To lose interest in seeing friends after I had kids

[lucybm]

I’m 30 with two kids (3 and 1). Before kids I had a pretty exciting social life: friends from work, school, uni, going out for dinners, drinks, all of that.

Now life is obviously very different. Most weekends we spend together as a family – parks, day trips, seeing parents, that kind of thing. It probably sounds cliché but my husband is genuinely my best friend and I really enjoy spending time with him and the kids. Of course it’s exhausting but on the whole I love it and much prefer it to my single, working life. There are weekends where one of us has plans, sometimes I’ll meet a friend for dinner or go to the theatre with my mum, or he’ll go and see friends, or have something work-related. But even when going out to, let’s say, the theatre without kids I usually prefer going with my mum or sister vs a dinner with friends.

I still have friends who suggest meeting up – brunches, dinners, birthdays etc. In theory I say yes and it sounds nice. But when the day actually comes round, I just can’t be bothered and I have FOMO about what I could be doing with family. I’d honestly rather spend that time with my family, go somewhere with the kids, or just have a relaxed day together.

I’ve been invited to a 30th this weekend and all I can think is I’ll miss bedtime, miss dinner with my family, and I don’t really want to be there chatting. I’d much rather stay home or do a day trip / overnight staycation with family. Help isn’t an issue - my mum and MIL both happily babysit (mainly for date nights with my husband), we have a nanny-housekeeper too.

I don’t feel lonely and I don’t feel like anything is missing. If anything, it feels like quite a short phase whilst the kids are little, they actually want to be with me, and I know in a few years they’ll be off doing their own thing.

But at the same time I’ve basically lost all interest in seeing friends, and I don’t know if that’s normal or if I’m becoming a bit closed off.

AIBU to just not want to socialise and prefer being with my family at this stage?

Everyone will have a different experience here.

The people who have /had massive friendships and friends who are everything, then they’ll think you’re bonkers. They’ll cry “but you’ll need your friends!”. And this is true. Because life is pretty simple, idyllic and suiting you right now….it may not in 5 years. You may wish you’d kept your friends closer.

They’ll be others who will say friends are overrated, you’re happy with your life, you do you.

Im very very very old. I can’t tell you how many “friends ” I’ve had/made at various parts of my life. My social group when I first married, the mums I met through baby groups, the mums I met through my kids at school, the friends I’ve made through hobbies, my kids after school activities, various work places, friends we’ve made as a couple, friends of friends and relatives…the list is endless. I can’t, couldn’t and wouldn’t want to keep up with all of them, I’d be exhausted. At times just being a working parent or a parent and a wife was enough!!

For me the one relationship that has been the most important, has always been my husband. This won’t make me popular, but that was always (and still is) enough for me. Things change, people change, life changes, friendships do fall away, they don’t always align…that’s life. it’s impossible to think when we’re young that we won’t be besties with X anymore…or we won’t have that gang of gals in our life…or that we’ll ever lose contact with that amazingly fun and supportive colleague. It’s just life that it happens and it does happen, regardless of thinking that it never will.

if your husband, your parents, your kids etc are your priority now, so be it. Lots of people here will be screaming absolutely not. But it’s your life. If you’re happy with that, isn’t that the most important thing? Things, people, lives, friendships, relationships all change at some point.

My best friends are two of the most valuable people in my life - I'd certainly put them on a par with my husband and other family members. We've been through everything (hatches, matches and dispatches) together (best friends since primary school, now in our 40s) and I can't imagine not having them in my life.

Makes me feel sad that you can't see how valuable friends are - and how important it is not to put 'all your eggs in one basket'.

OP, it sounds like you are ideally placed (far better than many) to be able to make time for friends, but just don't want to. I think that real, proper friends, the ones you love and laugh with, the ones who get 'you', don't grow on trees and sacking them off (if that's what they are to you, I have doubts) is very shortsighted.

I was widowed young, have been a full time carer for 2nd DH for years and was very ill recently, as in near death very ill. Throughout this, all my friends were there in different ways, those at a great distance still providing emotional support by any means they could. Until you've been there, you can't fully realise how very important these people who you are in contact with because you actually like and care about each other are.

No man (or woman) is an island and all that.

I think I agree with @SecondHandEmbarressed. Humans are meant to socialise to enable them to broaden their social, cultural and intellectual selves.

Here’s one for you OP. I am mid fifties and have incurable cancer. I was forced to take ill health retirement from a low paid but thoroughly enjoyable job. Many who I thought were friends, have dropped me. My living parents are miles away, kids are young adults. My world has shrunk hugely and as a result, I’m having to work hard to create a new life for myself.

Don’t be THAT person who drops friends, just because you want to investigate kids swimming lessons etc. You never know when you might need them. Besides, being dropped, it hurts!

I can see both sides. I have ADHD so friendships and keeping up friends and extended relatives often feels like a stressor and not a moment of connection. Especially after a full week of work.

Whereas with immediate family, there is less pressure to be ‘present’ in the same way so it’s the more comfortable option.

However, I also recognise that it’s taken decades to build up friendships and cousin relationships and to throw them away because I’m introverted would be short sighted.

my sister's best friend was like this. husband had a decent job so they had a nice house and she was a sahm to her little boy and girl. had a cleaner to help with the chores and her parents locally for babysitting. she was all about her wee family and didn't want or need anyone outside of it.

then her husband had an affair with one of his colleagues. she got most of the house equity in the divorce but had to downsize. whilst her ex was well paid he wasn't elon musk so no spousal maintenance and he wanted the kids 50/50 from the start. he paid cms but he had a baby with his new gf pretty quickly which cut the amount he paid down.

while the divorce was going on her mum was diagnosed with cancer and sadly gone within 6 months. her dad couldn't cope and needed to lean on her. finances were tight and she was trying to get back into working and struggling to get a job plus worrying about childcare now that her parents weren't an option anymore. and that's when she realised that she had nobody else to turn to for help. or a shoulder to cry on when she was lonely and missing the kids when they were with her ex and seeing him playing happy families with them and his new gf and baby on social media.

i know this because she's my sister's ndn and moved into the other side of the semi where my sister lives. she's thriving now but those first couple of years were hard for her because she'd had all her eggs in one basket and never expected things to change.

but it's completely different. It's very rare to remain friends with the same person your entire life, 'betrayal' or no; that's just how life works. You're acting as though unless someone is going to be there for you from cradle to grave it's pointless putting effort into maintaining a relationship. While family relationships may last a lifetime, for many people that's out of circumstance and obligation rather than desire.

Particularly your family, who sound particularly argumentative and dramatic if between them they've managed to fall out with that many people - you clearly think they were the innocent parties in everything but if they're the common denominator.... I can honestly say I can't think of any friend me, my parents or siblings have ever felt 'betrayed' by in the dramatic ways you've described, let alone repeatedly.

Anyway, nobody is saying it is unreasonable to prefer spending time with your family, be closer with them that with friends, or even spend the majority of the time with them. If anything most people would agree that's normal.
But you have 720 hours in an average month, you really resent spending 2 or 4 of them going for a quick coffee or brunch once a fortnight? Do you really think your kids being with you for 23 hours of the day rather than 24 will be the difference in whether they 'build memories?' Your viewpoint with a lot of things just seems very dramatic and OTT.

It sounds as if you have an unusually shit circle of friends,

I don’t know what you were like pre kids but if you’re sitting at girly brunch thinking about upgrading your kids scooter then maybe you’re a bit depressed or motherhood has taken too much from you. Do you feel a lack of interest in the rest of the world? You don’t work so having some life outside the family feels important. If not friends then maybe a hobby or doing a course? You must have plenty of free time if you also have a nanny and housekeeper. What do you do when they are looking after the kids?

One my oldest friends was like you OP.

Friends since 11, lived together for years, bridesmaids at each others weddings. We had children a few years apart.

As soon as she had her 2nd she just completely lost any interest in socialising, with or without children. On the times she didn’t bail last minute, she wasn’t really present, actively saying “I didn’t really want to come”.

It took a good few years of trying to make effort, meet on her terms, her house, walks local to her, basically anything to try and see her before the friendship ended. She basically said the same as you, she wants to spend all her spare time with her family and has no time or interest for friends.

I have only got a handful of close friends, but I’m 100% closer to them than my own siblings. They know more about me, we grew up together, failed together, laughed & cried together.

I was heart broken that a 30 year old friendship was nothing to her in the end. I hope she is happy, I hope her marriage lasts and she doesn’t come to regret loosing all friends.

I may be in the minority here but I can't believe home many people are against OP. I do understand that some people like or need to be social. But some don't. And I find it really hard to understand how many people are seemingly willing to keep people in their lives incase they need help later on.

You don’t have to choose between family and friends; you can have both. It’s really important to have a range of different types of relationships in your life. It’s enriching. I hear you, it’s hard to keep up close friendships when your kids are tiny. But I remember cherishing those moments when I could escape my babies (and my husband!) for an hour or two and talk to my friends.

I can completely understand. I’m really happy for you that your home and family life is so fulfilling.

I’d just caution you to make sure that you keep your hand in with the friendships that are important to you. None of us ever know what’s round the corner and good friends are important.

I don’t think many people really care if the OP has friends or not. They are just warning her that she may need or want friends later. And it can be harder to make new ones when you get older.

Have you never seen some of the threads on here with women in their 40s/50s/60s saying they don’t have any friends and how can they make some as they are now lonely and bored? There’s been a couple of recent ones with women getting upset that their “mum friends” are disappearing when the children are getting older and they realise they lost touch with their old friends because they prioritised the mum friends.

I lost some friends when they had children. They only wanted to spend time with other mothers or just their little family. It was sad of course but I moved on and made new friends and I’m very happy now with the ones I have. And yeah, one tried to get back in touch a decade later saying how she missed me and our fun nights out and did I fancy a catch up. I just didn’t reply. I’ve moved on now and have other friends.

So as long as the OP doesn’t regret it later, I really don’t think anyone cares if she bows out of the friendships. I actually think she should as I think the friends actually deserve better. They deserve people that want to see them.

Do what you like, OP, but the period in which our children are young is short. And it sounds like your own life will be pretty empty once they have flown the nest. That might seem ages away right now, and not very important, but it will come around much sooner than you think.

I would avoid isolating yourself if you can.

I've heard and seen of more husbands betray wives and families than I have friends.
And really, I think it's quite shitty of you to say that you'd be bored after 5 minutes of hearing about a friends problem with a boss, etc. Are these friends that you've had for years? Presumably if they are, you've had years of sharing problems with them back and forth, and you know whether they're drama llamas. If they're not, do you really think that little of them to not want to try and listen and maybe help a friend who's having an issue?

I've seen all that happen in families too (much more so in fact).

We have very different experiences of friendship and for that I'm really grateful - your social circle seems to consist of conniving backstabbers and/or dullards whose only topic of conversation is hen weekends. I wouldn't want to be friends with them. Not that I could bear a life which made weaning my only topic of conversation either.

It's quite sad that you haven't - and probably won't - experience true, deep friendship, which to me is worth so much more than blood and DNA happenstance. But I guess you can't miss what you've never had.

It sounds like a very insular little existence to only care about your immediate family and to find scooter choices interesting but you do you op.

The OP has every right to drop her friends but she does need to be honest with them so they can stop bothering to include her.

I think it depends on the friends. I’m teetotal and being out with people who mainly talk about alcohol and nights out and venues is draining. I would rather be at home than listen to that.

Or she can continue to do what she does now, which is accept the invites that interest her and decline the ones that don’t. If the friends have an issue with it, they can stop inviting het.

I was thinking of the “I still have friends who suggest meeting up – brunches, dinners, birthdays etc. In theory I say yes and it sounds nice. But when the day actually comes round, I just can’t be bothered” bit.

I don’t think that means she doesn’t show up.

I often have to drag myself to places after accepting invitations, sometimes I have a good time, sometimes I don’t.

I’m an introvert who masks it well, so often people don’t know.

If you want to make your life small, not have any friends and make being a mum and wife your whole personality, that's your choice, just don't expect them to be there for you if your marriage falls apart, which many do.

@lucybmcan you identify what curbed your curiosity about the world and your desire to expand that intellect?

Also, you’re a SAHM and also have a nanny/housekeeper?