AIBU to keep working when the children may need me more?

[Nurseposter123]

I have 2 DS and the oldest is about to start school.

We are very lucky in that husband earns a lot of money (a LOT) I earn £35,000 a year but have never wanted to be a SAHM and want to keep my career going in case of anything bad happening and to retain some level of independence. I feel strongly about this as a woman.

My children are not thriving with this. They are in nursery Monday to Thursday 8-5:30. My husband works longggggg hours so I am doing all drops and pick ups and bedtime, chores. We could easily afford for me to not work (infact with two in nursery we're paying for me to work currently as not entitled to any childcare quite rightly)

My youngest in particular is sensitive and suspected ASD of some kind and I am starting to feel my career is selfish and not benefitting anyone. The crying at drop offs etc. What would you do?

YABU - Dont quit, other options
YANBU - Quit and put your kids first.

I would go part time. Ages 4 and 5 and the whole transition to school can be very challenging for a child. My DD certainly struggled with emotional regulation after a day at school and she was home every day at 3.30 so not a huge long day even. It was hard keeping her on an even keel. She needed me to help her regulate. She’s in year 2 now and much more settled, resilient, mature etc and loves after school club two days a week now. I think consider dropping hours just for a couple of years. It’s not forever but that settled start I think is time you won’t get back.

So many options to consider before quitting your career.
some obvious options seem to be a combination of:
reduce your days.
childminder instead of nursery? Could also take the eldest before and after school.
Forest nursery for the younger. Either now or when the elder goes to school.

I read your comments but not the rest and I really think the obvious solution here is to cut down your hours and outsource more as you can clearly afford it easily. There must be various middle ground options.

Don’t quit. You won’t be happy, and the impact of that will also affect your children.

Look at getting a nanny.

I am so shocked by the voting on this from the tradwives. You are lucky to love your job and wise to retain your career/salary- nobody every expects their marriage to fail. It will also be nice to have it when your kids need you less in 10 years.

I agree it would be great if you can manage with your husband going down to 4 days. But if you can go down to 3 that would be better than resigning. Remember your husband pays for (at least) half the childcare, so it's not just your salary that covers it!

I'm always surprised at the lack of putting the children first in these comments ?

On other such threads onus is that no one wants to put their babies and small DC into instructions from the crack of dawn till late at night for most or all of the week ?

Surely childcare is always a last resort?

Op is in the ultimate position with a classic needed job she can return to in a few years to full time after taking time out to raise her own DC ?

It's very sad that we have followed the American model to children where it's commonplace to put them into crèche from three months etc.

All usual exceptions caveated surely a parent should factor in looking after their own child for most of the time when they have children and esp if there is lots of money floating around and....they want too !

I was a single parent so didn’t have a choice but to work FT and use childcare but I remember them constantly getting poorly when they first started primary school and that was really difficult.

How easy is it for you/DH to leave and pick them up from school?

It may be that it works out less stressful for you to go PT for a couple of years and then go back FT.

What job does your DH do?

What are your plans for childcare before and after school (and holidays) come September? Could you bring those plans forward? Have you looked for childminders in your area, which might suit your younger DC in particular? I think I might look to reduce my hours in your situation. Alternatively, as your DH earns so well, could the family still live comfortably if he reduced his hours slightly?

@EvelynBeatrice people can do both ,a working life is very very long isn't it and the new pension age is 67/8. We can work until we drop now.

Taking a few years out or doing part time when DC are young and need us ,all usual caveats accepted won't impact someone's life that much. It's not giving up work good many people can drop their hours.

People can create a balance and give their own children a break from institutions and either keep their hand in or take time out for the critical years.

Childminder can be easier for some children than nursery as it’s a more home like environment.

@Thepeopleversuswork I haven't shamed anyone. The OP started a thread asking for people's opinions. I gave her mine.

The OP is clear in that her work doesn't benefit anyone but herself. She recognises it has a negative effect on her young children and yet at no point has discussed any feelings of shame either...
So...

Because what ‘putting children first’ actually looks like depends very much on whom you ask.

Being a SAHM mother and/or having a SAHM doesn’t suit everyone, and it doesn’t need to. Op’s career is important to her, and what she wants and needs matters too.

@Nurseposter123 keep your job. The kids will be fine.

Going bank seems the best option by far. You're keeping your hand in and will be able to find a full time role and progress to specialist roles as and when the time is right. You're keeping career options open for if the worst was to happen whilst prioritising what your DC need right now. Early support for autistic children is so, so important. I'm guessing one will be starting school in September? That could be a really tough journey and time consuming, SEN meetings, potential shorter days, holiday club/after school club may not be viable. My DS is autistic, he's 5. He can't use holiday clubs in my area as he requires 1:1.

If you look at that objectively, it fits the definition of selfish.

I don't mind opinions. I am a paediatric oncology nurse so do feel my job benefits people, I have a caseload and I'm genuinely passionate about it and worry that giving it up will also negatively impact my children as what about my long term income/feelings - happy mum happy kids etc..

I do feel shame and selfish sometimes but it's a difficult decision.

Put your kids first. They aren’t coping and your money doesn’t make any difference to your household

Dh earns a LOT
pay for more help nanny housekeeper etc
You need your independence too

Find a better childcare solution. He earns lots of money. Pay a Nanny. Kids will not be in Nursery every day for long hours, will have time at home but still plenty of activities.

You feel passionate about ypur w9rk. Get more house help .

But if the high earner earns as much as the op says they could reduce their hours without it stopping the bills being paid.
As the op says he’d be happy for her not up work, why should she be the one to give up her career when the children have 2 parents.
Its not as if the higher earner is earning slightly more than the other parent, the op was clearly said he earns “a lot”

Quit.
If it helps you feel better take the time to do an online course or degree in the evenings so that you’ll be ready and able to return when the time comes.

Other options: reduce hours so fewer shorter days, take a year’s sabbatical, buy back annual leave to get more time off with them, go freelance and just work a couple of days a week or mornings only?
in your shoes I would quit though and I have studied for years for my career, as they are only little once. I work part time and only because Noone else is supporting us! And I now regret not taking an extra year mat leave and living on universal credit until he was two (he’s three now) as he got zero benefit from nursery under age two and lots of horrible illnesses (and my nursery bills were so high before the funding came in even part time!)

The difference between having a nanny arriving at your home and heading to work from your own house vs getting the kids out and to nursery is huge. Also in the evenings you’d arrive and be ready to spend time with them at home rather than having to travel back with tired / hungry kids.

having a nanny for school age kids opens up play dates rather than just wrap around care or activity clubs.

id consider a nanny for 6m and see if it improves things. Maybe couple it with part time working if an option - even 1 day a week less could be a huge difference.

And what about dad then? Or does he get off?