AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

The ex probably didn’t envision breaking up with the father of her child and him marrying someone who wants to send their kids to private school 🤨🤨 Do you even have a heart! You can afford it, what’s the problem!!

Ding ding ding jackpot!

When he stays at your house, do you pay for his food if his dad isn’t about? Or do you feel you are depriving your kids of food if you do that? Activities and days out too?

Your husband is correct. All three kids must be treated equally. As you can afford the fees on your own income, I don't see what the problem is - you are digging your heels in unnecessarily and it's not fair on your stepson.

The children all should be treated equally! Send them all to state school.There potentially could be much bigger problems in years to come if not all given same opportunities.

Because you are providing that luxury for your own children. His
mother can’t afford it, she’s not being deliberately difficult. But you are expecting your DH to treat two of his kids differently from the third. That is not fair. You’re a family, he’s part of your family not some extra random in your life. I think your attitude is appalling.

5 out of 6 people (85%) think you're being the twat here Op. You.

Have a think about that and decide for sure whether or not you're happy being the reason your H's eldest (let's not pretend you see him as any kind of son of your own, step or otherwise) dislikes you and has jealousy and resentment of his younger siblings his whole life before you insist on this horrible set up...

What did you agree to when you discussed financial provision before you got married and had two more children?

This is a hard situation but my mindset would be that I do not want my children to have a sibling that we as adults put pain and fault lines between them. As far as is possible I would want my children’s and their siblings to be on the same footing. I would personally therefore rather that dad paid half of all the kids and I paid the half of my step child, with love for them and for my own children. Gifting my kids a loving relationship with their sibling.

I don't think I'd describe your financial set-up or your attitude as a partnership, let alone a marriage.

But this is unrealistic. Life has many many differences in things that could make things unfair. What if one set of grandparents is loaded and the other has nothing and the loaded one leaves their grandchildren millions in their inheritance? What are you going to do then?

what if one set of grandparents set up a trust to pay for their grandchildren to go and study abroad? Are you going to refuse to let your children go and study abroad because the stepchild doesn’t have that opportunity?

Even between siblings life isn’t fair would’ve one of them has some special skill that requires you to drive them around to competitions and spend lots of money on their sport. Are you going to refuse because the other one doesn’t have the same set of skills the same talent?

Of course she gets a say in their education, she wants them to go to private school and is happy to pay half their costs. Their father wants his kids to go to private school but can’t afford to send his three children’s therefore can not afford for them to go. If he can’t afford it- either she picks up the slack- which she isn’t happy to do on principle or they don’t go, because on the father’s side the money isn’t there.

I think that I paid look at the family as a whole and your kids are half siblings. How uncomfortable will they feel when they see their sibling at a state school and they are at private? You are creating a not pleasant rift with the kids and I think that sibling friendship and closeness is important in the long run.

Just send all the kids to state school and pay for some extracurriculars and nice holidays and help with university, when the time comes.

You'll all have a much nicer life.

I assume his mother works? If so, what are the chances she will suddenly get a massive promotion and have the money required?

Tricky situation. I think you’ve offered a reasonable solution saying the older child can start later if mum can’t afford it (year 9 would be better). The child may not even want to go by then and be settled where he is. I think the long and short of it is that your dh can’t afford private school so you need to make a decision as a partnership on the best way forward. If you are insistent on yours going, then you might have to pay 3/4 of the fees for your two whilst he chips in and pays in full for his child.

Or you could start your children at year 7 if they have a good state school nearby for primary and all save like mad so all 3 can go private for the secondary stages.

Have you even looked at state schools, OP? Why not check them out? You might have money then for nice holidays and tutors etc.

I think you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face.

You want him to treat his children equally and pay for half of each child, but this results in one child still not being able to go so is not equal in the end. If he won’t do this, he won’t do it. The only other equal option is for him to pay nothing at all per child. If you then want your children to go you will pay the full fees for both.

You’ve then gone from his suggestion of you paying 1.5 fees to you paying 2 full fees, just so you don’t contribute to your stepson.

The children are very close in age. They cannot be treated differently. What discussion did you have about this prior to having your own children?

OP does get a say but so does he. She has made it clear they have separate finances. So as a father he needs to decide whether he will fund a situation that treats his children differently or keep things fair and not fund any.

The grandparent analogy does not work. This is about a parent deciding on how best to treat their children equally.

You do understand kids don't have to go to private school?

From Dads point of view he's not going to pay for two to go and not have the third go. That would be unfair on his first child that was there first. By having a second and third child he can now not afford to send the first.

From your perspective you only want to pay 50% and don't want to pay any more because you feel if Dad is paying more towards his first child than your joint children then that's somehow taking money away from them.

So none of the kids go to private school. Not a big issue the other 93% of the population. Or they can only go for secondary etc.

If you want your kids to go, you need to cough up more. Thats not taking money away from your kids. Dad can't afford to pay half because he has another child who he has responsibility for.

You should be considering the 7 y/o part of your family and not 'his' child that is stealing money from your children via future savings. That's incredibly immature and if that's how you feel you shouldn't have taken on the role of a step mum.

Im a bit blown away by your attitude tbh.

Do you mean that if people can’t afford to pay for private school then they can’t afford to have children?

Dearie me. You sound an absolute treat.

Are the state primary so awful where you live is this why they need a private education.Many state schools are excellent.Would your stepson go to the same private school if so there would be reductions for siblings which would help.Add on the uniform extras etc for 3 children and you are looking at huge expense over the years.Your choice if you want your children in private education.Your DH and his ex need to work it out.His father could save his half for university and continue in the state schools.

If I had three children, they all go, or none of them go.

If you won’t accommodate that, tough.

Yep exactly?! Why now 4 years later!!? This is the type of stuff people need to talk about before getting pregnant!!