AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

His dad is married to a wealthy woman so is part of a wealthy family so wouldn’t. Be eligible

I agree this is very difficult.

Firstly, you have married a man who already had a child, and I think that comes with implicit responsibilities to care for that child. Like other posters I don't "gel" with your attitude that paying for DSS is "taking money away from your own children".

HOWEVER, private schooling is not essential (as you say), and especially not at primary level. Moreover if his mum is so insistent on it, then she has to step up one way or another.

I think you should stick to your guns about aiming for Y7 intake, ie when he gets to secondary age. That gives his mother 4 years ( or 3 & 1/2 at least) to get her act together. She needs to open an account designed for school fees and start putting as much money in it as she can. As a sweetener, you could perhaps offer to match whatever she puts in?

It’s 60/40 because he has more children than I do, for household expenses. Extra expenses are individual, I doubt this is a rare set up.

He is paying for my children to go regardless. The money he would’ve spent on his son’s fees are being saved. If my children weren’t going, all of them would have the same amount saved.

It isn’t about whether or not my children will attend. I think it’s unfair that I’m being made to pay, because the mother cannot afford it, despite alternatives being available. I’m not from a wealthy background, I come from a council estate and I worked.

I have nieces and nephews that I love just as much as my own, but I won’t pay for them because I can’t afford to pay for everyone, the same applies to his son.

As a parent (from dh’s point of view) I would not want to treat my dc differently so either all dc go to private school or all go to state. His son is already statistically disadvantaged by being from a broken home so I would adjust finances to enable dss to attend private in your position. The mum not earning enough is pretty fair - most of us don’t earn enough.

This comes down to values.

In a blended family fairness doesn't always equate to equal.

We brought one child each and had further children.

One of the most important things we value is the relationship each of us has including the kids have with each other.

This is a situation that has the potential to cause massive inequality and resentment between siblings and parental relationships.

In our family we would pay.

If that isnt something you wish to do if I was your husband I wouldn't be agreeing to your two going to private school and would be saying all of them will get the same opportunity of tutoring and extra circular activities.

She doesn’t have to pay for it.

Yes in an ideal world he should pay half, and the mum should pay the other half, but this isn't an ideal world. I mean in an ideal world, your step son would be in a home with both his mum and dad there, but his dad lives elsewhere, putting his other children to bed, spending more time with his other children. Thats not ideal for him is it. Surely you knew situations like this could arise when you started a relationship with a man that had a child. Is this a mountain you want to die on? Are you prepared for it to cause damage to your marriage, and even in the future relations between you and your step son. If you can afford it, it does seem petty to dig your heels in, otherwise don't send any of them to private school.

You’re not. He’s being expected to meet his prior obligations. If that has a knock on effect for you it’s because you chose to have kids with someone who already has a family and all the costs that involves. There are details that might be relevant but broadly speaking I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect that he takes away from what was already morally allocated to his first family because he/you decided to have a second.

I can see you point but I couldn't see a 7 year old miss out but then I also can't see the point in private primary school in most areas.

I know someone who grew up in exactly this situation. His mum had kids with her new husband, bought them up wanting for nothing and sent them to private school. My friend went to the local state school (which, happened to be in special measures, it was really shit.) The resentment runs deep, he has never really got over the inequality, it spilled over into other areas of their life too. I feel sorry for your stepson.

You are very kind to offer 10%!

I think that he shouldn't pay for any of them and you just pay the fees for your two, that makes it fair from their dad's side and as they have different mums then they obvs dont attend the same school anyway.

Tbh if your DH saves what he would have spent on school 3 ways and gifts a house deposit x 3 in 20 years they might prefer that anyway.

To all those saying she should give her money away, there is ALWAYS a man around a successful woman hoping to leech, you need your financial independence.

If I, as the parent of 3 children, couldn't afford to give them all the same educational advantage, then I wouldn't pay for any of them.

Between the 3 adults, I think you need to find the school fees for all 3 children or none go private. If DSS's mum can't afford it, then the money needs to come from you and your DH. It doesn't really matter exactly how you apportion the finances, simply, between you 3 sets of fees need to be paid, or none of the children get educated privately.

Bursaries look at household income, so the fact the OP is loaded means her husband wouldn't qualify for a bursary for his older child.

OP, just agree to pay 75% for your children, meaning he pays the rest and also funds his eldest's education.

Do you really want your children, in adulthood, to know their mother was the reason their big brother didn't get the same educational chances they did?

I don’t understand, sorry. They had never planned for their son to go to private school, and she was satisfied with the school he attends and he has a lot of extracurricular that is paid for by my DH exclusively.

a solution could be That dad contributes the same to all kids educations and for the step son that could mean paying entirely for 6th form eduction, paying tuition fees as uni, or paying for tutors as piano lessons and prifate tennis tutoring etc or just saving it into a deposit or a small business fund when he is older. That would help to balance out the advantage the little kids get by attending private school.
the child’s mum has another 2-3 years to save and improve her finances and she could indeed save for a bursary or move next to an outstanding state school - perhaps your DH could contribute the money he would spend on private towards her stamp duty for doing this?

From your husband's perspective I would just refuse to contribute for your joint children. I wouldnt pay for two of my three of my children to go to private school or anything.

Well if he didn't have children he now can't afford, you wouldn't have any...

Why send so young children to private school- just a waste of money. Wait until secondary school so you can afford to send them all.

The cost could be a lot higher to your whole family if step son treated differently.You really need to look at the whole picture and not just the financial side.

Oh and I do think the ex is cheeky insisting on private school if she can't contribute.

This "I would ask yourself if you want a functional blended family, or a household full of competition and spite over who gets what."

Its not fair, but sometimes things aren't. Either you create a family that works or you deal with the fallout later on, which is highly likely to end up destroying the family.

And having chosen to have kids with a man who already had a child you must have anticipated that you will sometimes have to treat said child equally to your own children. Even if it's not fair. You shouldn't have entered into the relationship if you weren't prepared to accept this.

The combined fees of all three should be shared jointly between you and your husband. That is fair for your family ( your stepson IS part of your family even if you don’t accept him as such). Op your way is not how a family works!

Your husband can’t afford to pay full amount for his son plus 1/2 each for your kids. He has to treat all of his kids fairly so can’t just pay for some of them to go so pays for none. So it is up to you if you want to send your kids then you have to pay the full amount for both.

I can't believe you're coming on here for opinions.

Obviously the right and decent thing to do is everything you both can to give all the children the same educational opportunity. Without question.

Ugh. This is why I’d hate to have a blended family.

You have to do the right thing by all 3 kids equally here, that’s the reality.