AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

No, her DH made the decision to marry a higher earning woman. If he didn't think through the impact of that, that's his lookout. It was not the OP's job to do that thinking for him.

In any case, the DH is willing to pay for all three DCs equally. What is not equal is the OP's and the ex's respective earnings. Again, not OP's fault or job to fix.

His oldest must've not been much more than a tot when he had a new family. Bloody awful.

Sidenote but what on earth do you do for a living that makes three (potentially) kids in private school just a casual expense? On top of multiple savings/investments you mention...?! And how did you simply "coach" your inexperienced DH into such a role within a couple of years?

Sooooo curious.

What impact are you speaking of, exactly?

That was his dad's decision.

You are being SO petty and selfish. You have tried to present this as you protecting the interests of your biological children but it's so clearly all about you, you, you.

@CherriBerri

Fair doesn't mean equal. Two different mothers. Your DH can put half into savings for him otherwise the SS mother is expecting you to fund her wants CF

Oh, apologies, I thought she was an active participant in the decision to marry a man who had a very small child. I didn’t realise she was comatose throughout and had no autonomy.

If he can’t pay for all his kids to go to private school, he pays for none of them. If you want your kids to go to private school, you pay for both of them fully.

@CherriBerri are your posts bot written as I'm finding them very hard to understand.

I think your argument is logical. I can understand why your husband is struggling, he knows he’ll live with ‘you treated your other children better than me’.

yep. I want to marry op but then i have two children who wont go to a pvt school with hers.

@CherriBerri honestly i do understand where you are coming from. Its not an easy situation as much as the right thing for the child is for you two who can afford it to pay for dsd. but then how many of the ex's children will you pay for? what if she has more kids? blended families are tough. Good luck

I’m wondering how ‘disadvantaged’ you grew up.

I grew up very disadvantaged, which is why I would be telling my DH that I would pay for our shared DC fully, to enable him to pay for his DS.

If I was rich enough then I’d not think twice about paying for my nieces and nephews too!

Why do you want your DCs to go to private school?
Is it just that you think it’s better?
Because that’s not always the case.

I personally wouldn’t want my DC going to private schools but I’d instead want them to go to a good state school.

👏👏

I feel for the SS,

He will be seeing his father's two children having a private education while he is at a state school, because his father and stepmother, refused to pay for him. If this decision affects your husband's relationship with his son down the line, how will you feel about this?

You are married, you are a partnership. I have a child from a previous relationship, and my husband treats her the same as our DD. He would feel too guilty to allow one to have something and not the other.

Why can't you pay for one of your child's full fees and allow him to pay full fees for his first child?

That is the issue, I cannot pay for everyone, I’m not that wealthy. If I pay for one, it’ll be unfair to not pay for all.

If you’re going to have a husband with previous children you have to accept they deserve to be treated equally as your own. A single earner just does not have the same economic earning as a couple. Suck it up.
what of he left you and had another child?

So because he can’t afford for all his children to go to private school, he decides not to pay for any of them to do so. Now what?

He should blame his mother. I provide a lot already, and the money he isn’t accessing now as schooling, is being saved. Truthfully, I don’t know why that’s unfair, it’s a privilege already that they receive equally from their father.

Suppose he could say sending his youngest 2 private and not giving his eldest the same opportunity despite his bio mums circumstances could cause resentment also ,rock and a hard place for your husband op

No I don’t think you need to or should contribute to fees for your step son.
What I’ve found interesting is a few times you’ve mentioned that you have been reminded it is not your place to make decisions about your step son and that you’ve been relegated to an aunt type figure. I imagine that might feel like you have been rejected or excluded somehow and might be frustrating that your view and opinions (you sound like a very bright well educated person) are not taken into account with regards to the child’s life. Over time that might have worn you down, and i can see why (amongst the more obvious reasons) you would then not want to spend £££ on this child’s future.
Youre also right that if you did end up divorcing, you’d have no rights to see the step son, so to be it would be wild to pay his fees. Ultimately we can’t always have what is equal in life, and that is something the mother of the 7 year old is going to have to accept.

He can save that amount of money for them, equally, instead. But it doesn’t change that my children will still go, that’s why he is still paying the half for the youngest, while saving for the oldest.

How so? Are you going to provide your children with the particulars of your and their father's financial affairs?

When they have no savings, from him, because he spent it all on the eldest’s optional school fees, they will resent him for the favouritism.

And if he’s in the habit in spending and investing 100% for the eldest, and 0% for the youngest two, it’ll inevitably bleed into how he treats the children on a day to day basis.