AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

It sounds like they only think private is an option because he’s with you. If he wasn’t they’d have been perfectly happy with state for their son. It’s not your job or responsibility to pay for their child. It is his job to treat his children equally. It’s none of her business what you do for your own kids.

Just wait until secondary and pay from them. That gives a bit of time to do a savings pot. But if you can’t afford for all 3 then no it’s not fair.

what if he cuts maintenance and uses that as mums share to fees. Then he can’t start now? Assuming that if he can afford 3 at public that it’s a decent amount.

But it's not just "someone else's child" though is it? It's her "D" H's child - you know, the one she must've been seen to agree to love and care for enough to show her H she could provide a decent family set up with - and her children's brother?

We have separate finances, and only pool money for household/daily expenses to pay for things in proportion to the number of children.

Extra expenses are paid for individually, unless it’s something bigger, i.e, holidays and schooling.

I agree with posters who say either all them go and get the same opportunities or none of them. It's a shitty position to put the child from the first marriage in.

You can see easily how through making sure their own kids are provided for, they can slip into evil step-parent territory. In a perfect world everyone would love their step kids as their own and be one big happy family Fall outs over money wouldn't be a thing.

Personally, if I was in your husbands position and I had made the choice to marry a person with a child, making a clear decision to actively blend a family then all three would go or none at all.

He can afford to pay for HALF of ALL children, it’s the mother who cannot afford it and they’re both looking for me to pay.

Thats unfair, I pay fully for mine and didn’t have children that I cannot afford.

This, you are a family and there’s 3 children in it.

You shouldn't have married a man with a child you don't want to love equally then

Your husband has 3 children and they should be treated equally and have the same opportunities.

I think you need to decide as a household if you can afford private education for 3 children. If you are the higher earner with more disposable income than perhaps a 50/50 split of costs is not fair on your husband.

However it would not be unreasonable for your husband to reduce payments to ex for things such as private tuition if your household is paying for private school.

But also this is why OP you should never have been a step-mom. While it’s nice to imagine you can have a nice carve out where your partner’s kid is never your financial responsibility, in practice this is not possible. So that was a foolish decision to begin with on your part.

This is a shitty attitude. Your stepchild's mother didn't have kids she can't afford either; private school is not a necessity.

You, however, married a man with a child, thus taking on a stepparent role.

Where does it say he cannot afford his kids? Private school is a luxury item - not a mandatory requirement.

I think if he’s already at primary school then madness to move him, DH should put the half he would have paid for four years into a savings pot, and use that to pay for private secondary, thus necessitating no school move. The mum can say what she likes, but as she didn’t set up her life (as you have) to be able to pay for 50% of all-through school fees, she can’t dictate your DH pay 100% of 10 years. And he should make her pay something whether it’s 10% or 5%.

We’d mostly all be insistent our kids went to private school if we didnt have to pay for any of it, wouldn’t we? Alas, life etc.

You're a family. Why aren't you sharing your money?

I'd pay half for all 3 of my kids if I were him, and take it out of things like holiday expenses and buy cheaper food, less days out etc. So the whole house will have a worse quality of life, but my kids get equal education.

Why not use the money for other things instead - music/swimming lessons, holidays etc and not send any to private school which is not necessarily a better education or experience anyway?

Yes, you have responsibility as a step parent.

You knew he had an original child when you had 2 with him plans would have been put in place before you conceived this a choice when you blend families

All three kids should be given the same opportunities. If your want your two biological children to go to private school, the “tax” you have to pay for being part of a loving, functional blended family is paying for half of your stepchild’s tuition to go there, too. You say it’s taking money from your biological kids, but the alternative is taking away the chance for them to have a happy and resentment-free relationship with their step-sibling for life (arguably more valuable than money!).

So how much can mum afford to pay? If it's zero and DH is paying the whole whack for his eldest, I can see that feels unfair.

If she can afford 25-30% so she's actually contributing, I think I'd suck-up DH paying the balance and as a pp said you "pony-up" any deficit for your two.

I think.you should try and support yoyr husband, whilst expecting his ex to pay what she can afford, even if it's 10/20%.

It’s callous of you to assume I don’t love him.

I can love him, but it doesn’t change that I’m not responsible for him. Legally I have no rights to him, should we divorce for example, I would have no way to force access.

With the younger children, I am fully responsible, they have no spare parent. Why is it fair for two young children to lose out opportunities, because the mother cannot pay for her son? And as I had said, there are alternatives to private education starting now.

I have nieces and nephews whom also don’t attend private school, they’re just as important for me. If I pay for DH’s son, how can I explain not paying for my own nieces and nephews?

That’s unfair. I pay fully for mine and didn’t have children that I cannot afford

So send your two and pay for it.
Him paying half for all children means treating them differently because he knows the end result will be different.
If you were to divorce and have a child with another man, would you really treat them differently based on what their fathers could afford? I bet you wouldn’t - I hope you wouldn’t! But you’re expecting your husband to do exactly that and getting cross when he won’t.

Send them all to state school. Job done.