AIBU to feel hurt by our childminder's abrupt goodbye?

[Bitzy123]

My partner dropped off the kids at the childminders (who gave notice to us four weeks ago) this morning. Yesterday we dropped off flowers and chocolates. Grandma will pick them up this evening so my partner who does all the pick ups and drop offs won't see her again and not will anyone after today. She said she had given notice for personal reasons and gave no other reasons after looking after my son for 2 years who is 2 years 7 months and my other son who is 20 months. She has had them both since months old. There has never been much more handover or communication from her (I found out other childminders give comprehensive info on naps mealtimes etc) and she has only ever told us things when my partner asks. She has always been pleasant and reliable though and I thought we were good. It really knocked me for 6 when she gave notice but we have found someone else. I guess I just find it strange the lack of anything. I wanted to be gracious despite her binning us off and got her a big box of chocolates, nice flowers and a thank you card signed from all of us.

This morning my partner updated me after drop off that she barely said anything and was about to shut the door on him before he could wish her well and say bye etc, he said all th best and she said 'oh yes I wont see you later will I I hope it goes well with the new minder'. She has 20 years experience and 2 grown up sons of her own. We have never had any conflict, I wondered why she has been so cold at the end after she has been the one to slight us? Before people chime in with 'shw owes you nothing' etc I know all that already I understand nobody owes anyone anything! I just feel hurt that she didn't even have a few words to say before leaving even if she doesn't owe them.. to us a childminder has been meaningful and someone whom we've trusted to care for our sons since they were both 5 months old on this journey that is parenting etc. I wonder what we've done wrong or what went wrong?

I'm confused by this - what did you want her to say to your partner? She'll probably say her goodbyes to your children at the end of the day when they're picked up. I know your children are the centre of your world but this is a job to her and while she may be fond of the children she minds, at the end of the day it's how she pays her bills.

I get it. She’s been a huge part of your DCs’ lives and it is a wrench. Our childminder met a tragic end and I am still dwelling on it a year later although she stopped working with us a few years ago. Even without a premature ending or death, raising children is often compared to grief. This is the end of a pivotal relationship for you but the fanfare seems to have been one sided. I wonder if it’s worth asking whether she has any feedback for you as clients going forwards to make sure your next childminder experience runs smoothly? It could also be the ages of your DC. Perhaps there is a ratio issue? Perhaps she can’t handle toddlers of that age any more? Babies and 3/4 year olds would be easier? Perhaps she has got compassion fatigue so can’t be bothered communicating a socially acceptable goodbye?
I wish you well with your new childminder. Hopefully they will have a communication style more in line with yours.

Exactly, I worked a a Chilmider for a few years. It never occurred to me to make a fuss about saying goodbye to one of the parents. I’d make sure I had a nice last day with the children and say my goodbyes to them and have a hug at the end of the day.

I think your expectations are strange. Tbh your kids are just a couple more in the long line of kids she’s looked after over the years. There’s clearly some issue to make her give up child minding so she has bigger things going on than satisfying your need for drama over yet another kid moving on. Honestly I’m not sure what you wanted, hugs, presents, confirmation that your kids are the best she’s ever looked after and she’ll be distraught never seeing them again? What did you expect?

Just wanted to add, its also possible that she wanted to keep things low key and easy and not make a big production out of goodbye, Ill never see you again and upset the children.... and then your husband arrives with flowers and chocolates and escalates the whole handover into something out of th eordinary. Just calm down and try to make the transition smooth and easy for the little ones. Goodbye is a big deal to them and might stir up all kinds of reactions that you will then have to manage when transitioning them into the new childcare.

no it’s weird but never mind, hope ur new one is better at communicating and giving you more involved details about kids day etc.

I agree with this. It's similar with colleagues. One day, you know all about their lives. You / they leave the company, you never see them again

As I've grown older, I've become increasingly comfortable about this. Most friendships / relationships are based on proximity / convenieence

On the surface this thread doesn’t seem too strange, but as I remember your old thread about this childminder with over 80(!) replies.. I think you are massively overthinking this. You need to move on

I'm glad that you found a new childminder, it must be quite a headache to find.
As others have said there are many reasons why she cannot carry on.
It might of been an idea if you had asked her to write down a list of nap times and other info.

Agree with this and would also add - you bought her flowers and chocs when really you are feeling annoyed and mystified about what has happened and now you're feeling more annoyed when she didn't react how you hoped to the gifts. That's on you - don't buy flowers and chocs for people you're annoyed with!

Maybe she is embarrassed? You will come across many different people who care for your children as they grow older - holiday care, clubs, babysitters etc.
Some will be very open with you, some won’t. It’s just the way it is.

From your other thread, it sounds like it was your sons’ behaviour being too much for her. If she has 20 years experience, maybe she can now afford to pick and choose clients and feels she can do without having to manage lashing out etc. The lack of communication at the end will probably just reflect relief that she’s ‘managed’ a difficult task of shuffling her clients around to bettter suit her own needs and wants.

It sucks for you, and I hope your next childminder is less fazed by your boys’ behaviour. Are you addressing it at home? xx

I agree with this ^
Of course she was a big person in your life. It’s ok and we all felt like it when someone cared for our kids. But for her you were one of many families - and it’s ok as well. However she should have been more understanding to your side and make an effort at the end.

Imo you were too gracious. She is not stopping childminding - she doesn’t want your boys any more and she has created by this a big inconvenience for you. And I remember from your previous thread that you paid a lot to keep the place. So I think you read the situation wrongly when you bought her flowers, chocolate and a card. You shouldn’t have.
You wouldn’t know why she dropped your family, of course, I suspect her personal reasons response means that she has found another family more convenient for her and yes she is entitled to it but she has created a big problem for you to make it more convenient for her. So nothing to be so grateful about.

Sometimes you just don’t know what’s going on in people’s lives. She might be going through a bad time. Could be absolutely nothing to do with you.

Honestly I remember your other thread and you really need to let this go and get over it.

Perhaps have a think on why this is bothering you so much when, to most people, they wouldn’t give this a second thought.

Her message giving you notice was polite and professional with no hint of any upset despite you trawling over it and now she’s simply said goodbye. She must have looked after hundreds of children and this is a very usual occurrence for her!

I think that's a fair point, too. Essentially the OP made a gesture that was pretty much the exact opposite of what she was actually feeling, and was then cross that the childminder didn't make some kind of equivalently token gesture in return.

From the other side of the fence, I teach students at a formative time in their lives, and they are often quite emotional about a last lecture or the end of an era, but for people whose job it is, they just take these comings and goings as part of their job. I don't feel emotional about it, just like a job well done, I don't even remember them a few weeks later, I'm busy with the next lot!

Plus, she may be happy to see you go as a client, even if she's been professional.

I agree with everyone, raking over this won't help. You said thank you, you send her flowers and chocs, and now everyone is moving on.

She cared well for your boys when she had them, look to the future.

Do you usually have a long chat at drop off or is she usually trying to sort all the kids out and settle them down? She might’ve been prepared to do the goodbyes at the end of the day and was caught out by your partner expecting it in the morning. As for why she gave notice, she may be needing to take on more babies to keep afloat and has to give notice to the older children before they turn 3 (in my LA, 9 month funding is double private fees, but 3 year funding is less than minimum wage). For something like behaviour issues, rule breaking or late payment she should’ve communicated this to you when it happened. Have there definitely not been any issues raised?

Some of the comments about the childminder have been a little harsh - "cow", "lack of warmth" etc. However, I do wonder what her version of this whole story would be. But, OP, you will never know so just as the others advise, close it in your head and move on. Good luck with your new CM.

If she takes on new children after giving notice to you for your’s to leave then it is a clear signal she has been offended by something.
do you have a right to ask for paperwork where she takes notes on your kids development (if this is even a thing) under DSAR?

Huge thing that the op left out. Maybe she was glad to be done with them.

She probably feels an element of guilt for giving up your children but not others. I know childminders are in demand so can afford to be choosy about the kids they look after and may cherry pick easy well behaved children over those who are more challenging to look after. Are your children particularly challenging?

The ops kids sound to me like they’re hard work - their behaviour seems on the “rough play” end of normal in that they play roughly and run about rampaging and fight with each other. And the op in her other thread described them hitting other children in the setting. All in all, I’d say they were relatively hard work.

If she is just giving up on your kids and has been funny with your husband, I would presume there is an issue but she isn’t telling you what it is.

@Bitzy123 I wouldn’t give it any further headspace.

Yes it’s a paid job but you gave her gifts to say thank you and goodbye and you didn’t have to do that, you were being kind.

When my daughter left we gave the staff flowers and wine, they were so grateful.

I would have been miffed if they couldn’t even be bothered to say thank you and goodbye.