AIBU to keep working when the children may need me more?

[Nurseposter123]

I have 2 DS and the oldest is about to start school.

We are very lucky in that husband earns a lot of money (a LOT) I earn £35,000 a year but have never wanted to be a SAHM and want to keep my career going in case of anything bad happening and to retain some level of independence. I feel strongly about this as a woman.

My children are not thriving with this. They are in nursery Monday to Thursday 8-5:30. My husband works longggggg hours so I am doing all drops and pick ups and bedtime, chores. We could easily afford for me to not work (infact with two in nursery we're paying for me to work currently as not entitled to any childcare quite rightly)

My youngest in particular is sensitive and suspected ASD of some kind and I am starting to feel my career is selfish and not benefitting anyone. The crying at drop offs etc. What would you do?

YABU - Dont quit, other options
YANBU - Quit and put your kids first.

Hardly horrible and outdated to prioritise your kids.

I gave up my working life for our youngest who is disabled, I would seriously reccomend to NOT give up your job.

Things you can do, look for a better suited nursery, different forms of childcare, childminder, nanny share or specialist settings in LA nursery/portage.

Both you AND your husband looking at changing/reducing hours.

Whatever you try, do not give your job up.

Women/mothers can no longer afford to do this to their own detriment and op has money to make sure she doesn't have to sacrifice her earning power and financial independance completely.

I understand your position. So long as your husband appreciates your contribution …

Sounds like it may well be a case of you stepping sideways - part time for a bit. Sounds like it will entail career sacrifice on your part - he needs to see that.

I think a lot of tiny kids find the all day nursery too much for them. Introverts exist at all ages! I had one who liked hustle and bustle and to hear drums and screaming all day and thrived on it. The other needed peace from babyhood. We had to make other arrangements - part time nursery, part time shared nanny, part time with mum who changed jobs to be able to have a day off every week. But I kept my hand in as I knew I always wanted to work. Kids are expensive - particularly now that the state offering in terms of education, medical and dental often needs supplemented privately.

It is more complex than that, and to be honest I only partly think it’s a ‘will I look back and …’ thing. Not everyone is well suited to being a stay at home parent to preschoolers, and when I say ‘stay at home’ I mean part time as well I guess. I certainly didn’t love my days off with toddler ds, and I don’t always massively love them with dd but I endured them because I do think that’s what’s best for them. (Sorry if that sounds a bit wanky but it is how I honestly feel.)

Poverty is the real cause of societal ill and I would always advocate for any parent trying to avoid that but that doesn’t seem to be the case for you.

It isn’t a clear cut decision but my personal opinion would be to reduce to three days if possible.

Its really not. Children thrive best with a parent at home really. Its such a shame often they rarely have it these days

Keep working but consider dropping a day or cut down your hours so you don't get burned out.

It's important for children to see both parents role model working. You will get bored being a SAHM.

Wow. I thought we had grown out of shaming women for their lifestyle choices.

This is too simplistic. It depends on the home, for one! And I think there are a lot of positives to nursery, but there is a middle ground to be had here. It doesn’t have to be stay at home mum vs full time working mum in the majority of cases.

If someone doesn't prioritise your DC with possible autism then both of you will be dealing with carnage in a year or two.

I still work part time with a 17yr old as things ended up in such a mess.

But giving up her job might mean that she won’t have the independence to leave the relationship or indeed to support the family if her DH is ill, has mental health issues or gets made redundant.

You only need to look at the relationships board on here to see how badly things can go wrong when a family is stuck in an abusive household because the non-abusive parent doesn’t have the money to leave. It’s absolutely not selfish in my view to ensure that my kids will always have a roof over their heads, never see their mother get abused or never end up in a shitty emergency b&b because l’ve given up my job.

No its not.

Sometimes the kids need to come first and we need to put our own wants on the back burner.

Its that fucking simple.

This is our situ too (not exactly, but similar) it’s really not as simple as saying ‘he should cut his hours’ . Their mortgage is probs dependent on his salary. You can’t just change your whole lifestyle quickly, but you can change her job quickly. It’s making a long term plan that is important.

I am in a similar position a bit further ahead - kids all at primary school and one at high school. Dh earns a lot and I have a clinical profession I don’t want to give up. I work two days a week. It works for us as a family. The days I work they have a long day of breakfast club, school, after school club then sports clubs but as it is only two days a week it is doable. The rest of the week I can walk them to school, pick them up, give them a good dinner etc.
I keep my hand in my profession and have a self of self beyond being a mother. Now they are out of nursery the costs aren’t as high so I do feel like I am contributing g a little bit to the pot. Lucky that although dh works long hours his job is more flexible than mine as he works for himself. I am glad that I have kept it up as I am starting to see that they need me a little bit less in the high school years and I would be bored if I had no work at all. As it is I am very busy with the kids, house, dog, gym on my days off. I don’t actually intend to increase my hours as they get older as I won’t be all that far off retirement when they stop needing me but you never know.

Could you look for an alternative nursery provider? Something like forest nursery, or even a childminder so there would be fewer other kids around?

I really struggle not working.
I have to work for my MH.
Its simply not an option for me to not work.

However, if your kids are struggling then they do need to be put first.

I would firstly try a nanny - a caregiver that they can become close to and feel safe with.

If that doesn’t work then either you or DH need to reduce your hours and go PT for a while.

People who say you are selfish are ignoring the fact that children grow up and have other needs that often need met through money!

eg speech therapy, dentistry, orthodontics, opthamology private medicine, private physiotherapy, private mental health support, tutoring, cultural enrichment etc

The state offers some of these things, yes, but there’s no denying that it falls down on many.

Indeed

He'd pay you an income??
Do you not share finances, with such a discrepancy in earnings?

Its really not. Children thrive best with a parent at home really. Its such a shame often they rarely have it these days

I actually don’t think this is true anymore. Quite apart from the fact that I barely know anyone where one parent has given up work completely (because no one can afford it) IME the happiest families with the kids doing well are the ones where the Dad is actively involved and plays an equal role in parenting. Especially for boys.

Of course the kids come first but its not as black and white as saying “working mum = bad, SAHM = good”. There’s so much more nuance to it than this.

I understand how hard this is, and the reality is that many parents, usually mums, of disabled children give up their work.

I was in your exact situation ten years ago (plus two older children.) DS required a specialist speech and language placement at a school half a hour from my 3 girls’ school with no before or after school provision. I loved my job, had always worked and it simply wasn’t an option for me to stop completely. I am incredibly glad I did not give up work, maintained and progressed in my career which I’ve done part-time ever since.

The things that worked for me was working 20 hours flexibly in school hours so I was about for them after school, did all school runs. Then I went freelance which meant oI could take school holidays off too (he couldn’t manage holiday clubs.) On top of that, we employed a housekeeper for two days a week so I wasn’t worrying about household chores as well. And DH, however busy and important his job got, was there as much as possible to pick up the slack. Not the teatimes or school runs, but every EHCP review, every meeting, every hospital test and treatment. And my parents were incredibly supportive too. Basically, a huge amount of effort and energy were thrown at the issue and I think we pulled it off.

It’s not selfish to want a life outside the home and, working together as a family, it’s not easy but perfectly doable. Good luck!

FGS! Keep your job and maintain your dignity. Your DH can change his working hours if he wants everyone’s lives to improve.

What a dilemma. I am all for prioritising your kids above money , etc. but you seem to indicate that your role is a high level specialised role and seems to be almost a vocational calling for you . I would be loathe to give up a career like that . Unless you can reduce your days .
So look at it as nursery isn't really working for you . Consider other childcare options then . Daily childminder or nanny , live in nanny seem best . So no rush in morning to help your older child . Thus is immensely doable as you seem to have the financial resources to facilitate this . Doesnt matter if your wages don't cover it , it's about you keeping up your career .

Ridiculous suggestion ignoring the fact that he is funding their bills. Kids also benefit from the roof over their head etc! Financial security is a huge benefit for that family and the husband's job provides this.