AIBU to keep working when the children may need me more?

[Nurseposter123]

I have 2 DS and the oldest is about to start school.

We are very lucky in that husband earns a lot of money (a LOT) I earn £35,000 a year but have never wanted to be a SAHM and want to keep my career going in case of anything bad happening and to retain some level of independence. I feel strongly about this as a woman.

My children are not thriving with this. They are in nursery Monday to Thursday 8-5:30. My husband works longggggg hours so I am doing all drops and pick ups and bedtime, chores. We could easily afford for me to not work (infact with two in nursery we're paying for me to work currently as not entitled to any childcare quite rightly)

My youngest in particular is sensitive and suspected ASD of some kind and I am starting to feel my career is selfish and not benefitting anyone. The crying at drop offs etc. What would you do?

YABU - Dont quit, other options
YANBU - Quit and put your kids first.

Could you get weekend shifts? A friend effectively had the weekdays at home with her dc, and the weekend at work. Her husband had his own children while she was at work.

You really need to work together to decide how to make sure that your dc don’t miss out. It isn’t all on you, it’s a joint situation. Do not allow your job to be seen as optional. Your job is worthwhile and important. It isn’t ’pin money’, it isn’t something he lets you do so you don’t get bored. The dc are not only your responsibility, but his as well. He has to help find the solution.

Otherwise before you know it, he’s the provider, decision maker and boss and you’re the unpaid nanny/housekeeper.

If you have this much money, why don’t you hire a nanny-housekeeper?

This is a good idea

You'll find that the DH - the one who is doing very little parenting at all - also chose to have children.

In Denmark I think the most sought after jobs are those which enable a good quality of life. It’s not just about the money or being rich- both parents need to be fulfilled. I’m a bit surprised that your DH is happy to do so little especially since the kids are so small. Surely he could drop off on Monday and pick up on Friday or something? I think even the PM did this!

If you give up your job you’ll have the worst of both worlds- you’d be giving up a career you love, and he’s stuck in a job he doesn’t. It would be madness.

Put your kids first! You are so lucky to be in a position to do so!

I do understand this argument but the problem is, it’s two jobs: caring and providing. And it does stand to reason that if one person is doing the majority of the care, the other person needs to provide.

I do agree that women get the ‘have you considered going part time’ spiel that men don’t but it’s pointless pretending that the one who is earning the money can dedicate the same amount of care as the one who doesn’t.

Could you get a childminder instead?Or reduce your hours for 6 months or so to see if it helps?

Nursing gives you a lot better options than many other careers. I would look into going part time.

Before you do this you will need to agree with your DH that your pension arrangements will not be compromised so that you and he have equitable financial security. This may mean your pension being topped up from the family pot.

Working makes you happy.

And you are already doing the lion's share of the childcare.

So what do you children need to be happy? What about nursery doesn't suit? Long days? Too busy/noisy? Are they still adjusting? A different nursery? A full-time nanny/childminder? A part-time one?

Can he not reduce his hours?

DH wfhs 2/3 days a week which facilitates me working p/t.

When I went back to work it also meant childcare was more than my salary but long term if was the right decision.

Have you explored flexible working?

I must admit when I did a specialist nurse role the slightest of Monday to Friday nearly killed me.

I'm back on shifts and its far easier

But my circumstances are different

1. Try to reduce your hours. But go with a plan, who will cover your hours?

1. Nanny to reduce stress and do drop off and pick ups?

It’s a tricky one. Part time work would be ideal. Maybe a temporary more generalist role possibly in private sector for a while!

However on no account cut back in any way if your marriage isn’t rock solid and if you haven’t had the hard conversations with your husband. Make sure he acknowledges any career sacrifice you may make and that he accepts the need to equalise your financial positions. Eg he should be making pension contributions for you, you should have equal access to all family money etc. He should recognise that you are already carrying the childcare load with pick ups etc.

So many otherwise sensible people don’t - so forgive me for asking - but I’m assuming that on having children you both took out life insurance and made wills?

Sorry if this has been suggested already, but can you get a nanny and drop some of the nursery if money isn't an issue? More time at home for your children.

If you become an SAHM, what about your pension payments, OP? Or having your own spending money. You might want to have your partner to give you money to contribute to that as well as give you an allowance. Calculate your labour because child rearing is labour!

I know people always say stay home with children, but in the off chance that you and your partner split, you need to know that you're protected.

If your partner is that well off, can you get a child minder or something?

I'm sure the whole family benefit from the bills being paid by the higher earner.

Loved how MN always delivers a bunch of posters who ignore the finances delivered by the higher earner and insist he (and it's always he, as a female higher earner is treated differently on MN) is also unloading the dishwasher as often or some such nonsense.

This is not about the money.

It is about whether you have to sacrifice something that is a big part of your identity and fulfillment.

You don't. You can make it work. Throw money at the problem, get a nanny, get whatever help you need to make the time you have with your dc be as good as possible, while outsourcing the lower quality time.

Your wellbeing and happiness matters too. You are a person, not just a mother.

I did go part time but my dh applied for flexible working too. Whilst I earned less money my job was no less important to me and I work in healthcare so it is vocational to me too. We both chose to have a family so practically looked at how we could achieve a balance that works for us financially because let's face it the mortgage, bills etc do need to be paid but also considered the impact on our children and ourselves.That way I was able to keep a hand in the early years before they started school. Now my youngest is about to start school and I am now a locum allowing me to work around dh.

Falling into the trap of thinking his job is more important than yours is never a good idea. If he can apply for flexible working he should as currently he's the parents who is around less, not you. I'd say sit down together and work through your finances and what you actually want for your family. You haven't said what industry he is in and whether flexible working, reducing hours is even possible for him but I agree with other posters that it isn't necessarily yourself who should be making all the changes.

You don't actually say other than "The crying at drop offs etc." what the problem is?

If nursery are telling you that they're inconsolable, never settling or similar - then yes I'd consider other options. Part time? Working weekends instead of during the week? If not, then no I don't think crying at drop off is anything to worry about.

I had two in nursery until school btw, they're in college now, so I'm saying the above with the benefit of having lived it!

What about a home help? Maybe a student or senior school kid who lives nearby and would both welcome some pocket money and is responsible enough to be good with kids. They could do school pick ups a couple of days or even just be there to play with kids and help with homework for an hour or two.

I’ve known great success stories from this. One acquaintance’s three young sons benefited greatly from their adopted big sister neighbour and were disappointed when it was mum or dad dong pickup instead.

Or an older lady - granny type.

I did three days when DC were young. Could you reduce to that? I still had some crying occasionally to deal with - but so did my DM with my DB when he started school and she was a SAHM then.

These threads 🙄

I mean yes, get a nanny, get a housekeeper, get a childminder, get a cleaner, get a gardener, get a cook, a chauffeur and a bloody butler if you want.

The children want to be with their own parent(s)!

It's more than that with my youngest who loves quiet and the outdoors and general calm which nursery is not. The constant hurrying out the door and nursery environment when he doesn't have to be there makes me feel selfish.

I have been on Mumsnet long enough to realise this is a first world problem and I'm so lucky to have even the option, but I do love my job and whilst others have said my husband should go part time that's just unheard of in his role and he travels to America a lot etc so that simply wouldn't work. He is very hands on when here, he just can't be all the time.

Yes I worry I'll look back and wonder why I didn't spend more time with them when I could have done my job (although it's more complex than that)