To lose interest in seeing friends after I had kids

[lucybm]

I’m 30 with two kids (3 and 1). Before kids I had a pretty exciting social life: friends from work, school, uni, going out for dinners, drinks, all of that.

Now life is obviously very different. Most weekends we spend together as a family – parks, day trips, seeing parents, that kind of thing. It probably sounds cliché but my husband is genuinely my best friend and I really enjoy spending time with him and the kids. Of course it’s exhausting but on the whole I love it and much prefer it to my single, working life. There are weekends where one of us has plans, sometimes I’ll meet a friend for dinner or go to the theatre with my mum, or he’ll go and see friends, or have something work-related. But even when going out to, let’s say, the theatre without kids I usually prefer going with my mum or sister vs a dinner with friends.

I still have friends who suggest meeting up – brunches, dinners, birthdays etc. In theory I say yes and it sounds nice. But when the day actually comes round, I just can’t be bothered and I have FOMO about what I could be doing with family. I’d honestly rather spend that time with my family, go somewhere with the kids, or just have a relaxed day together.

I’ve been invited to a 30th this weekend and all I can think is I’ll miss bedtime, miss dinner with my family, and I don’t really want to be there chatting. I’d much rather stay home or do a day trip / overnight staycation with family. Help isn’t an issue - my mum and MIL both happily babysit (mainly for date nights with my husband), we have a nanny-housekeeper too.

I don’t feel lonely and I don’t feel like anything is missing. If anything, it feels like quite a short phase whilst the kids are little, they actually want to be with me, and I know in a few years they’ll be off doing their own thing.

But at the same time I’ve basically lost all interest in seeing friends, and I don’t know if that’s normal or if I’m becoming a bit closed off.

AIBU to just not want to socialise and prefer being with my family at this stage?

Yep. One of my former best friends missed a big birthday of our joint best mate because she went away for a weekend in UK with her "perfect little family" (booked it knowing they'd be a clash) and same friend barely checked in with me when I lost a parent. We don't see her any more, although she's tried to join back in. Fuck that.

@HealthyChoicesHard
I didn’t mean anything traumatic by it – just what I’ve observed growing up. Between my parents’ circle and my older siblings’ friends (I’m the youngest of four), I’ve seen quite a few situations where people end up betraying each other fairly easily, especially when money or personal interests are involved.

So it’s not that I’ve personally been hurt, it’s more that I’ve seen it happen around me enough times to feel a bit cynical about it.

@ItsOnlyHobnobs
Not working, I’m a SAHM!

You actually sound rather insufferable so I don’t suppose it will be a loss to these friends

Yes that was pretty obvious I think. You've become a bit institutionalised within the family unit. Are you planning on going back to work? That might help.

I think you should be very careful in defining your entire life around your husband and children and immediate family.

It might feel it fulfills you at the moment but it won’t always be like this and you might regret it.

I also feel quite sad for you that you don’t see the importance of good friendships and sharing your life with people other than those you live with. I have new and old friends. My oldest close friend has been in my life for more than 30 years. Yes I’ve had friendships break down but most are so special and so important to me.

Be careful you don’t look up one day and realise that the world of work and all your friends and your kids and maybe your husband have all moved on without you.

@Boxiboxi21
Most of my friends don’t have kids yet. I guess the friends do care about me and my life, but to an extent. Of course they won’t find a brunch where my toddler is constantly trying to spill their babyccino, can’t sit still for long, says they’re bored, where I’m getting distracted every few minutes passing a wipe etc as fun as they would if they had my full attention, of course they’d rather discuss non-child focused topics than hear about weaning (or whatever else). And that’s understandable. Equally I don’t want to give my child an iPad to watch the whole time (if I was to bring the children) so I’d rather they did interrupt me than stare at a screen for hours.

Meanwhile, if I’m honest, I’ll be mildly bored after hearing for more than 5 minutes about their annoying boss or the stress of organising a hen do. I’ll be thinking of my kids, wondering how well they’ve eaten dinner, that maybe the scooter is getting a bit small or whether we should try those new swimming lessons across the road.

I almost prefer to stay in touch by text but as soon as the suggest a meet up it feels like a chore to add to the list.

But you could leave the kids with your nanny housekeeper or your two sets of parents and go for a quick coffee with your friends so they don't have to endure your toddlers, no?

Are you for real?

"I’ll be mildly bored after hearing for more than 5 minutes about their annoying boss or the stress of organising a hen do"

Sounds like you think your life is more important than theirs so maybe you're doing everyone a favour by not going. Shame though. It's nice to have friends. Staying at home all day with your nanny and your kids might get boring after a decade and don't expect your friends to want to listen to your problems (your life will not be perfect forever. Noone's is) when you couldn't be bothered with them.

No, it's normal to want to be with your family. Some friends will try to make you act like a permanent teenager, but you shouldn't feel bad about your natural wish.

But then she'd miss out on the "family staycation" (which is assume is just hanging out at home with the same people she sees all day every day)

Sad that you think spending time with adult women is "behaving like a teenager".

Doesn’t come across like that to me. Friends without kids dont ask and about you because they think your life with a family is dull. Hearing about travelling and partying is tiresome when conversation and interest isn’t reciprocated.

IMO, YANBU to feel this way but it’s worth making an effort to keep these friendships. It’s hard to make new friends as an adult, you’ll regret it if they stop inviting you, OP.

I have a very clear (and possibly unfair) picture of the OP in my mind and it’s unpleasantly smug.

I suppose you can't help how you feel but I'm also a sahm and love the chance to skip a bedtime every so often! I don't meet up with my child free friends that often (due to distance) but when we do, there are plenty of places that are both adult and child friendly - NT properties, museums, walks, even just sitting in the garden.

To be honest, the way you're coming across the other friends are probably better off. Your life isn't superior to your friends without children just because you now have children. See them or don't see them but you can't complain when they want nothing to do with you later down the line.

This might seem harsh but I've had years of being the friend who gets ditched once someone has kids and being the one who always prioritises the friend with kids with no return on that (years because I've suffered years of infertility) and it's fucking shit!

You know, friendships aren't just for talking about yourself or your kids.
You could talk about books, music, the theatre, Artemis or this great big world rather than weaning! 🙄

You sound incredibly smug. I doubt your friends are missing you at all.

This 100% Interesting people are interested and you seem entirely self absorbed . Hopefully your husband continues to find this attractive but I know I wouldn't if my husband had no interest in anyone outside our immediate family and no life outside us. I'd find it too co dependent and a bit of a turn off but thats me I suppose.

It’s normal to want to spend most of your time with your family. The kids are so young and need you both.

You don’t indicate any curiosity about how your friends are doing though. What if one of them is going through a break up or bad time at work?

I think friends are so important in life and there are ways to maintain it however busy you are. You can still meet for coffees and say that you’ll be more available for weekends/nights out when the kids are a bit older.

I have always felt this way but I have also gone to the events and usually had a good time! My children are now 6 and 4 and I think if I hadn’t I wouldn’t really have many friends left now. I have a 5 month old now too but dh is more than capable to look after the 3 when I see my friends .

@FrodoBiggins
family staycation as in going to Legoland for a night, getting a cottage in Cotswolds etc. Like a mini holiday. But not very doable if we’ve got a Saturday morning brunch!

I don’t get this attitude at all sorry OP. I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old whom I love to bits and spend alot of time with. But I love seeing my friends without kids and I love doing non kid things. Honestly who wants to talk about weaning all day long? I don't even want to talk about weaning with my Mum friends.
Long lasting female friendships are one of the most sustaining things in life.

I'm completely the same op