AIBU to keep working when the children may need me more?

[Nurseposter123]

I have 2 DS and the oldest is about to start school.

We are very lucky in that husband earns a lot of money (a LOT) I earn £35,000 a year but have never wanted to be a SAHM and want to keep my career going in case of anything bad happening and to retain some level of independence. I feel strongly about this as a woman.

My children are not thriving with this. They are in nursery Monday to Thursday 8-5:30. My husband works longggggg hours so I am doing all drops and pick ups and bedtime, chores. We could easily afford for me to not work (infact with two in nursery we're paying for me to work currently as not entitled to any childcare quite rightly)

My youngest in particular is sensitive and suspected ASD of some kind and I am starting to feel my career is selfish and not benefitting anyone. The crying at drop offs etc. What would you do?

YABU - Dont quit, other options
YANBU - Quit and put your kids first.

Absolutely do not give up completely. If you must, try to go part time. I understand how you feel and went through similar but it was so hard to get back to where I was, I really wouldn’t recommend quitting completely! What about becoming a school nurse or similar?

It's an option but I am concerned at finding one person. I always feel more reassured by nursery and the assurance re care and also feel the peer contact is good for them.

It may sound strange but someone in my house more than me all day who I don't know (although would get to) would feel like a replacement me.

Sorry that sounds strange I know. I can't put my finger on it..

I don't understand why you couldn't go very part time and get the best of both worlds?
As a specialist nurse your role could surely be tailored to fit any hours? I know plenty of CNSs who work part time, some short days and others two or three days a week.

I went to two days a week. Enough to keep up to date and be in a position to increase my hours whenever I wanted. Equally I was able to be at home the majority of the time. I have zero regrets about it.
It turns out that there isn't a sudden cut off at five years old when you aren't needed as much . In fact children need you just as much well into teens, just in different ways.

You could try for a happy medium and drop some work hours -go more part time and reduce their time in nursery.
or you could get a nanny that comes to your home, your children may thrive with 1:1 care
after my second child I dropped down to 2-3 days a week to spend more time with my sons.
after my third I’ve decided to stop work for a couple of years, they need me now while they’re small !

Haven’t read the whole thread, but my advice is to never put yourself in a position where you are totally reliant on someone else. It so often ends badly.

If he’s such a big earner hire a nanny and a housekeeper so you have plenty of time with your children without having to do daily jobs.

You are not alone to think this about having a nanny. For me it felt safer for my DC to be in nursery with more staff around and more children so things were more in the open and transparent.

Definitely the nanny option. Perhaps reducing hours to three days a week.
You can't just leave nursing for a few years and then pick up where you left off, so I don't know why that's been suggested on here.

I am the higher earner in my house. As a senior person in an organisation you often have a lot of control over your own diary and can wring flexibility out of even a full-on job. I am nearly certain your husband could do more.

DD is a teenager now, but when she was small I did two drop-offs and a pick up each week, and for a couple of years I did compressed hours so I was around on Friday. DD is a happy, thriving 16-year old and I am quite sure she wouldn't be if one of her parents had been frustrated and miserable. Your children have two parents: you can't both have everything but you need to find a compromise that means neither of you have to give up anything essential. That might mean shorter hours for one or both of you, it might mean a nanny, it might mean a change of nursery. But there is a solution that doesn't involve you giving up a career you love which I socially valuable, I promise.

Nanny seems ideal. I would.also consider a forest nursery for your youngest a couple of days a week. You say he thrives in nature and sound naturally dissipates more thsn in an enclosed space.

If you give up your career and get divorced down the line you will be at a big disadvantage as you will be expected to work.

Well of course you would. Any decent parent would. What's the most important thing OP could focus on? Raising her children of course. It's not rocket science, and yet raising one's children is seen as beneath a lot of mumsnetters. I honestly don't know why many women have children when they're such an inconvenience and a barrier to self fulfillment.

Thank you so much everyone. So many views on both sides to take into consideration. Especially reviewing my hours and whether these could reduce as well as other help.

I think it's so vital women stay in work when able.

Talk to your employer about a part time or job share arrangement. Surely they would rather have you some of the time than not at all? You have specialist skills that would be hard to replace.

I think part time is the best for both worlds. You get to keep your job, keep up with your professional development requirements and can easily increase your hours or go full time in the future. Your children get more time with you but also get socialization through nursery.

I was a SAHM for 4.5 years then part time at 0.6 FTE for about 7 years. I had no problems when searching for a full time job. I didn't even disclose that I had been working part time. I was working and got good experience in those years, that's all that mattered.

My DH too was/is a high earner but I was not cut out to be a SAHM mum forever. Make sure you get a cleaner to take some of the load off you at home, given your DH's work hours and travel.

Because only women are parents? This attitude explains why there are so many dead beat dads out there. It's all on the ' women' isn't it 🙄

But unfortunately in this day and age it's simply not that simple.

Women are not just having babies and staying home. They have careers and their children grow up and without an established career women are then without a role or pension or security.

Men leave women all the time. Relationships break down, What then?

The same scrutiny to sacrifice is not put on men.

Not to mention most women simply cannot afford to stop working.

I see your point but this is 2026 and women are smart and thinking of the bigger picture. It's an individual choice and everyone's situation is different.

If you can’t face a nanny (and personally I think you should try it at least even part time) then what about finding a different nursery? I know quite a few families where the first nursery just didn’t “click” but then they found a better one and things were fine. Maybe somewhere smaller, maybe a forest school, maybe even somewhere attached to a school which has a pre-school. Or does your hospital have childcare where you could drop him later and go in if that would help. Look at the options around you and basically hang the expense. Mine went to a proper forest school with 15 kids max where every day they were outside all afternoon in all but the most extreme weather (they did have a cabin and hot chocolate). You could take a nanny for 6 months and look for a better nursery/ get on the waiting lists during that time?

OP I love my job, I’ve always said I wouldn’t give it up if I won the lottery so I guess the same would be said if I had a rich husband. Of course I love my children (far more than my job!) and I do feel massively guilty for not spending more time with them, even though I have to work.

Every day at the moment my youngest says he doesn’t want to go to nursery as he wants to stay at home and play with mummy, and it makes me feel terrible.

BUT I know I would be a terrible SAHM. I’d genuinely hate it and I take my hat off to anyone who can manage it. I do worry I will look back and regret not spending more time with my children when they are little but equally I genuinely feel like I am a better mum for having the work part of me as well as the mum part of me.

I think I would feel differently if I was in a job that I didn’t enjoy but there is nothing wrong in making sure that your mental health is looked after to and if work helps you do that then it’s no bad thing. I think it’s hard to explain to people who don’t love their jobs/ have a deep passion for what they do.

As a compromise - and only if you wanted to - could you reduce to three days a week? Or could DH reduce hours / work from home one day so that he is around for wrap around?

Throw money at it but dont leave your job

I did sacrifice my career for a number of years. DH's career was not part-time compatible; he had actually worked 4 days per week early in our relationship for study purposes and stopped after a year as the reality was 95% workload on 80% pay. I had also worked "part time" which also felt like a full time job which meant that my hourly rate of pay wasn't so great in reality.
We were both working long hours and (then undiagnosed) DS was struggling. We were all feeling pretty burned out.

I kept my life busy with volunteering and hobbies and walked straight into the first job I applied for which was related to the voluteering I did. Financially and emotionally all went well too. The biggest long term cost is private pension. We have saved and the long term prognosis is still good. There is the offset of not having to spend on outsourcing childcare and home maintainence to survive.

The big question is can careers be maintained with part-time options to reduce the pressure/ sacrifice.

I had a parent work themself to death before retirement age when I was a child. Ultimately employees are replacable, but family isn't, and that has affected my attitude to work/ life balance. I'm not afraid to work hard, but leaving capacity to play hard (for myself and DCs) is also important to me.

Yes, @Nurseposter123 in whatever way works for you. If being a SAHM wouldn’t be something you are comfortable with then you won’t be doing your children any favours. I know for me, it wasn’t something that I’d be good at, so I kept working, but reduced my hours and found a childcare setting that really worked. For me it was an excellent nursery, for you it might be a childminder or a nanny. Don’t be guilted in to doing something that doesn’t work for you, as it also won’t work for your kids.

There's always a first! Just because it's "unheard of", it doesn't mean it's impossible. Very few men in my organisation went part time 20 years ago when my kids were born, my husband did! Now it's so much more common.

I don’t think it’s selfish of you to keep working. I gave up my job in a similar scenario, and whilst it was good for the kids, it has been tough on me.

I DO think it’s selfish of you to reject the nanny idea “because it feels like a replacement me”. First, kids know very well the difference between their mum and their nanny (unless they’ve had nanny care 24/7 since a newborn). Second, if your kids love the nanny that is a GOOD thing, that’s exactly what you want for them! Means they have mum when home, and a lovely mum replacement for X hours a day.

It feels like you are rejecting a nanny because they might like her too much- so you’d rather they stayed in nursery which they don’t love 🤔

I take your point and will have a think. I think part of it is the worry they won't be good/right and then we are stuck (nursery wait lists are long here) and also trusting someone in my home when we are out all day to look after them/drive them places etc. the risk feels bigger for harm than nursery which whilst not ideal is safe as hell in my opinion.

Nanny care offers a much higher quality degree of childcare than a nursery. Until you know what the precise issue is with OP’s children and the current nursery care, you have no way of knowing if this is ‘wants to be with a parent’ issue.

What we DO know is that OP loves her job and wants to keep working. Eyeroll at facilitators to do that all you want, I guess …

if your husband’s minted he can keep paying the nursery until you’re sure about the nanny.

(i quit my career for my kids’ benefit. I am content with that, they’re all but grown up now and it was worth it, but it’s been hard on me.)

Is there some all or nothing thinking going on OP? I’m a bit confused as to why the options are to give up your career entirely or to do 4 long days. Why not either reduce your days in your current role, or find a role you would enjoy with fewer hours, to allow you a better work/life balance (if that’s what you want). I wouldn’t quit my job for all the reasons you have mentioned, but I know plenty of people in healthcare professions working fewer than 4 days per week, so it seems short sighted to just pack it in rather than finding a middle ground.