AIBU to keep working when the children may need me more?

[Nurseposter123]

I have 2 DS and the oldest is about to start school.

We are very lucky in that husband earns a lot of money (a LOT) I earn £35,000 a year but have never wanted to be a SAHM and want to keep my career going in case of anything bad happening and to retain some level of independence. I feel strongly about this as a woman.

My children are not thriving with this. They are in nursery Monday to Thursday 8-5:30. My husband works longggggg hours so I am doing all drops and pick ups and bedtime, chores. We could easily afford for me to not work (infact with two in nursery we're paying for me to work currently as not entitled to any childcare quite rightly)

My youngest in particular is sensitive and suspected ASD of some kind and I am starting to feel my career is selfish and not benefitting anyone. The crying at drop offs etc. What would you do?

YABU - Dont quit, other options
YANBU - Quit and put your kids first.

Part time - ive always worked 3 days a week (2 young children) and I feel it'd the sweet spot.

@Nurseposter123i wouldn’t quit, but if i was in your situation i would reduce my core hours, and then pick up additional bank sessions on your own terms giving you more flexibility. I’m not a nurse but I work in a related field and I work 3 days a week and also pick up some bank sessions during term time when I want to and when it fits in around other things I’m doing like projects on the house. I also make use of my parental leave and usually take up to 6 weeks off unpaid in the summer holidays. It works really well for me and I feel like I’ve got a good balance

Don’t make a decision that you know will make you unhappy based on what other people think you ‘should’ do, or what they think ‘should’ make you happy. Selfishness isn’t some inherently negative trait, and doing what works for you as an individual absolutely should factor into any considerations here. You aren’t ’just’ a mother, you’re a human being in your own right, with your own needs and wants.

Work is an important part of your identity, and it isn’t something you should feel forced to give up. Having an unhappy SAHM who doesn’t want to be a SAHM will also impact your children. It will impact your whole family.

FWIW my parents both worked full time, and this benefited my brother and I not just in our childhoods, but into our adulthoods too. I don’t believe that having a SAHP is better.

Please don't give up working. Just from reading your posts its obvious to me that your job is very important to you and how you feel about yourself and you have my full respect for that. Loving a job that gives you fulfilment does not mean you think less of your children or that you love them less than a parent who stays home. Go part time, look at various child care options but most important do what is right for you because a parent who is at home silently regretting that decision and slowly becoming resentful while their mental health and self esteem suffers is not good for any child. I'm in my 50's and my mother always worked, she was a wonderful mother who adored her children but knew she needed to work, thankfully my father knew her well enough to realise it was best for the family if she continued to do so and after my youngest sibling was born in the late 70's she returned to work after 4 months and my father took a year off to be a stay at home parent which was very unusual. My parents paid childcare over the years to a grandaunt, an aunt and a cousin who all lived within a few minutes drive so it meant extra money into those households too but most importantly it meant my mother was happy when with us and not wishing she was elsewhere, she had the self awareness to know this was important for her and we discussed it when I had my dc and decided to return to work which thankfully by then was not frowned upon as it once was.

Kids first.

You get ten years of them being little.

Always kids first.

If I was in your spot OP, I would reduce my days at work or pause work for two years and reassess.

As it sounds affordable, I would also hire a nanny part-time to mainly help in the morning.

Why did you have children? Genuine question

Why outdated?

The OP concedes that her children aren’t thriving under the current circumstances. She also acknowledges that their family finances would be impacted if her husband were to work shorter hours.

It sounds like common sense to take some time out until her youngest goes to school. It doesn’t necessarily mean she gives up work completely, but if something has to give, it should probably be her hours, rather than her husband’s, for purely practical reasons.

The fact that you’re thinking of an exit plan so firmly is concerning.

you’re a mother now, your kids need you. Sacrifices hand to me made. I bakery work. Can’t really shocked for me to work low end and part time, but we make it work. Why there only tiny once they need me.

I would cut down my hours, even one less shift would make all the difference.

I think in this situation a nanny and cleaner would be good. If you could come home at 5/5.30 tk find a cleaner house and your children settled at home / fed / watered etc you could devote your evenings to quality time wih them. They would get personalised childcare / 1:1 time which would be better than a nursery setting

I wouldn’t quit. You’re a person too.
Get a nanny, work so you’re in a good position (band 6) to go part time later. Or better still, get your husband to do all drop offs and you do earlies.
DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR CAREER. Men cheat.

This is a horrible idea.

If OP worked weekends it sounds like she wouldn't see her partner at all, or spend any time as a family. Sacrificing that time together for no financial benefit simply to prove a point is a pretty quick way to sabotage a relationship. I know people who make this work but it's out of absolute necessity and not what they would choose if they had other options.

OP, get a nanny. I wouldn't want to give up my job either but if your young children are unhappy and you can do something about it why on earth wouldn't you?

Because I've always loved children and adore being a mother and have a loving husband who when present is amazing and plenty of funds to raise them.

I am just finding the balance with very young children and a career harder than anticipated and acknowledge my children's needs so wanted opinions on this from other mums.

It’s not beneath mumsnetters at all. It puts so many women in a poor situation, it changes the dynamics of the relationship in a way that often puts it at risk, leaving the non-earning party in a difficult situation.

Having children isn’t always about sacrificing yourself and your life for them. It can be, and sometimes that can work out, but in too many cases it doesn’t, not for the mother anyway.

Can you not go part time for a few years? Keep your hand in but if you went for a job share, you could have the children in nursery 2 days per week and have the rest of the time with them. Hard sell to your boss but they’d probably prefer it to losing you, babies get more Mummy time. And when you need / want to scale up your hours, the job is still there for you

Is it possible to reduce to 2 or 3 days a week for a couple of years? Then the children will still be at home for the majority of their time and only having long nursery days 2-3 times?
And you will be keeping your oar in for your career- which sounds very meaningful and important work, so I understand why you don’t want to just quit! (also as a divorced person completely agree about security)

Otherwise, a nanny does seem like the obvious solution.

If you don’t want to drop your hours and money isn’t an issue, what about trying a nanny ? More consistent and when your children start school they will just be able to come home and relax.

Looking at the longer term - what is your plan when they start school? Will you be relying on wraparound care and holiday clubs? I think it can be harder in some ways once they are in school as the transitions increase. At least at nursery they are in one place with one set of carers each day.

For children in full time daycare I would just say make sure you are giving them breaks. They get tired just as we do in work and children do in school. It is busy and very structured and children have little autonomy on how they spend their day which they may find harder as they get older.

It is hard to find a solution that suits you all but I’d be tempted to try to get earlier finishes so when they do go to school you will be able to pick them up and do the evening routine with them.

Your poor kids. They didn’t ask to be born. They just want to be with their parents when they are small. I would give up work until they are both full time in school - it will go so quickly.

i don’t know why you had them if neither of you are really present for most of their days.

Sorry, but I think it is selfish.

Nooo! dont give up work. A sane mum is as important as a present mum.

I stayed at home (i would've found it hard to leave my pfb)
But I also found being a sahm really demoralising and devastating for my self esteem ultimately. My children probably did benefit but I'm not sure i did. Luckily when my youngest was 6 I went back to part time work and thrived and the youngest was much more independent than the ones for whom I was present all the time.

I dont believe any situation is perfect for all parties and my dh worked 7 days so I didn't feel I had a choice. I would encourage anyone who asked my opinion to keep working in some way, even if you end up, like you are temporarily, paying for the privilege.

How many parents can afford to stay at home nowadays? Also why shouldn't OP be more than a mother? Give up with this guilt tripping clap trap.

A little. I carry a caseload of patients who are often seen 2/3 times a week and to be honest it's a huge part of identity. I'm unsure how I could do a good job 2 or 3 days a week. Even on my day off with the kids on Friday I check my messages and monitor progress. Reading lots of these messages makes me realise I probably need to remember it's just a job.

Ultimately it is a choice between being the best nurse possible but knowing your kids aren’t thriving (your own words) vs being a less good nurse but knowing your kids are happier.

I wish there wasn’t this choice to make. It frustrates the hell out of me that most men never have to make this choice - they can give 100% to work knowing their kids are with a loving parent who has compromised her career around the kids.

The only way out of this choice really is to have the high paid career yourself and have kids with someone who is happy to take the primary parent role. Or someone who earns equally and is (genuinely) willing to share the domestic role 50/50.

One thought. Your kids are at a transition point - your eldest is soon to start school and your younger one presumably isn’t too far behind. You may find things look quite different once they are a bit older in school (at least once past the first term or two which can be tough). Could you reduce hours now with a view to picking back up in 2/3 years? That way it doesn’t seem like such a huge forever choice.

Get something part-time. And maybe get a cleaner. I dont think I would give up work altogether. Too isolating amd boring.