AIBU to feel hurt by our childminder's abrupt goodbye?

[Bitzy123]

My partner dropped off the kids at the childminders (who gave notice to us four weeks ago) this morning. Yesterday we dropped off flowers and chocolates. Grandma will pick them up this evening so my partner who does all the pick ups and drop offs won't see her again and not will anyone after today. She said she had given notice for personal reasons and gave no other reasons after looking after my son for 2 years who is 2 years 7 months and my other son who is 20 months. She has had them both since months old. There has never been much more handover or communication from her (I found out other childminders give comprehensive info on naps mealtimes etc) and she has only ever told us things when my partner asks. She has always been pleasant and reliable though and I thought we were good. It really knocked me for 6 when she gave notice but we have found someone else. I guess I just find it strange the lack of anything. I wanted to be gracious despite her binning us off and got her a big box of chocolates, nice flowers and a thank you card signed from all of us.

This morning my partner updated me after drop off that she barely said anything and was about to shut the door on him before he could wish her well and say bye etc, he said all th best and she said 'oh yes I wont see you later will I I hope it goes well with the new minder'. She has 20 years experience and 2 grown up sons of her own. We have never had any conflict, I wondered why she has been so cold at the end after she has been the one to slight us? Before people chime in with 'shw owes you nothing' etc I know all that already I understand nobody owes anyone anything! I just feel hurt that she didn't even have a few words to say before leaving even if she doesn't owe them.. to us a childminder has been meaningful and someone whom we've trusted to care for our sons since they were both 5 months old on this journey that is parenting etc. I wonder what we've done wrong or what went wrong?

I remember your other thread,but didn't reply as had nothing original to add.

Time to let it go now...it's clearly just a job for her.Focus on settling your boys into a good relationship with their new carer.

I was very close with my boys nursery keyworker,she helped me so much with them. It was a wrench to leave and we stayed in touch on WA for ages then it naturally drifted off.

I see her in our local quite a bit tho and we always say hi.One time she was plastered and was asking me to do shots with her 🤣Totally different side to the calm,maturer,practical lady I used to see every day!

Oh so she isn't actually giving up childminding? She's just stopping minding your kids?

Yeah I'd be a bit confused by that and it would make me think something about my children had made her not want to mind them specifically anymore.

I probably wouldn't have got her flowers etc either tbh.

It's not 'quite strange! if you've read the previous thread. Trust me. Don't blame the childminder.

Me either, except I suppose all the validation from people who haven't read the other threads.

It was weird from the beginning, it's quite something else now!!

You need to get to the bottom of why you're taking this so hard. Do you have concerns about your son's behaviour?

You’re overthinking it.

We had much better experiences with nursery than the 2 childminders we had.

I wouldn’t have got her chocolates and flowers that’s a bit OTT although a lovely thing to do. I would be a bit put out if she tried to shut the door on me too. Stop worrying about it

You don't know what's going on in her life, maybe she has some bad news and is struggling to think of anything other than that hence the cold response and suddenly handing her notice in? Either way it's not really your business to know the reason why

I actually was thinking something similar op.

I know someone whom your posts are reminding me of and I am fond of her and she largely means well but sometimes not quite as well as she convinces herself. She is very much the "let's put this all right with a lovely gesture" type, and I think she genuinely DOES want things to be ok but it is really as much for her conscience and sense of how "well" she manages things as it is about the other person's actual feelings. There are worse things than wanting to feel you have managed things well - but at least be honest with yourself that's what it is about. I think you are feeling a bit frustrated because deep down the flowers and "big" box of chocs were an attempt to manipulate the situation back to one you felt comfortable with, and she hasn't played ball. As you said yourself, you want to know you haven't done something wrong, and I think the gifts were intended to leave you with a warmer, fuzzier feeling than you have been allowed.

If it helps, I suspect this whole thing has very little to do with you. I mean that helpfully - but sometimes that isn't really what people are wanting to feel? It sounds to me as though she is genuinely facing some personal issues and trying hard to manage professionally through them. What you are wanting and what she is wanting out of this farewell process are fundamentally mismatched and I think you have to accept she has other things on her mind.

More generally, however, I also think one of the hardest things for us to accept as parents is that teachers and childminders and caregivers and nannies etc simply don't see our dc the way we - as their parents - would hope they do. Several pp who have been childminders have more or less said this. Our dc are the most precious things in the world to us; at the end of the day they are usually one in a whole stream of children the teacher/childminder interacts with and they are, for them, more than anything else, a prop for income generation. Yes, some of them quite like, even love "children" as an amorphous group, but honestly I have met quite a few who I suspect don't really even like children much and fate and circumstance manoeuvred them into the role. The teachers or nannies who really care beyond a professional interest (or even box-tick) are few and far between - and perhaps it isn't even healthy for them in a way to become too attached when at any point the parent could change horses and children develop and move on. Genuinely interested individuals do exist but are far from the norm, but of course accepting that cuts across every parental instinct when we are entrusting our dc to them, often for large chunks of their developmental hours. So strings of my friends have felt similar things to you when nannies have moved on without a backward glance etc. This simply isn't as important to this lady as it is to you, and chocs and hand-wringing etc are not going to make it so. You care, she doesn't much. And I suspect she feels the chocs etc are all just a ploy to make her gushy about what is ultimately something she has decided she wants to do: move on.

There are many people who are technically good at theor actual roles but crap at customer service aspects. That's it really.

If her services have always been in demand she probably has never had any reason to improve her appeal to parents. I'm not really a "people person" but I'd be absolutely hauled over the coals if I greeted clients in a blunt dismissive way. We are competing for work with other firms and can't afford to offend, even slightly. A childminder with a waiting list or wanting to reduce her numbers wont have that concern.

Why do you think the childminder giving notice has slighted you?

I remember your other thread on this. You will never know why she has chosen to do this. All this speculation is not healthy. She has chosen not to continue with caring for your children, that is all.

I think I saw your other message and she's actually got other clients she's dropping you for, and gave hardly any notice and you'd paid to keep your place through maternity? If so, it's very nice of you to give the gift after being messed around like that, and how she's treating you seems rude to me.
It could be there's other things going on with her, and maybe she feels bad but has been pressured in some way to take on the new kids. But you'll never know, and unfortunately you'll just need to put it down to one of those sad times when relationships that should be important end badly, for no reason you know.

So she’s chosen to give up your kids, but keep others so maybe you need to read something into that? Otherwise, I’d just get on and build a new relationship with a new childminder.

It does seem that she has something going on. I'm a former childminder and always made a child's last day special for them and their family.

It was very kind of you to get her chocolates and flowers in the circumstances.

To he honest though she doesn't sound like a great childminder.

You should have been getting information about naps, activities, food eaten, nappy changes etc as a minimum in communication. Most childminders do daily diaries with all this in.

There should have been information about development milestones and next steps for each child and a proper progress review at 2 years old.

Most childminders also send regular photos and art work, crafts and gifts made by the children for events like mother's day.

You haven't mentioned any of that so it might be happening but if it hasn't been it should have.

I'm glad you've found a new childminder and hopefully you will have a better, more positive experience going forward.

Move on from this.

If pps are right and she's going through a personal crisis of some kind, obviously that changes the picture. But in normal circumstances I think there's a bit of a difference between showing a degree of normal friendliness and 'some great big goodbye'. Do people really go through their lives not bothering to be pleasant and friendly to others?

I think she probably is a bit socially awkward with adults, and that she maybe does feel a bit uncomfortable with the situation - she hasn't done anything wrong at all, but she knows that her giving notice was bad news for you, and very few people like having to give bad news. Unlike others, I don't think that expecting her to say a quick verbal goodbye to someone she's seen regularly for two years and won't see again is exactly a mad expectation, but I do think there's nothing to be gained by dwelling on it.

Did you always pay on time? Did you often arrive early or late? Can the children be difficult? Did you chop and change the arrangements a lot? I am a business owner, and these are the reasons why I would drop a client.

I remember your other thread, it seemed your child was hard to handle and she wanted out. You wouldn't accept it then either. LET HER GO and stop flogging a dead horse. This is just getting weird now.

I assumed it because she is still childminding for the other children and hasn't said anything to me since giving notice really. She didn't say much before but it's odd that we've tried to have a pleasant close and she's still acting off it makes me think that it is actually personal and makes me wonder what I did. Maybe I did nothing but what has happened gives me a hunch there is more to it and I really want to find out what. For the people that sought out the other thread that's the only one I've posted on here about the giving notice bit and since then my son's behaviour has been very good which I've noticed at home also. He's becoming more aware and he even knows he is moving on to another childminder. Luckily he seems I bothered by it.

If you paid on time and treated her respectfully either she’s handed her notice in due to your child’s behaviour or because she’s changing her hours /reducing work. It’s likely she feels awkward.

But why would it be something you specifically did when you've said your DH is the one who does the drop-offs and pick-ups and it's your children she's minding - it doesn't even sound like you ever really see her?

I agree that I'd be wondering what's going on if she ditched my children in this way, but I would assume it's something to do with them and that she's finding one/both of them difficult for some reason, and I would be frustrated that she hadn't told us her true reasons - but I wouldn't assume it's something I personally did.

I totally know this but yeah I thought she might have had maybe one or two words to say to my partner and hopefully she will say something to the kids too by the end of today. He said it was really odd he wanted to wish her well and say thank you to her and she was like 'oh yes hope it goes well' whilst closing the door on him. I do think after today it'll be better because there won't be the constant lingering anymore. That's what's made me hang up on it so much, the fact they're still having to go there for the notice period.