AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

In your imagination

This is selective reading, to villainise me. I had never complained of the mother as a means to blame her.

I have solely complained of my husband, because I find it unfair that he is trying to enforce unto me an extreme financial commitment. I find it unreasonable to assume said commitments when I have no place as the child’s parent, especially considering the younger two who would lose out.

I also don’t find it appropriate for the mother to be displeased and insist on his attendance, when she has the choices to create opportunities to provide or consider alternatives. But I don’t blame her, I blame him.

And dh will have fucked up a 2nd marriage. Wonder if he would carry on breeding children he can’t pay for

To be clear, I don’t think that you should pay directly necessarily for the eldest’s private school fees and can see the other reasonable ways this could be subsidised - mum to work more, less CMS, save for now and pay for secondary. You sound generous towards DSS.

I do genuinely find this particular attitude very curious. Evidently not for you, but for your DH they are all his children. This is not the case in your relationship with your sister. As a personal difference, I do consider marrying someone with a child, an enormous commitment made to that child.

OP's DH's ex lives with her parents who pay the rent and bills and help with childcare. She chooses to work part-time so it is obviously her choice not to build a full-time career.

I do fully understand where you are coming from OP . But it's shitty for his son ,really shitty . I understand and empathise that it's not your responsibility and it takes away from your children having more in the future from you. I'd have to weigh up how much it's really going to affect my children if I paid for SS ,100k to me is life changing for you it might be pocket change . If it wasnt a great deal to me and wasn't going to massively affect my kids future id prob just pay it . If it meant putting a finacial strain on me andeanr my children would go without certain things I wouldnt

To all those who feel the OP should subsidise directly or indirectly her step son’s private education, let’s play a thought experiment- what would be ‘fair’ when the ex wife has more children too? Who pays for them to go to private school so that they get ‘the same opportunities as their brother?’
It is NOT fair if her husband expends far more of his resources on one of his children compared to the others.

But you can afford it. I get the principle and all that but you can afford it so just do it. You're getting hung up on the principle rather than trying to address what is fair. You married into this family, you had a choice. You made a choice and this is compromise that has been borne out of it.

Agreed.

Wow. OP! Please ignore all the unnecessarily vicious posts. As @nearlylovemyusername said, how many of these critics would fork out £250k in these circumstances?

I do feel your DH made a massive mistake by discussing your children’s education with his ex or even raising the idea of private school before he had considered costs and the (high) chance of her not contributing.

It’s ridiculous that having never considered private school she is now trying to call the shots about who pays and which schools your children can and can’t go to, while offering not a penny. And beware of any promises from the ex on contributions which may subsequently disappear.

The fact that she is not willing to contribute takes this decision out of her hands. THis needs to be made clear to end the demands and ‘rules’.

The decisions then rest with you and DH but I do not believe you should be paying the total costs, or even half the costs for DSS.

I didn’t see the bottom bit when I replied. Also agree that it’s not fair to be viewed as an outsider be expected to pay as if you are a dedicated parent. My DH is at every parents evening and play for the eldest two, happily sitting together with ex-DH who feels nothing but gratitude for the other man doing his best to raise the children we all love

Your DH could take the money he would otherwise be paying towards his 50% of the school fees and put it in trust for his son to help him later in life. That way he's had the same amount spent on him, but just in a different way. It would easily pay for him to go through university with no debts, and then put down a deposit on a house, for example.

It has to be fair for all of the children, they should all have the same eduction opportunities. The boy's mum can't afford private school fees, fortunately you and your husband can between you. Either pay for them all to go, or send them to state school.

You post talks about fairness, but are being very unfair on your step son, or as you refer to him, 'his son'. Maybe have a think about what 'family' means to you.

If I were your DH I would say that because I can’t afford to pay for all my children to attend private school, I won’t pay for any of them to do so.

Some other parent may or may not decide she wishes to pay for some of them to go anyway.
In which case I might now be able to afford to pay for the other to go too.

It is completely unacceptable to expect your DSS to attend state school when your DC attend private. That's pretty much the most alienating thing you could do to your DH's child. I have no idea why you think it would be OK.
It might be useful to compare this to the Equality vs equity principle that is common in DEI.
Your DSS is the little guy as he Mum has less money - he needs the biggest box.

I would not pay for your dh's son's school fees, directly or indirectly. You have no parental rights, you have no say in his or his other parent's future plans.

Your dh has to split his savings 3 ways, you have to split yours 2 ways. How much eduction can you buy for each kid with the money you have available to you?

If you've got £100k between 2 kids and he's got £100k between 3 kids then you can spend £83k on your joint kids and he's got £33k to spend on his older kid.

Blended families are never completely equal in ££ terms.

What if the ex married a wealthy man and they had children and took them in expensive holidays etc paid for expensive gifts? Would you expect the man to pay to subsidise ops children to receive the same as her DSS and his new half siblings? Also why should she work full time to spend that money that his own mother could be doing? Wow! Just wow. My ex husband bought his and now wife’s daughter a car recently. He hasn’t done the same for our son but I don’t expect his wife to contribute to my son’s new car. You people are crazy. OP I support you x

Yes. It’s because the mothers’ circumstances aren’t equal, he can’t control that. Being a bad dad is not contributing to all his children equally, because that is what he can control.

So the arrangement has always been (and set out by DH initially) ……We have separate finances, and only pool money for household/daily expenses to pay for things in proportion to the number of children.
Extra expenses are paid for individually, unless it’s something bigger, i.e, holidays and schooling…..

but now he suddenly thinks the plan should change because his ex wife insists

It is a superficial win, because it’s an obvious act of favouritism against his youngest children, and they will resent him for it as it will bleed into other parts of their lives.

I completely understand where you are coming from OP. That’s why I didn’t want to marry someone with kids. I’d be resentful of maintenance that could be spent on our own kids but if he tried to get out of paying for his kid I’d think he was a rat, and he would be.

In this case though none of them would go I guess. I just couldn’t do that to a child. It’s not fair to you and your kids, Does suck big time, but you Knew about this child before you married him, and to me it’s a case of lying in the bed you made.

One solution would be your DH paying 3 equal amounts for all his DC. You can use theoney he pays for your DC to go towards private education and the money for his eldest DC can go into a stocks and shares ISA and by the time he's 13 there should be enough to pay for private education before he starts GCSEs. If his Mum would pay some he could go at 12. Put that to your DH. It's not right he gives his eldest DC more than his younger ones. I'd stand firm on that. If you divorced he'd have to pay equal amounts for each DC. I hope whilst you are discussing money you will check he is intending to leave any inheritance equally between his 3 DC and not just give more to his eldest.

You say you didn't choose to have children that you couldn't afford, implying that "she" did choose to do that.

She chose to have a child with her husband, a child she (rather, they, as a partnership) could afford.

Her husband is now your husband. She is now a single mother with reduced means.

Her (rather, their) child should have access to the same education they as a couple would have chosen and paid for. Which means your husband pays. He then puts what's left into a pot for your shared children, and you top up out of your superb income.

I agree with other posters that private education at primary age can be a waste of money.

However there are prep schools offering bursaries. Depends where you live, and whether you want day or boarding. Bursaries are means tested but also depend on academic ability. Same is true of public schools.

It's secondary age that's important. Most public schools' intake is age 13. You might well need coaching or tutoring to get the children through entrance exams, but that would be less expensive than paying for prep school.

Without bursaries or scholarships, off the top of my head I'm thinking 120 to 300 K per child for education from prep through 6th form. Other posters will have better knowledge. I'm not a teacher or connected with private education, but put mine through public school.

Anyway, OP, I got to page 4 and had to stop reading. Your attitude to your step child grinds my gears so badly they're on fucking FIRE! All best wishes.

I’m sorry op I just saw your update that said you’re paying for all. Good on you, even though it does - suck. It does.

In my personal experience of being the only sibling not to be privately educated I can't say I've been disadvantaged.

My siblings and their friends have not been as successful as their peers who attended state school.

Why send your child to a private school when most have worse GCSE stats that a lot of states.

My sister's school had a 5 GCSE pass rate of 60%, mine 100% got 10 GCSEs