AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

So he cannot afford for all three of his children to attend. That’s essentially what it boils down to.

So if I was a parent and finances meant only 2/3 kids could attend private school, I would simply refrain from paying for any of them to attend.

And why are you saying your husband / his ex had a child they cannot afford? Seems like they can. Private schooling is simply an optional extra.

Well there you go then.

Start pooling money so all 3 of his kids can have the same educational opportunity.

I can't imagine marrying someone so hard hearted.

I hope your husband has sorted his finances in case of death as it doesn't sound like you'd be giving his son a bean if husband goes first.

I think if you marry a person who already has children you have to accept that if may affect your finances. I think it’s fair that he would want all
his children to be treated equally.

So why am I being necessitated to pay for this luxury?

Yes me too, you chose a man with a child already, don’t let that child miss out on a good education just because his mum isn’t well off, it would be the kind thing to help out. Perhaps she can pay for the uniforms or whatever she can afford

You did however, marry a family. You can like it or not but you did marry a man with a child - that’s a family and then you added to it. So, yes, pay for your own two children if you want, but don’t expect your husband to pay towards it. Not when the child you already knew he had won’t be offered the same opportunities. He’d be mad to do that.

If his mum insists he goes then she should pay half.

Have you asked about sibling discount? I got 15% for having two, maybe 3 would get you a bigger discount?

Your DPs son is their half sibling, it's a very black-and-white view to talk about some children losing out.

Things are fuzzier/messier when you choose to create a second family. I don't think you are necessarily in the wrong, but neither is your H.

Your DH has three children. He cannot afford to send them all to private school even with you contributing towards the cost of the two youngest, As such they don't go. They all go to state school instead.

TBH you as a family clearly can't afford private school anyway since if its tight at this young age then you won't be able to afford the annual increases or the fairly hefty jumps in fees when they move from infant to primary and then primary to secondary and then into sixth form.

That’s literally what he suggested. But ultimately, that means that the OP is subsidising her stepson’s education.

Education isn’t a minor cost it’s not like make sure everybody has the same days out or gets their hair colour at the same place

It’s thousands and thousands of pounds I have many many years

To be clear OP - I don’t think you should be required to pay for your stepchild, although I think you were stupid to be a step-mom as it’s clearly not suited to you.

But from the father’s point of view he has three children. If he realise family income means he cannot afford for all three to attend private school then I would not be paying for any.

This. They can't be treated differently, so send them to state.

Or wait until secondary, save now so they can all go. I think private primary is a bit of a waste of money anyway

Just because she's can't afford private school it doesn't mean she can't afford to support her kids! Listen to yourself!
Plenty of kids go to state school it doesn't mean their parents had kids they can't afford.
It sounds like this is something you've always have wanted so it is something you should have discussed a long time ago ... before having kids with a man who already has a child.

You chose to marry into an existing family unit, and then have more children. You do sound hard hearted. Yes it would be nice if his mum could afford half the fees but many people can’t afford private education. Your dh shouldn’t pay half for your 2 if his eldest isn’t going to be privately educated too. Do you care what relationship your dc have with their other sibling? I guess not if you’re happy for such inequality.

You are married and have children together. All this talk of his money and my money is ridiculous, but anyway…

The reality you are pushing for is that your husband cannot afford to pay full fees for his eldest as well as half for his younger two. So he could rightly decide not to pay for any of them and send them all to a state school instead. That would be fair - to give all three of his children the same education.

I see why you begrudge paying extra, but in reality, if having a private education is so important to you, if you can afford to pay the full fees yourself then why not pay more than the half you proposed, in the interests of your children’s education?

You're not. It's a luxury, not a necessity.

That’s complete bollocks that the OP gets no say in the education of her own children because of the financial situation in a different household the joint children Aren’t just His children, they’re also the OP’s

blended families are just complicated and this is just one of the many many things that will come up over their lifetime. One of grandparents might have oodles of money that they leave to their grandkids. What are you gonna do about that?

Are you going to say no we forgo Any inheritance for their grandchildren on their behalf because it’s not fair on the stepchild?

Because you married a man with a child. You chose this. Your DSS didn't. And it's a horrible thing to do to treat the kids differently.

Your financial set up seems odd to me, as we have pooled money which goes towards all our children’s expenses. Was private school always the plan for his first son before he split from his mother? Or is it only an issue now as his half siblings will be attending? Because 93% of the population do without quite easily.

You both chose to have 2 children knowing that it reduces what’s available for his first child, because you keep finances separate. So if he’d have been able to afford fees otherwise and it’s important all 3 of his children have the same opportunities, I’d stump up on the grounds that my family decisions have financially disadvantaged his son. Well I personally wouldn’t as I don’t think private education is worth the money but still.

I wouldn’t be paying for someone else’s child to attend private school. That’s a parental decision. Which is why I haven’t married my other half and have a very much your kids are on you attitude. We each take financial responsibility for our own families.

I didn't say you don't love him... I said you are choosing to not love him equally.

HIS MOTHER DOESNT HAVE THE MONEY... stop harping on about how she should pay. She can't. You can't get blood from a stone.

Yiu and your DH want a private education for the children and together you can afford it. But you are choosing to say "Not my kid, I'm not paying for him". And actually you do this in everyday life too by proportioning the children in how you pay for things.

Should you divorce, you have no way of forcing your (ex) husband to pay for private school feed either.

The 2 younger kids will lose out on the opportunity because you decided their education and you ringfencing your money is more important to you than their half-sibling.

You married him knowing he has a son.

He should not pay for his other two dcs private education and not his eldest son. It’s all or nothing for these children.

To exclude one would be a foul thing to do to a kid.

As for your view that you’d be depriving your dcs of monies or funds further down the line if you pay more is silly. It doesn’t sound like they will be going without at all. Plus their excellent education would stand them in good stead. And contributing more to your stepson’s education would not harm them and their prospects in the slightest .

You married this man and yet his son is not really family in your view, is he? Poor kid.

That’s disgusting.

If I ask for a father to provide equally for all three, why would his inheritance be different? Especially as the person who is the higher earner, I wouldn’t dare do something so vile.

And it’s not because I don’t want to make a financial commitment for years and years, that would be £100k+ loss for my children, that I don’t contribute financially at all.