AIBU to feel hurt by our childminder's abrupt goodbye?

[Bitzy123]

My partner dropped off the kids at the childminders (who gave notice to us four weeks ago) this morning. Yesterday we dropped off flowers and chocolates. Grandma will pick them up this evening so my partner who does all the pick ups and drop offs won't see her again and not will anyone after today. She said she had given notice for personal reasons and gave no other reasons after looking after my son for 2 years who is 2 years 7 months and my other son who is 20 months. She has had them both since months old. There has never been much more handover or communication from her (I found out other childminders give comprehensive info on naps mealtimes etc) and she has only ever told us things when my partner asks. She has always been pleasant and reliable though and I thought we were good. It really knocked me for 6 when she gave notice but we have found someone else. I guess I just find it strange the lack of anything. I wanted to be gracious despite her binning us off and got her a big box of chocolates, nice flowers and a thank you card signed from all of us.

This morning my partner updated me after drop off that she barely said anything and was about to shut the door on him before he could wish her well and say bye etc, he said all th best and she said 'oh yes I wont see you later will I I hope it goes well with the new minder'. She has 20 years experience and 2 grown up sons of her own. We have never had any conflict, I wondered why she has been so cold at the end after she has been the one to slight us? Before people chime in with 'shw owes you nothing' etc I know all that already I understand nobody owes anyone anything! I just feel hurt that she didn't even have a few words to say before leaving even if she doesn't owe them.. to us a childminder has been meaningful and someone whom we've trusted to care for our sons since they were both 5 months old on this journey that is parenting etc. I wonder what we've done wrong or what went wrong?

I thought it would convey some appreciation she maybe didn't feel from us? Or put a more positive spin on things, lessen the tension and and give a nicer ending but it hasn't really?. What I hope is that it isn't anything to do with me and that it's not personal and not knowing wether that's the case or not is hard

I know there have been loads of children throughout her years etc I am aware of that and very conscious of it I work with children myself. I do always like to end with families by acknowledging I won't see them again and closing the last meeting with a few nice words and these are people I haven't worked with any where near as closely as her. I get not everyone is like this but it does feel strange.

Thanks for honesty

She doesn't know my emotions I've never revealed them and my partner sees her day to day I've seen her sometimes when I've joined for pick up and drop off. My messages haven't revealed any emotions I don't think. Maybe the gifts were a bit much idk? It is a business relationship and like I said I work with kids too and aren't emotionally invested in them the way I am with my family however I am still mindful to give the respect of a few closing words and acknowledging endings on the last occasions I see parents and young people or I would feel really bad.

Do you want to link your previous thread to give context? No worries if you don't want to, but saw you have name changed.

My partners mum is really caring of them and generally a really nice woman. She runs a brownies group and worked in a school and has 9 grandkids so she has her views on it all. She would probably ask even though she isn't confrontational so I could ask her to. She has said herself she thinks the childminder has given poor hangovers and minimal communication when she's picked them up in the past and that we deserve an explanation and it's not right so that's her opinion. Idk what she would say to get the information out of her.

Handovers not hangovers 😂

I dropped my phone in bath and set up a new mumsnet because I couldn't remember the old one lol

I thought things were about to get rather fun!

But you specifically stated in your other post that you were worried that she was not going to mind them anymore when the childminder complained about their behaviour.
How is this a shock to you?

I'd be exactly the same and would want a few "wrapping-up" words, but I've got to the grand old age where I have accepted you can't always elicit the response from people that would sit best with you, and you have to let it go.

I think the flowers were fine - but she clearly isn't wanting to make a "flowery" fuss over it all. Some childminders actually think that brisk is better for the children with these things.

Tantrums and hitting are pretty normal toddler behaviour, but it’s understandable too if she felt she couldn’t cope with it any longer.

She was probably trying to be kind and spare your feelings by saying “personal reasons”.

My friend had a similar experience, childminder had her daughter from 9 months to about 3.5 years old , 3
days a week.
She terminated their contract by letter sent home in child’s bag and remember my friend being devastated as she thought they had more of a ‘ relationship ‘ .
She was giving up childminding so not just my friend , we attach quite a lot of emotion to those who care for our children I think so you’re not being unreasonable, but maybe she like my friends childminder just saw it as a job 😔

Yes they do run about everywhere so it's probably that

It's not a shock now just thought she might say a few words before exiting forever lol

😂

Well at least it was all the children not just hers

You are not wrong to feel/be upset. But I do think you need to let it go, as the not knowing will drive you mad. Do a bit of CBT .

The childminder also doesn’t need to give you a reason either.
I wouldn’t have bought chocolate/ flowers either. Well maybe a cheap and cheerful bunch of daffodils off each child.

A few words would have been nice, didn't really expect but feel a bit sad cos even though we were a small part of our story she was a big part of mine if you get me. I wanted her to know we appreciated her time with them as ashes been the only minder involved other than us granny and my sister

Yeah probably should have done that instead really, I didn't want to do a gift that seemed unappreciative or small if I do one at all but on reflection maybe just a little something from each child would have been better. I didn't want to overwhelm her just make peace and show that whatever has happened we can have a positive ending and incase/if we didn't show it enough that although it's a business relationship we appreciated her involvement.

But the kids were only arriving, they were not leaving. She was going to have them all day. I know their grandmother was picking them up but I am sure she would have said goodbye to the kids then. Also, what would you have liked her to say? Sorry to see you go? Your kids were a pleasure to mind? I will miss them? Obviously none of those things were true. She did say best of luck with the new childminder. I am struggling to see what else she could have said to be honest.

I can imagine that this is upsetting. I usually try and think in these situations that the other person probably has something bigger going on and quite often that turns out to be true.

Thanks I've considered all this and it's nice to hear it reflected from someone else. Yeah I really hope the new lady just gives some handovers (not hangovers 😂) and that the communication is just a little more thorough as hard as it is with them escaping in the drop offs and pick ups. I don't expect fanfares or big gesture and lamenting if you knew me you could see I am not like that 😂 but I do like to be in the know about things a little bit like development, naps, poos etc.ive heard other cms have a book on it or an app to record the info, mil seems to think that's the bare minimum and that there should be more communication. Ofc childminders are entitled to be as casual as they want with that but hopefully I have dropped on someone who's a bit more communicative this time 🤞🏻

Yes, she does, to a paying customer! Unless she is giving up the business altogether, which she’s not, she owes an explanation to the op. as the ‘personal reasons’ obviously involve the op’s dc in particular. If there are behavioural or other issues - (e.g. maybe she doesn’t care to do potty training!) - it’s the job of a responsible childminder to explain why she can no longer accommodate your dc. It’s really cowardly to avoid a potentially awkward conversation by saying ‘personal reasons’. She’s meant to be a childcare professional. You’re well rid, op, if you ask me.

Yes I feel more good about it when I can think like this. Maybe she does have something bigger going on.

Exactly I think that's what it is. And maybe now I know none of these things were true and that's a bit sad to process.