AIBU to feel hurt by our childminder's abrupt goodbye?

[Bitzy123]

My partner dropped off the kids at the childminders (who gave notice to us four weeks ago) this morning. Yesterday we dropped off flowers and chocolates. Grandma will pick them up this evening so my partner who does all the pick ups and drop offs won't see her again and not will anyone after today. She said she had given notice for personal reasons and gave no other reasons after looking after my son for 2 years who is 2 years 7 months and my other son who is 20 months. She has had them both since months old. There has never been much more handover or communication from her (I found out other childminders give comprehensive info on naps mealtimes etc) and she has only ever told us things when my partner asks. She has always been pleasant and reliable though and I thought we were good. It really knocked me for 6 when she gave notice but we have found someone else. I guess I just find it strange the lack of anything. I wanted to be gracious despite her binning us off and got her a big box of chocolates, nice flowers and a thank you card signed from all of us.

This morning my partner updated me after drop off that she barely said anything and was about to shut the door on him before he could wish her well and say bye etc, he said all th best and she said 'oh yes I wont see you later will I I hope it goes well with the new minder'. She has 20 years experience and 2 grown up sons of her own. We have never had any conflict, I wondered why she has been so cold at the end after she has been the one to slight us? Before people chime in with 'shw owes you nothing' etc I know all that already I understand nobody owes anyone anything! I just feel hurt that she didn't even have a few words to say before leaving even if she doesn't owe them.. to us a childminder has been meaningful and someone whom we've trusted to care for our sons since they were both 5 months old on this journey that is parenting etc. I wonder what we've done wrong or what went wrong?

Would've liked to make the effort, I had to work and with the short notice I had appointments booked in at work 6 weeks in a advance so no chance to come to last pick up though I really wanted to.

Maybe that's what's irked me that it's cowardly.. I did say to my partner I wonder whether she CBA with potty training because her daily routines involve going to other childminders houses a lot and it would throw a spanner in

Look, your kids are young, they will learn how to behave. It would be harder with siblings too I think as they bounce off each other. Why don't you just let it go now, you or your partner never have to see her again. You have a new childminder lined up and hopefully it will all go swimingly.
Also, I will say OP, you have conducted yourself with grace here, even with some of the harsher replies (like mine). You seem like a sensitive and nice person, brush it off, dust yourself off and move forward. All is good.

Thanks for your kind words x

She's not normally chatty and she doesn't have a close relationship with you husband, so I think bye and hope all goes well is fine.

Yes we've been doing time outs a lot more stringently and offering lots and lots of verbal praise for good behaviours. My son seems to be coming out of that difficult phase now 🙏🏻

I'm afraid she doesn't, though. Any contract can be terminated with the appropriate notice and nobody you pay for a service is obliged to give you any more than this person did to the OP.

@Bitzy123 , didn’t you get into this loop when she gave you notice? I seem to recognise your username. Some people find goodbyes hard, she doesn’t owe you anything and it’s business to her. Also you barely know her as your partner does all drop offs and if you are the person I think he wasn’t very communicative and quite dismissive, so you don’t really know what kind of relationships they had.

Stop looking for n explanation and let this go as you are fixating.

You don't necessarily deserve an explanation. The reason may be private to the former child carer. She doesn't have to share her personal information with you.

I’ve noticed a few threads like this and one of my friends also had a similar experience where she felt like the childminder was her friend but it was ultimately just a job to her. I wonder if it is a ‘mum guilt’ thing.

When one person is left in charge of a young baby, be it a nanny or a childminder, and the child has a closer relationship then they might at a nursery with multiple staff, then the parent feels like the minder has more of a familial relationship to the family unit as a whole.

When the minder behaves at the end in a professional manner rather than an emotional one, it breaks the family illusion, reminding the parents that this was (on some level) an outsourcing of labour.

Im sure that both ops child and the childminder will have positive memories of their time together but it is still a job. It was kind to thank the childminder for their time but maybe op needs to realise that they have been over invested and it is fair for the childminder to treat it like a job. With two adult children of her own she might be pleased to retire soon.

Ultimately, it’s not really a issue because ops children’s most important relationship should be with their parents anyway and having the children be too attached to a carer that won’t be around in the long term has it’s own problems.

She maybe has something else going on .. it can make you feel cut off or cold if in your own head.
She may not of meant to make you feel this way.
Be happy with yourself in that you showed your appreciation .
Good luck with new child minder.

So I’m a childminder. Childminders give up certain children for all kinds of reasons. Perhaps she wants less small children, or perhaps she wants less children on certain days. Maybe she has another toddler and finds it too much. I had 2 two year olds and I was ready for a straight jacket by the weekend. Seriously though, it’s probable nothing to do with you, just circumstances. She may feel really bad about it so is hoping you don’t ask her any questions. Not how I would do it, but we’re all different. .

I think childminders tend to network so once you're comfortable with your new one you may be able to fish for goss on why she ditched your children. Be prepared to not love the answer, though! Or - a massive curved ball incoming - maybe she developed a mad crush on your dh and wants to shut it down - sorry, I'm not sure how to do laughing emojis on this platform, I type them then they don't show up 😂. Come back and let us know if you ever find out! (About the undemonstrative minder, not the emojis.)

Maybe she is ticked off with the behaviour of your children and has no time for their parents (you and your husband). Another poster mentioned bad behaviour had been spoken about...if she's only let your children go perhaps it's a scenario you should visit.

So what’s your plan for childcare now? Endlessly speculating about your previous CM isn’t going to do a thing!

As a Chikdminder myself if a two year old is difficult, as is typical of this age, I would try to resolve the problem by discussing with the parents. The childminder has not done this. I don’t see why you think the parents are difficult there is no indication of this.

No indication? Aside from an established, experienced childminder with multiple other charges has decided to terminate any relationship with the OP’s family going forward?

This can happen for many reasons. Perhaps too many children of the same age and someone has to go. Maybe she wants to take on a friends children. They have said the childminder has never spoken about the child’s day or given any feedback. That is not good childminder practice.

Indeed. It can happen for many reasons.

One of which, the childminder has had enough of one / both of a mindee’s parents

The childminder has left for personal reasons. She doesn't owe you anymore of an explanation. First thing in the morning is a busy time for childminders. Children arriving, those children have needs and need to be watched. She was probably serving them breakfast, had older children to prepare for school. She carnt spend long in the door step at drop off. She is needed by the children, she carnt do long goodbyes to appease you.

i’d feel the same, @Bitzy123

I’d question whether she just doesn’t like your partner. You can never truly know exactly what happens between people when you’re not there. Not romantically, but maybe something about his demeanour or something he’s done has (unintentionally or otherwise) rubbed her up the wrong way.

If she doesn’t like him and thinks he’s aware of that (or it’s mutual) then maybe she felt uncomfortable doing the “we’re so sad” pantomime on the last day.

I think it is way more likely she just didn't intend to stage a "we're so sad" pantomime full-stop.

After all, she has asked to terminate the care; it isn't an unavoidable tragedy that has befallen her. I don't think that means she doesn't like the op/op's children but I have had so many friends say they have found termination of nanny services, childminder services, end of Reception class etc surprisingly crisp and unemotional on the care-provider's part.

I think the bottom line is the parents tend to imbue the relationship (aka arrangement!) with more emotion; after all, it is their child and they have far fewer of these childcare relationships.

Also, regardless of how we operate in modern society, leaving your small children with, essentially, a "stranger" is something that cuts against our deeper cave-person nature as a parent.

It is understandable that we convince ourselves we are leaving them in the care of someone who truly cares and can, up to a point, replace us and our input, including our attachment to the child.

No-one expects an emotional farewell after collecting their car from a hotel valet - no matter how many times they have used the service. Though having said that a couple of Tesla owners now spring to mind!! But even then, it's a reflection of their invested emotion.

Because it’s a job. She may be fond of your kids but she has never been very communicative has she? Yes one would hope a bit more, at least a thank you so much for the gifts and it’s been a pleasure looking after your children but hey ho. It would irk me a bit but people are very good at compartmentalising and I’d just move on.