AIBU to feel hurt by our childminder's abrupt goodbye?

[Bitzy123]

My partner dropped off the kids at the childminders (who gave notice to us four weeks ago) this morning. Yesterday we dropped off flowers and chocolates. Grandma will pick them up this evening so my partner who does all the pick ups and drop offs won't see her again and not will anyone after today. She said she had given notice for personal reasons and gave no other reasons after looking after my son for 2 years who is 2 years 7 months and my other son who is 20 months. She has had them both since months old. There has never been much more handover or communication from her (I found out other childminders give comprehensive info on naps mealtimes etc) and she has only ever told us things when my partner asks. She has always been pleasant and reliable though and I thought we were good. It really knocked me for 6 when she gave notice but we have found someone else. I guess I just find it strange the lack of anything. I wanted to be gracious despite her binning us off and got her a big box of chocolates, nice flowers and a thank you card signed from all of us.

This morning my partner updated me after drop off that she barely said anything and was about to shut the door on him before he could wish her well and say bye etc, he said all th best and she said 'oh yes I wont see you later will I I hope it goes well with the new minder'. She has 20 years experience and 2 grown up sons of her own. We have never had any conflict, I wondered why she has been so cold at the end after she has been the one to slight us? Before people chime in with 'shw owes you nothing' etc I know all that already I understand nobody owes anyone anything! I just feel hurt that she didn't even have a few words to say before leaving even if she doesn't owe them.. to us a childminder has been meaningful and someone whom we've trusted to care for our sons since they were both 5 months old on this journey that is parenting etc. I wonder what we've done wrong or what went wrong?

We once paid a day late in 2 years (I was in hospital having my second son c section) and we completely forgot but the other 24 times we paid in advance. been late about 3 times in the 2 years by around 1- 5 mins. The children went through a difficult stage recently yes, hitting and throwing and tantrumming. It's subsided the past couple of weeks.

This seems more natural and normal to me lol I wasn't expecting this from this one but something more than absolutely nothing I guess. Yeah ik you're right it's time to move on 😅

I'm posting about the last day this time, before it was about the notice when we first found out. I've only posted twice on here and it's been about this. I will find it easier after today I think cos today's the most penultimate with it being the last day.

WHAT do you want her to say? From what you described in your last thread your kids are a nightmare. THERE is your answer. She is hardly going to be upset they are leaving or tell your partner that she will miss them so much.
She said good luck with the new childminder and that says it all. What "words" do you think she should have for you?

Why you are still harping on about it is beyond me. The other thread was bad enough without moaning she is not lamenting your kids leaving. Sounds like she is relieved. Get over it and move on.

Because still minding the other children and really because of hearing nothing now it's the end. There's been no closure or even a few words to summarise just radio silence so now I'm wondering did I do something?

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt though

Yeah just stopped minding my kids. I thought getting the flowers and chocolates would show appreciation for the time she looked after them and allow us and me to make peace with it but she's still been cold so in retrospect I feel a bit silly getting the flowers. I hope she is just a woman who doesn't say much and really it's not that personal to us.

She’s embarrassed? Was worried she was not paying attention to the children?

Yeah I thought maybe it's the bad patch they went through but apparently throwing tantrums hitting etc sometimes is normal at 1 and 2 according to people I know and on here.. it's been mixed reviews really. Even if it's normal it could be that she'd prefer someone else easier like people have said or who brings more revenue in. Either way after two years I thought it she didn't hate us she might have said goodbye and wish you well etc, I think I had a different idea on my head of who she is and maybe there is something we've done to upset her? Ino think after today I'll let go of it because the boys won't have to keep coming back to her anymore they'll be with the new minder.

Thanks. I think it will be okay after today, it's just cos today is the last ever day.

Do you think that's possible? I really thought with her experience and how she comes across she would pay attention but maybe she wasn't. It does explain things a bit.

It’s likely your boys were challenging for her to mind and she’s wanting an easier life, from what you described. Sorry.

Maybe I am autistic like people are saying and very weird. Yeah a bit, I am upset he lashes out sometimes and that he doesn't like sharing his things. He's brilliant in lots of ways, very smart early talker walker very perceptive etc but I do worry there's something niggling about how he doesn't relate to others and how he can get angry so quickly.

This

move on OP

Just get granny who’s collecting them tonight to ask why she’s giving them up if you’re still desperate to know. She might be more likely to get an honest answer.

Then have a bath and a glass of wine tonight and start looking forwards.

I didn’t read your previous thread but it seems that maybe she’s ’binned you off’ because of your children’s behaviour?
If that’s the case, what did you expect from her? That she rolled out the red carpet and welcomed the children with a fanfare?
All seems a bit odd.

For whatever reason OP, she wants to end the association.

It may be personal reasons, she may have an anal fissure that makes her prefer babies to active toddlers ... who knows.

If it is "personal," the most likely thing is that she maybe finds one or both of your dc a bit tricky, and it sounds as though that could be a possibility. But just note it, work on the issue and keep moving on. If that is it and she was a brilliant childminder, she might be wanting to be proactive in tackling it with you. But it seems she doesn't.

You ultimately can't control what others think and decide. Most of us are making wrong assessments of things and people all the time. So long as you are prepared to consider what it might have been that could have upset things - and it sounds as though you have - there isn't much you can do. You tried with the flowers and at least you don't have to wonder if you could have made things less awkward had you made such a gesture.

I think you are right and this will all seem less important once you are not in the notice period.

The bottom line is you feel your dc have been rejected. That isn't easy to process, but it might be something else entirely unrelated to them or you. Nevertheless, your children will be slighted and passed over many, many times before they reach adulthood. It is hard, but it is part of parenting to just move on and seek out the supporters.

Have you considered that she might be ill and pre-occupied?

Why? She said "personal reasons", she doesn't have to explain anything further!

I think OP wanted her to say it wasn't personal and she would have loved to keep her dc on but something made that not possible.

That might in fact be the case, but if it isn't I don't think the minder seems "minded" to impart any further feedback on that, so the upshot is the same: it's time to move on and try not to keep looking back.

Are you the same poster that posted a few weeks ago about being upset that the childminder had given you notice but hadn’t detailed what about her personal life had changed? If so, kindly, you are way too over-invested in her reasoning. It’s just a job to her, and you’ve managed to find someone else. Let it go and don’t give it a second thought.

I would not have given flowers and chocolates to a woman who was uncommunicative and gave me notice.

You’ve made the classic mistake of being nice to someone who doesn’t warrant it and are now feeling the pain.

Being charitable, she may have problems you don’t know about. Or she’s just miserable in general.

Be glad you’ve had a lucky escape and forget her.

Sometimes people are bad at goodbyes.
But from the way you describe it, it does seem as if there is something more.
You say she has given up for personal reasons. And it is worrying you whether those personal reasons are close to home.
I would let sleeping dogs lie. Look forward. Your children will adjust to the new childminder.
Don’t tie yourself up in knots trying to work out why she left.

She was at the door talking to your DH so if the children had ran inside then she was focussing on DH rather than the DCs. But if they were standing next to her then it wouldn’t be that.

Even if they're a nightmare she didn't have them for a couple years so I thought she'd maybe want to say goodbye or something after giving notice to us. They aren't a nightmare every single minute they have redeeming qualities and i have seen worse behaved toddlers so I thought maybe she could care about them a little bit enough to say something. I'm not a lamenter myself but even I would feel bad not saying goodbye and a few words etc..

I haven't harped on about this to her or others I'm coming here to vent for that reason. Can't really help thinking about it. I didn't think there'd be nothing at all said on the last day unless we'd really annoyed her or upset her.