To lose interest in seeing friends after I had kids

[lucybm]

I’m 30 with two kids (3 and 1). Before kids I had a pretty exciting social life: friends from work, school, uni, going out for dinners, drinks, all of that.

Now life is obviously very different. Most weekends we spend together as a family – parks, day trips, seeing parents, that kind of thing. It probably sounds cliché but my husband is genuinely my best friend and I really enjoy spending time with him and the kids. Of course it’s exhausting but on the whole I love it and much prefer it to my single, working life. There are weekends where one of us has plans, sometimes I’ll meet a friend for dinner or go to the theatre with my mum, or he’ll go and see friends, or have something work-related. But even when going out to, let’s say, the theatre without kids I usually prefer going with my mum or sister vs a dinner with friends.

I still have friends who suggest meeting up – brunches, dinners, birthdays etc. In theory I say yes and it sounds nice. But when the day actually comes round, I just can’t be bothered and I have FOMO about what I could be doing with family. I’d honestly rather spend that time with my family, go somewhere with the kids, or just have a relaxed day together.

I’ve been invited to a 30th this weekend and all I can think is I’ll miss bedtime, miss dinner with my family, and I don’t really want to be there chatting. I’d much rather stay home or do a day trip / overnight staycation with family. Help isn’t an issue - my mum and MIL both happily babysit (mainly for date nights with my husband), we have a nanny-housekeeper too.

I don’t feel lonely and I don’t feel like anything is missing. If anything, it feels like quite a short phase whilst the kids are little, they actually want to be with me, and I know in a few years they’ll be off doing their own thing.

But at the same time I’ve basically lost all interest in seeing friends, and I don’t know if that’s normal or if I’m becoming a bit closed off.

AIBU to just not want to socialise and prefer being with my family at this stage?

I talk about feminism & cats. Mostly.

Not to derail the thread but do you also arrange things and invite other people?

You don't have anything to lose do you?

True 😊

Yes, I have a friend I make plans with, and see regularly.

I try to make plans with the group I refer to in my original post, but I either get a vague response, and nothing happens, or we make plans, and on the day, I get a message saying that they can't make it. (I know this isn't always avoidable, as people get sick, etc. but when the same people do it more than once, it does make you wonder.

In the past, we've talked about things we have wanted to do/places we've wanted to go, and I've suggested we organise something, and asked them to let me know when they're free, and then had nothing back.

I think just do you! They are little for such a crazy short period of time and you need to do what feels right for you. If they are really close and enduring friendships they will stand the test of time, if not then no huge loss anyway.

Disagree. Kids are young for interminable eons from a friendship point of view. You need to make an effort if you value friends.

Friendships stay "close and enduring" because of mutual time and effort. Not because one person fucks the other/s off for a decade then wants to join back in when their kids don't find them interesting any more

It is your life so not unreasonable to do what you want.

Just don't expect those friends to still be there if you have a change of heart.

Chill!

Chill or not, @FrodoBiggins is quite right.

I've read so many threads where people smugly boast about how they don't need friends any more because they have "my little family". A good proportion of these people come back 10+ years later complaining that their marriage is over/dull and their friends have abandoned them and fail to join the dots.

Lose friends when you get married at your peril. Even if you're not one of the roughly 40% of people whose marriages fail, there's a high chance you will end up bored, stifled, desperately in need of external stimulation and perspective if you expect to spend the next 30 + years of your life with the same people. Neither is it good for children to never see their parents socialising or doing anything other than hanging out with each other.

When you have young kids it's tiring, you often can't be arsed and it's tempting to just stop trying. But everyone needs someone other than their husband and children. Sometimes you have to power through. You'll need those relationships later, don't squander them.

Like lots of other PPs I'd caution you against letting your friendships fail now. Inevitably that may happen with some, especially if you're at very different life stages, but I really think it's worth an incredible amount to put effort into sustaining friendships, particularly female ones. It sounds like you're on course to end up potentially very isolated and lonely.

I've got a 10 and an 8 year old, am mid-40s and honestly, while I love my family, some of my female friendships are so, so important to me and become more so as we get older and experience new life events. Despite all the shit that comes with being a woman in a man's world, female friendships are the thing that makes me really glad to be a woman.