AIBU to keep working when the children may need me more?

[Nurseposter123]

I have 2 DS and the oldest is about to start school.

We are very lucky in that husband earns a lot of money (a LOT) I earn £35,000 a year but have never wanted to be a SAHM and want to keep my career going in case of anything bad happening and to retain some level of independence. I feel strongly about this as a woman.

My children are not thriving with this. They are in nursery Monday to Thursday 8-5:30. My husband works longggggg hours so I am doing all drops and pick ups and bedtime, chores. We could easily afford for me to not work (infact with two in nursery we're paying for me to work currently as not entitled to any childcare quite rightly)

My youngest in particular is sensitive and suspected ASD of some kind and I am starting to feel my career is selfish and not benefitting anyone. The crying at drop offs etc. What would you do?

YABU - Dont quit, other options
YANBU - Quit and put your kids first.

You will end up burnt out. It’s a lot to take on with an almost absent father.

Mine as a nurse would never progress to his earnings, not even a quarter of them if I am being honest. The most frustrating thing is I adore my job but he doesn't love his.

It’s hard I know but your children’s well being is worth any career.
You don’t need to work, the children need support. It’s just a few years. Good luck

I would try a nanny/cleaner/housekeeper first, then if that doesn't work consider other options.

It's so hard to get back into a profession after you've been out for a while, plus it may reduce future career opportunities.

I love my child, I also love my job. For me, leaving work would be a last resort - and I say that as a parent of an autistic child. Selfish or not I want to keep that separate part of me.

Your children have two parents. But if your DH is such a massive earner you can mitigate things by getting a nanny and a cleaner/housekeeper.

It is not on only you to put your DC first, and you are doing the right thing in keeping in work, keeping your pension contributions up etc etc.

If you DO decide to drop your hours or leave the workforce: He must pay your pension contributions (nice big ones) and you must have your own reasonable amount of discretionary spending. Also a cleaner if you want and/or a nanny. And you get to have weekends off sometimes when he takes care of his own children to give you time off from that.

you only address this to the mum. Odd, that.

The father in this case earns a higher wage which benefits his wife and his family. If the OP, the wife, was the higher earner I would be saying the father should give up work and prioritise the children.

Don't twist what I'm saying to suit your agenda.

Do not give it up.

The reasons you cite haven’t changed. It’s your vocation. Plus, yes, what would you do if your DH was ill, went off with stress, started behaving like an arse, or left you (or you wanted to leave him). Hopefully none of this will happen but you do need an answer.

Plus it’s not just financial, having one partner completely dependent on the other means that the whole balance of the relationship changes.

Plus with nursing as you say you need to keep your hand in. What will you do once the kids are at secondary and probably don’t say more than 2 words a day to you? Then for the rest of your life once they leave home?

I know plenty of men in my field (6 figures) who do at least one drop off and pick up a week- so I agree with those that say your DH should at least try this. It’s not just about money, it’s about setting an example for your kids.

Orherwise I agree if you can reduce your hours that sounds like a good idea. Or have you considered a nanny?

I appreciate everyone's responses so far. I don't discuss earnings with friends or family so it's hard to talk it over.

It also feels like a massive first world problem and like it should be straightforward but I love my job and he could leave me or die which he thinks is ridiculous and we are incredibly happy but my independence and autonomy here is also a consideration. I have seen too many women with no way out.

Well what does your DH suggest? Does he have anything he can do to help? I’m slightly interested in whether he has thought about the issue or whether it’s all falling on your shoulders.

Well what does your DH suggest? Does he have anything he can do to help? I’m slightly interested in whether he has thought about the issue or whether it’s all falling on your shoulders.

They aren’t just your DC’s op.
Regardless of your DH’s earning capacity, he should be pulling his weight with regards to DC.
You shouldn’t be the one to sacrifice your career if there is another option that may be in the best interest of the DC’s

You love your job, it’s incredibly valuable, you should have the opportunity to continue. It’s not long till they start school, can you throw the money at the issue by hiring a nanny for some of the time so they can either do short days at nursery then be at home or be at home all the time depending on what is best and you can have some help at home. I know you’ll then be paying even more to work but your happiness and wellbeing shouldn’t suffer for your DH’s job. You could be in a position of getting much of the childcare paid if he didn’t earn so much. It’d be crazy for his job to reduce your options.

I think ultimately the children always come first if you can afford to drop hours, obviously some people HAVE to work and it is what it is but it doesn’t sound like the case here.

Instead of quitting can you not think of compromises?

1. working less hours per day - 1 or 2 hours less a day?
2. drop to 2 or 3 days per week
3. DH reconsiders his hours and looks at dropping some if possible so it’s not you making all the compromise

He thinks I'm mad to keep working, declares he'd pay me an income each month and I should do what makes me happy. He's honestly wonderful and adores me (as I do him) but as a woman I see the bigger picture. My independence and happiness in my vocation and long term the kids won't need me this much - then what.

I don't believe you for one second, but hey ho.

He seems kind but also he isn’t thinking of the fact you also want to progress in your career and maybe he isn’t supporting that.

Yea I agree with this. A high earning but high stress job which he doesn’t love is a bit of a recipe for disaster. People do get made redundant at senior levels, especially those who are paid a lot and don’t love the job. With the onset of AI no one can be complacent.

People also burn out and can have affairs too- especially those who work long hours. If your DH hasn’t hit late 40s/ 50s you’re got the mid life crisis to come too…

Take a look at a CNO's salary...

You're focusing too much on being rich. You're already rich compared to most. You can afford to financially compromise as a family. Why are you so convinced that it's you that needs to take the hit?

I wouldn’t have phrased it so baldly but I do broadly agree with this, sorry.

How bonkers to say that the DH should go part time. It’s highly unlikely that the type of job that pays megabucks would allow part time work. For ££££ they want your soul.

I gave up working for a couple of years because DD was very unhappy at nursery, even though I was the main breadwinner at the time, but my job was just a way to make money. I’ve never loved it.

Being blunt, you’ve chosen to have children and know that they are unhappy. You can do something about it but are choosing not to.

I’d keep at it personally and feel no guilt. You only feel this way because you’re a woman, men don’t feel it.

Could you try a temp reduction in hours for 3 or 6 months, and see if you notice a difference/improvement for the kids?
If you can do it as a temp reduction, you have some protection of being able to increase your hours again (appreciate work may say your role cannot be done effectively on reduced hours).
If they do agree, maybe keep the same amount of days, but shorter days.

Could you not go part time? That seems like a good compromise to keep your hands in but also be available for your children while they need you. You're right that they won't need this forever.

Isn’t a middle ground of two or three days working better?

I went back three days after having ds and it’s a good balance. I’m doing two this year and next for all sorts of reasons and don’t love it but three days is a good balance. I actually think a good nursery or preschool can be a positive influence for a child but I also think four or five days really is a lot.