AIBU to keep working when the children may need me more?

[Nurseposter123]

I have 2 DS and the oldest is about to start school.

We are very lucky in that husband earns a lot of money (a LOT) I earn £35,000 a year but have never wanted to be a SAHM and want to keep my career going in case of anything bad happening and to retain some level of independence. I feel strongly about this as a woman.

My children are not thriving with this. They are in nursery Monday to Thursday 8-5:30. My husband works longggggg hours so I am doing all drops and pick ups and bedtime, chores. We could easily afford for me to not work (infact with two in nursery we're paying for me to work currently as not entitled to any childcare quite rightly)

My youngest in particular is sensitive and suspected ASD of some kind and I am starting to feel my career is selfish and not benefitting anyone. The crying at drop offs etc. What would you do?

YABU - Dont quit, other options
YANBU - Quit and put your kids first.

Would you be happy to be at home? Sometimes I feel selfish as I work. My husband has vetoed me staying at home as I get sad. Would your life be filled with joy or would you find it really tough if you were at home?

I haven’t read all the responses but I have seen your posts OP. The responses about your husband reducing hours are just unrealistic. Love a bit of feminism, but back in the real world…

OP, you are lucky not just cos your rich husband but also your career choice is easy to take a career break and then rejoin in a few years. I know jobs aren’t guaranteed (some areas of nursing are pretty full at the moment) but I think you are much better placed that many women taking a career break. A nursing career is very long and takes a lot out of you. I think it’s a total no brainer to step back a few years whilst your kids are nursery age and go back when they are at school

Giving up work entirely is the nuclear option.

It shouldn’t be the only option. I find your DHs attitude really offputting. Why the hell would he pay you an allowance? Surely your finances are shared and you each get the same amount of spending money? If this is not the case then definitely do not give up work. And focus on changing this first. He should also be looking at flexible options and pulling his weight more. If the sole reason for you to consider changing your work arrangements is to prioritise the kids, then this also needs to be his chief consideration. Not money. He should not be expecting things from you that he is not willing to do himself.

I think you should go part time, minimum 3 days and he needs to be the active parent on your work days by covering either pick up and drop off or working school hours.

The solution to a family problem is to change how the family functions, not to just change the life of one person

The American model is there because people don’t have a social safety net and need to work to pay for healthcare, save for children college fees and old age etc. It’s going that way here too.

If you want to work and I get why - then look at cm esp if starting school as what /how will you do pick up at 3pm instead of the 6ish nursery finish

cm or nanny. Obv cm cheaper

If you can afford it get a nanny.

The OP’s work clearly benefits people other than herself - she works in paediatric oncology!!!

I understand your dilemma, OP.

I’m a doctor (registrar) married to a doctor (consultant). So, my husband earns a lot more than me, though not nearly as much as your husband, and I suppose my earning potential is pretty similar to his in the long term. We have three children aged 6, 4 and 2. Eldest is in year one at school and younger two at nursery.

We have really struggled to get a balance that feels right between work and family life. Before the children were born, I presumed I’d press on in my career - it’s such a big part of who I am - and use whatever childcare needed to make this work. I was, probably naively, taken by surprise to find that I didn’t want to do this. If anything, it’s actually got harder as time has gone by as my eldest seems to need a parent around more now than she did as a toddler. She wouldn’t do well in full time wraparound care, though I know some children are totally fine.

My husband does as many school and nursery runs as possible and is a brilliant dad and partner, but it simply wouldn’t work financially for him to massively reduce hours. These threads always suggest it, and I understand the principle, but the whole family benefits from having one really good salary.

I have ended up having to go backwards and change my specialty as I couldn’t find a way to make my old job work in a way that suited everyone. I also find that working three days feels like enough time to maintain some semblance of a career, whilst being around as much as possible for my children. I still feel guilt about not being there more, though, and guilt about letting myself and feminism down by being the one to take a career hit.

In your position, given that you clearly love your job and it sounds like a possible specialist/CNS type role that would be hard to return to, I’d consider getting a nanny or nanny housekeeper in the first instance. This might help with the problems you describe with your youngest. I also wonder whether dropping a day or reducing the length of your working day would be possible? I’d try these options before quitting! Though, ultimately, if the children are really struggling I think I would end up stopping work and maybe doing a bit of bank alongside an additional qualification with a view to returning to a similar role in a few years.

No one puts their kids in childcare at three months nowadays.

We’re told we can have it all but we really can’t.

I am in the same position and I chose my kids.

Keep your job. A job you love doing is a rare thing indeed.

Your job is very important. I’d employ a nanny so the children can be at home.

The obvious solution seems to be getting a nanny - why is op not responding to this suggestion?!
Or look around for more suitable childcare - a forest school style setting, for example.

Husband gets a nanny.
Your children don’t have to be in nursery on that income.

My youngest is a sensitive soul and thrived with a childminder instead of a nursery.
In your shoes perhaps changing the nursery setting to a smaller, calmer one may help?
You sound like you really enjoy your job, whilst children should come first if you’re going to miserable staying home then I think looking at a better balance might be more beneficial.
Can you work less days and still keep up to date with your training etc
My MIL was a paediatric sister on the ward, when my DH and his siblings were small she worked nights, 3 nights a week and their Dad was home from work or if he was away her Sister/MIL would stay.
Once they were all in school she switched back to days, it was a job she loved, I’m not sure she needed to work but it was her vocation and she had trained really hard to get there.

Sorry I didn't make it clear. I meant that the work she does doesn't benefit anyone in her family. Not her husband or children. In fact the OP admits it actually costs the family money for her to go to work.

I don’t know why suggesting the DH does a couple of nursery runs a week or even drops a day is so crazy but the OP dropping her whole specialist career isn’t.
this DH might be earning much more than 175k but if he was one day for that salary is equal to the OPs whole salary so even based on just numbers it’s the same.
Among people I know if one person is a high earner and the other a nurse then the high earner still does a couple of days picking up from childcare when the pt nurse works a long shift.

You do a very important and useful job, for which you've trained hard! Don't give it up because of some temporary issues over childcare drop off.

I would be ok, I have a type A personality so I'd probably end up hyper organised, PTA (ha), getting back into my running, home cooked meals. I would absolutely fill the time but I get a lot of self worth from my work.

I also personally feel that I am more than my children. I am a competent woman who enjoys her job and using my brain. I would end up resentful potentially.

The poll here is interesting and shows how different we all are.

Good mental health is also very important to be a good mother. Maybe find someone to pick them up and take home earlier - a part time Nanny?

I went back to work full time, but I am lucky that I have always been home based and with flexibility. You need to find a balance that works for you all and I would hope your managers value you enough to support you going part time so you can find that balance. I think your kids seeing you work is a positive role model and you might find they still cried at drop off even if you were a stay at home mum. You need to find hours that give you more time with them, but also allow you to keep your role in some capacity as they are only little once you don’t want to have regrets either way. I hope your managers help you find a balance that works for you all. As others have said definitely outsource some of the other activities that would make your life easier too.

Sounds like it’s the nursery childcare setting that insight for your child.
id find a childminder of nanny instead that will give him the calmer time he prefers.

I can’t answer the poll as I can see why you’re torn. I’ve been the exact same (bar the wealthy husband 😂). Also a nurse so I understand your passion. But also get why your form re the children.and also wanting to maintain your independence. Is part time an option? Drop a day? Maybe get a balance for them and you. Is your role mon-fri? Any chance of wfh options?
For what it’s worth you sound a lovely mum. Don’t beat yourself up.

I think a lot of tiny kids find the all day nursery too much for them. Introverts exist at all ages

This. As someone who works in afterschool club, there are lots of kids, often with not a lot of space and it gets noisy!

What is your response to the nanny solution? That seems to cover both your and your DC's wellbeing.