To lose interest in seeing friends after I had kids

[lucybm]

I’m 30 with two kids (3 and 1). Before kids I had a pretty exciting social life: friends from work, school, uni, going out for dinners, drinks, all of that.

Now life is obviously very different. Most weekends we spend together as a family – parks, day trips, seeing parents, that kind of thing. It probably sounds cliché but my husband is genuinely my best friend and I really enjoy spending time with him and the kids. Of course it’s exhausting but on the whole I love it and much prefer it to my single, working life. There are weekends where one of us has plans, sometimes I’ll meet a friend for dinner or go to the theatre with my mum, or he’ll go and see friends, or have something work-related. But even when going out to, let’s say, the theatre without kids I usually prefer going with my mum or sister vs a dinner with friends.

I still have friends who suggest meeting up – brunches, dinners, birthdays etc. In theory I say yes and it sounds nice. But when the day actually comes round, I just can’t be bothered and I have FOMO about what I could be doing with family. I’d honestly rather spend that time with my family, go somewhere with the kids, or just have a relaxed day together.

I’ve been invited to a 30th this weekend and all I can think is I’ll miss bedtime, miss dinner with my family, and I don’t really want to be there chatting. I’d much rather stay home or do a day trip / overnight staycation with family. Help isn’t an issue - my mum and MIL both happily babysit (mainly for date nights with my husband), we have a nanny-housekeeper too.

I don’t feel lonely and I don’t feel like anything is missing. If anything, it feels like quite a short phase whilst the kids are little, they actually want to be with me, and I know in a few years they’ll be off doing their own thing.

But at the same time I’ve basically lost all interest in seeing friends, and I don’t know if that’s normal or if I’m becoming a bit closed off.

AIBU to just not want to socialise and prefer being with my family at this stage?

Willingly making your world smaller and shutting people out so you can stay at home when your children are this old sounds like a real problem to me, coupled with your comments about not needing friends.

I’m concerned you may be suffering from postpartum/postnatal depression. Please get some help before things get worse.

As long as you don't mind having no friends left when either your kids are older or your dh buggers off then do what you like.

It's not acceptable to assume they will always be there when you CBA to make an effort though

Your kids will dump you very soon,you will go from being the centre of their world to someone who provides food and is a bit embarrassing. It's really important to keep up friendships or you're going to be really bored.

I can relate @lucybm . I did alot more nightclubs and wineries in my first year of being a mum than I have since because it took me a while to realise I wasn't enjoying that so much as I used to, or nearly so much as doing things with family.
I'm a bit puzzled as to why some posters are so offended that others of us are like this. Does it touch a nerve?

Nobody is offended or suggesting the OP needs to go clubbing.
But those of us who are older know from experience that " my little family" is fleeting, and eventually you will need your friends.

I’ve voted YANBU as its personal preference and if you’re happy then you do you. It wouldn’t be how I want to live to you’re not being UR to live like this, however, don’t expect the friends your pulling away from to still be there when your kids grow up and naturally want to be with their friends more than you.

Don’t cut off your friends as you’ll regret it later. Sure, there are those who you’ll drift from but make an effort with those you’ve known longer or are closer to.

You don’t work yet you have a nanny, a few people I know feel like you, they think they do because friends are important etc anymore. But in reality they feel guilty as they spend so little time with their children, one friend has recently realised their childrens attachment isn’t to them, but to the nanny and their cleaner.

I’m surprised by how many people are saying you are being unreasonable. Maybe they are referring you to you agreeing and then pulling out of things but while I’m the exact opposite of you in that I loved to balance family life with a good social life when my kids were younger plenty of my friends were very similar to you. I’ve scaled things back now my kids are older but I still enjoy a pretty decent social life.

I remember the feeling of young children life being all consuming, and the mental weight of planning to leave them and make sure they had all they need etc, just felt too much. That’s all fair enough. But I have to say that feeling that they are all you need is quite unusual and have to question if you are really being honest with yourself? Like it would be easy to be anxious about leaving your kids and mentally turn that into ‘seeing friends is boring’ to avoid facing the real feelings?

I don’t know, I’m not you, but the way you describe your feelings, is quite unusual id say, and I’d worry about where you will be in a few years when you’ve neglected all your friendships. Does your DH feel the same about the family unit btw or does he want breaks?

You’re just caught up in it all now as your kids are so young, that’s understandable. But surely you realise that when they’re 8 and 10 or 13 and 15, you’ll have a lot more free time? Let alone when they leave home and you’ll likely be in your fifties, so a long life after that still to live.
How are you going to fill your time with no friends or outside interests? Your parents will be elderly/less healthy and able to do things by then, or have passed away. So you’re setting yourself up for your sister and your husband to be your only companions. Why would you want to limit yourself in this way?

Yes, 'fair weather' friends.
I had a friend like this and although I wish her well, I stopped bothering with her years ago. As did everyone else.

I think you’re getting some harsh replies on here. Do you find you’re quite an introverted person pre kids?

it sounds like you realise and accept that if you lose friends now from stepping back at this point in your life then you don’t expect them to be there in the future. You can always make new friends at that point in your life.

Very much this.

Are you planning on your kids being your "best friends" as well? Because that's an unhealthy dynamic and deeply unfair to the kids.

I don’t think people are offended. People have just experienced the inevitable outcome of OP’s policy. And tbh, she sounds very judgemental of her friends, as if their lives are somehow more superficial than hers.

OP is obviously allowed to do as she wishes but to me, her life sounds somewhat sad and very limited. I had a huge social life before children, and I maintain as many of those friendships as I can, even as a single parent who’s working and studying full time, because community is the stuff of a good and rich life.

Thinking about this more, I'm not sure I'd have coped if, on top of everything else, I'd had to worry about keeping myself interesting so my husband didn't lose interest.
I wouldn't have married my husband, or had kids with him, if he hadn't been best friend material.

This is what my mother thinks women are ‘supposed’ to do — have friends when young so they can go out in groups and meet men to marry. As soon as they’re married, job done, you give up work and friends and devote yourself to domestic life. Your hen do, in this version of life, is literally a goodbye to your friends, because you’ve ‘graduated’. Your DH still goes to the pub because he’s a man and you’re putting the children to bed, obviously.

My mother, however, is in her eighties and from a very conservative, trad rural background. She finds it totally incomprehensible that her daughters have longterm friendships that are unaffected by them being in relationships, married or having children. She’s also herself incredibly lonely.

I’m in my mid 40s with teenagers who are becoming independent and want to spend time with their own tribe. I am so grateful to have my old friends. Especially as everyone is getting divorced/ill/losing parents now. You sound a bit rose tinted and naive OP.

My friendships are very important to me and I’m believe all good friendships require effort.

I may have been less readily available during the baby and toddler years but I kept in touch and attended whatever I could.

I don’t really understand letting wonderful relationships die on the vine.

You don"t have to keep yourself interesting, IMO. Especially with young kids.

But it's as well to remember that 42% of British marriages end in divorce. Did these women not marry their best friends? Life is long and people change, leave or die.

To what level have you been educated @lucybm

What a sad outlook, one you’ll probably regret in a few years.

Just don’t expect these friends to still be around waiting for you when your kids are older and less dependent on you and you start feeling like going out again. You’ll be starting threads on here wondering why you don’t have any friends.

I missed a best mate's 30th, actually, and he still loves me. My attendant at my wedding, and godfather to my child, in the years since. So not everyone is standing by with eraser at the ready to scrub you off the Christmas list at the first sign of self absorption.
I think @JaneFondue I was wrong to say it's touched a nerve with others, it's obviously touched a nerve with me. My first marriage ended in divorce, I've no illusions of immutability, but I cannot imagine holding back in my marriage as a kind of insurance against future pain. Or investing in other friends as a way of future-proofing my life.
I don't think I'm unwise but I've never reflected on this before.

I agree, but the OP doesn’t sound that keen on these people, so I suppose I’m chalking it up to yet another instance of that Mn classic of ‘friends’ meaning ‘people I hang around with but think are boring and self-interested’.