AIBU to feel hurt by our childminder's abrupt goodbye?

[Bitzy123]

My partner dropped off the kids at the childminders (who gave notice to us four weeks ago) this morning. Yesterday we dropped off flowers and chocolates. Grandma will pick them up this evening so my partner who does all the pick ups and drop offs won't see her again and not will anyone after today. She said she had given notice for personal reasons and gave no other reasons after looking after my son for 2 years who is 2 years 7 months and my other son who is 20 months. She has had them both since months old. There has never been much more handover or communication from her (I found out other childminders give comprehensive info on naps mealtimes etc) and she has only ever told us things when my partner asks. She has always been pleasant and reliable though and I thought we were good. It really knocked me for 6 when she gave notice but we have found someone else. I guess I just find it strange the lack of anything. I wanted to be gracious despite her binning us off and got her a big box of chocolates, nice flowers and a thank you card signed from all of us.

This morning my partner updated me after drop off that she barely said anything and was about to shut the door on him before he could wish her well and say bye etc, he said all th best and she said 'oh yes I wont see you later will I I hope it goes well with the new minder'. She has 20 years experience and 2 grown up sons of her own. We have never had any conflict, I wondered why she has been so cold at the end after she has been the one to slight us? Before people chime in with 'shw owes you nothing' etc I know all that already I understand nobody owes anyone anything! I just feel hurt that she didn't even have a few words to say before leaving even if she doesn't owe them.. to us a childminder has been meaningful and someone whom we've trusted to care for our sons since they were both 5 months old on this journey that is parenting etc. I wonder what we've done wrong or what went wrong?

Yes I would. By the bar is so low for staff at private nurseries and childminders! Such an important job but so poorly regulated! What a miserable cow!

Stop judging her. You're not the centre of her life and decisions.
She hasn't been rude. She's been a good, reliable carer for your children.
Just leave it and stop thinking about yourself.

I read your other thread.

I think you are struggle with her decision and reading things in to her motives that arent there.

hopefully your boys will settle quickly with the other minder and that person won’t find their behaviour as problematic as this minder has.

You only have one side of the story remember.

Yes, that's what I can't fathom. Maybe she's unwell, maybe she doesn't find good-byes easy. So strange to judge her like this.

She could be very sad privately and just not the kind of person who expresses herself much outwardly. Her relationship has been primarily with the children so once she said appropriate goodbyes to them I wouldn't mind. If she hasn't really been that communicative before it's natural that she's like that even though the arrangement is ending.

Her goodbye doesnt sound that out of the ordinary for her personality, going by what you're saying in this thread, although others seem to know you from other threads I dont go looking for posters previous threads.

So it sounds like thats her general personality, quite perfunctory, she may be ND and is straight to the point or something and if she has personal things going on, perhaps health or trauma, she isnt going to go into those details she doesnt need to

People hate goodbyes, I cant stand it, I would probably just say goodbye, thanks for the flowers and shut the door.

She is just giving up our kids when my partner asked after we found out a few weeks ago she said 'no not all of them' when asked if she was giving the others up

She always presents at face value as pleasant which is why I'm wondering why the notice and the lack of anything really? I'm baffled I wonder what we've done

Agree 100pc - a childhood nanny we loved as children disappeared with a week’s notice. We were heartbroken that she left when we were at school and didn’t say goodbye. Many years later (I found out from a colleague who was related to her husband) it turned out that she was a victim of Modern Slavery and was at our place on the run from her initial ‘employer’ who had tracked her down at our place and threatened her if she didn’t return. She really enjoyed her time with us and regretted leaving. She has since died so we haven’t been able to see her as adults.

I wonder if OPs lady has an external situation which is complex and sad.

That's her decision. Accept it.

Yea maybe it's this, I'm glad someone else has said this maybe she is just not a particularly communicative person, although quiet I'm very open to communicate but I try to keep in mind not everyone else is

Totally agree with this, she may be finding the amount of children she has taken on hard and is feeling bad she is letting others down, good byes are always awkward.

maybe she was expecting you to make the effort to do drop off since it was the last one, who knows, you weren’t there, maybe your oh is overthinking it too.

Perhaps she's not a very sociable person. Not everyone is confident when talking to other people which is why she may have seemed a somewhat reserved over the time she has cared for your children. My DS went into childcare at 3 months (a long time ago now) he and my DS went to several childcare providers over time - all were good and my DCs were well looked after but there were a few hiccups along the way including one giving us notice after only a few months. That's just the way it is. It's their job but our DCs are our most treasured possessions so there is some disparity in that which makes the emotional side a little tricky to navigate at times.

Try to reframe your thoughts that your children have been well looked after and happy and now it's time to move onto new things.

I think I'd be a little concerned for her and the reasons for her giving you notice. If she has grown up children herself, perhaps she has responsibilities for elderly parents or an illness with herself or someone else in her family.

I guess you'll never know but try to take the small comfort that she wished your DH well with your new childcare provider. I hope they settle in quickly 😊

Ok. Stop making it about you. Maybe she's cutting down work, maybe she's got a health problem or one of her loved ones has.
It's important to understand that some people have a lot going on and don't always choose to share the details.

She said she had given notice for personal reasons

I think you need to reflect on the huge range of things this could cover, and just let her get on with her life.

I don't want to judge her at all. I want to know what we've done if anything? I thought she might say thanks and a goodbye for my sons and my partner maybe. I wanted to show my appreciation with the flowers and chocolates etc cos for the time they had with her it meant something to us but it seems like she didn't want to say a single word about them my partner said she really seems to want to just shut the door on him and leave.

This, absolutely.

She might have been upset, stressed, busy, pressured.

You're asking for her to focus on you.

If she's giving up for personal reasons, working out the notice period she gave you might have been really tough for her. She may be really relieved to be giving up the work. It doesn't mean she doesn't care for your children or like them/you. It might just mean her personal circumstances are really stressful for her so she can't muster the feelings you want her to have. Or she said goodbye abruptly because she has a lot of emotions and was trying to avoid them overwhelming her. (That would be like me sometimes, I think).

You’ve already had a load of advice on the other thread you posted about the childminder giving you notice. You need to let this go. I’m finding to very strange how invested you are in someone who made a decision to stop caring for your children. You have another arrangement now but here you are again wanting to know the details of this woman’s life.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5508102-childminder-ending-care-suddenly-for-my-sons-no-clear-reason-given?page=11&reply=151346293

i suggest you find a way to let this go otherwise it’s going to eat at you

Unfortunately you’ll probably never know. Tbh if she’s been so uncommunicative about your dc during the quite significant time she’s had them, her lack of warmth doesn’t sound surprising. Whatever others are saying about childcare settings, if you are looking after children day in, day out, and enjoying it (and childminders shouldn’t be doing the job, if they’re not enjoying it), it is perfectly usual, indeed essential, to form a bond with the.children, especially after 2 years or so, such that you would express some regret that the relationship was ending. It sounds as if either her personality or her circumstances are preventing her from following normal social etiquette, with regard to receiving gifts, saying goodbye etc. A childminder would normally recognise it as a significant farewell.
I would try not to dwell on her churlish response to your gesture of thanks, Just wish her well and move on. Your dc won’t even remember her.

Why would she be sad to say goodbye to your husband?! That’s just weird. What were you expecting - a big sad goodbye that she won’t see him dropping off the kids anymore?

He was dropping the kids off in the morning and still has a full day with your kids. I’m sure she’ll say her goodbyes to the kids at the end of the day when Grandma collects. Why would she be all gushy in the morning and say a big goodbye to your husband?! She has a relationship with the kids, not their Dad.

As an over thinker myself, I want to advise you that people who don't overthink this stuff have a much nicer time generally. It doesn't matter why the childminder is being a cow - you will never have to see her again after this. Even if it IS personal she is not right; she hasn't identified some secret and essential flaw in your family. She's just made a decision about her own life. You're grand and your kids are most likely lovely and even if that's not true you are allowed to be how you are!

You can't help your feelings but you can try to manage them so the sting of what feels like rejection doesn't infiltrate your entire life. It probably isn't personal rejection but even if it is, fuck her! She's not the judge of everything! Look forward and move on to the next thing or you're going to send yourself mad.