AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

What if he said he'll pay half for one of your joint child but not the other. Then he can pay the half for his eldest?

There's no right or wrong but you need to come up with what is the fairest.

This is why I would never have a blended family, so much trouble for the dc.

If your DH’s son is 7, I assume he’s already at school, whereas your DC haven’t yet started. I’d leave things as they are for now, with DS at the school he’s at, and revisit the whole question for secondary for him.

I think all three need the same educational opportunities.
How you find that is up to the three adults in the situation

If he can’t afford it he can’t afford it. He can’t magic up the money. I agree it isn’t fair for him to pay for two of his kids to go to private school and not the third. I think the fairest option if the father can’t pay for all three to go is that none of them go.

Same. And I would never ever ever see my kids lose a penny for someone else’s child.
dont get drawn into it op. Stand your ground. If the mother can’t afford her half then thats not your problem. Fees are a very huge long commitment and you don’t ever want to touch that with someone else’s child.

The ex isn't making you pay... she has said she can't afford it. End of on her end.

What if your husband decides that because he can't afford to send the oldest, that he doesn't want the younger 2 going to private school... what happens then?

I'm curious why this has only come up now and not before you had children with him.

Not the ops problem to make sure it’s fair. At all

id say you both pay half for all 3. He’s only 7. You’re his step mum. His mum can’t afford to pay. I wouldn’t want to set up unequal advantages between the children.

I'm actually with your husband. This child is your stepchild.

Can your DSS mother not apply for a bursary for her son?

Why is he even talking to his ex about your children's schooling in over a year's time?

Does his ex live in the same area / same school area?

Is his eldest happy and thriving at their school?

This is all going to get a lot more expensive for secondary - if he can't afford the fees for his eldest at primary how will he manage at secondary where the fees and extras are so much higher?

Pool your resources, pay for everything from the pool, and don’t get hung up on who’s paying what proportion towards what expense. That’s what most married couples do.

People have more children than they can afford - shocker!

Yes, I agree.

The son has two parents who bear parental responsibilities. I have offered to pay 10%, as gesture, so the mother would pay 40% instead of 50%, but she still can’t afford it. She’s been asked to consider a later intake, where it would arguably be more beneficial for him, but she refuses and wants him to start now.

I don’t think it’s fair for me, as my children’s only mother, to take away money that would go to their future so that DH’s son can attend now. Especially when there are other alternatives, like tutoring and extracurricular activities (which DH already pays for fully)?

Alternatively, if the dad can’t ensure all his children are given the same opportunities he shouldn’t be contributing to the fees of any of them.

if the mum can’t afford fees, then she can’t magic up the money. I would ask yourself if you want a functional blended family, or a household full of competition and spite over who gets what.

talk to him; remind each other that this isn’t about certain children getting more or less based on principle. It’s about making your family work for everyone, and given you chose to have a blended family, that includes his eldest.

Dear God. I never understand how people live like this.

Your DH has 3 DC, and all should be treated equally.

Your income should be as a joint couple, and you work out expenses on that basis. You married him knowing he already had a child. The cold way you speak about ‘your money’ vs his, and about his ex-wife / partner is quite something.

There’s no need for private school education, certainly not in primary, and if it’s undertaken, if should be done so for all 3. If that’s not affordable, it doesn’t happen.

Just pony up the cash. You are able to afford it. Your background doesn't matter. This is how families work.

What's your relationship with DH eldest child like? I'm intrigued as I could not do this to my children, have one go through life with the best start and one with a comparable disadvantage (even more so considering his parents are divorced so he will already be feeling "lesser" on some level, albeit potentially subconsciously at that age)...

It'll be damaging for the child's self esteem, damaging to his relationship with his siblings (& you), and ultimately - seeing as you've admitted you could afford it alone - could affect his potential in later life

I'm guessing you're not super keen on either the child, the mum, or both ...

And I would never ever ever see my kids lose a penny for someone else’s child.
dont get drawn into it op.

Its not some random child though, its the OPs husband son.

This isn’t a family

This is two adults who happen to share two children together but the essence of what makes a family.. just isn’t there

And this is the issue of blended families.

Personally I would want all of my kids going to private school or none of them. He could just say to be fair he will pay zero private school fees as he cannot afford for all of them to go.

if the mum can’t afford fees, then she can’t magic up the money. I would ask yourself if you want a functional blended family, or a household full of competition and spite over who gets what

Yep but I guess people have different definitions of what family means.

Or of course his dad…..

Have you always treated your DSS as an outsider?

I also have a stepchild and younger shared kids. They are just all our kids...

The mother can't afford it. It's quite simple.