To lose interest in seeing friends after I had kids

[lucybm]

I’m 30 with two kids (3 and 1). Before kids I had a pretty exciting social life: friends from work, school, uni, going out for dinners, drinks, all of that.

Now life is obviously very different. Most weekends we spend together as a family – parks, day trips, seeing parents, that kind of thing. It probably sounds cliché but my husband is genuinely my best friend and I really enjoy spending time with him and the kids. Of course it’s exhausting but on the whole I love it and much prefer it to my single, working life. There are weekends where one of us has plans, sometimes I’ll meet a friend for dinner or go to the theatre with my mum, or he’ll go and see friends, or have something work-related. But even when going out to, let’s say, the theatre without kids I usually prefer going with my mum or sister vs a dinner with friends.

I still have friends who suggest meeting up – brunches, dinners, birthdays etc. In theory I say yes and it sounds nice. But when the day actually comes round, I just can’t be bothered and I have FOMO about what I could be doing with family. I’d honestly rather spend that time with my family, go somewhere with the kids, or just have a relaxed day together.

I’ve been invited to a 30th this weekend and all I can think is I’ll miss bedtime, miss dinner with my family, and I don’t really want to be there chatting. I’d much rather stay home or do a day trip / overnight staycation with family. Help isn’t an issue - my mum and MIL both happily babysit (mainly for date nights with my husband), we have a nanny-housekeeper too.

I don’t feel lonely and I don’t feel like anything is missing. If anything, it feels like quite a short phase whilst the kids are little, they actually want to be with me, and I know in a few years they’ll be off doing their own thing.

But at the same time I’ve basically lost all interest in seeing friends, and I don’t know if that’s normal or if I’m becoming a bit closed off.

AIBU to just not want to socialise and prefer being with my family at this stage?

You don’t sound cynical. You sound smug. It’ll bite you on the arse eventually.

I think your views on friendship are quite unusual and it makes me wonder if you are the one who has acted badly towards previous friends and that’s why you don’t believe they are lasting or loyal.

Only last week, I went out with 3 of my oldest friends, we’ve been friends for over 30 years. Two of us have children, two of us don’t, we always have lots to talk about and enjoy each others company. It’s a shame you don’t have that and won’t encourage your children to invest long term in childhood friends.

As other have said, don’t be so short sighted to believe your circumstances won’t change.

“People are often quite self-interested“

LOL, speak for yourself!

I wondered the same - and also thought it was odd that OP thinks friends can let you don't and betray you - but doesn't think the same about her husband/"best friend".

You’re taking for granted that they ask and they will still keep asking. One day they will stop and you might be sorry.

i relocated a long way from home and now don’t really have friends to go out with eve semi regularly and it gets me down quite a lot, not the not going out but the having no one who asks, and the no one to ask. You’ll wake up one day and realise you are lonely.

You’re so self centered and smug.

But family doesn't always last over friendship. I see nobody in my family apart from my step dad but have a group of friends I've known for 25 years. Plus another set of friends who were there for me when I had an operation.

I have seen so many posts by women who are lonely and asking how to make friends.You don't have to go out with them constantly especially when the children are so little but make sure you stay in touch on WhatsApp.

I would go to the 30th birthday as that's a big one.

Please you are NOT unreasonable. It’s merely a season in your life. Honour it. The kids will grow. Yes you may lose one or 2 friendships and reintegration to friendship ground when kids are older will change. But then you can always make friends with your children’s friends parents too. It’s ok. Don’t pile unrealistic expectations on yourself. Enjoy your kids. The years don’t come back. You will miss them as toddlers. I miss my baby kids and their cute personality. Now they are teenagers

"A season of your life" where you lose all your mates? OP doesn't have a job and has a nanny. There's 730 hours in a month. If she can't spare a few of them to see her friends she can't pretend to be surprised when she's a bored 45 year old with kids who don't want to be at home and no mates.

You really need to keep your own life OP. A friend gave me that advice when DC was 4. Extremely valuable. Your children will gain their own social life before you know it.

It’s your call but you may well be one of the many women in ten years time missing friendships and wishing you had made an effort

Frankly, even when my DC were tiny, I had zero interest in talking about weaning and potty traning, even with other mums.

The irony of the OP saying other people are self-interested.

"you can always make friends with your children’s friends parents" - I find this a mad mindset. Obviously out of them you might get lucky and meet a few people you get on with but the liklihood of finding someone you actually want to spend your spare time with (rather than meh they'll do) seems like a gamble.

It sounds like your friendships were pretty superficial. You only really mention the exciting social life ( which is part of it ) but nothing about what true friendships also offer- celebrating each others successes. supporting each other through difficult times and just a genuine interest in what is going on in each others lives.

Eventually people will stop bothering to invite you because It's pointless making the effort with someone who is so disinterested.
It's a bad idea to keep your world so small.

I was exactly the same when I had you he children. Mine are 21,16,13 & 11 now and I’m far more inclined to go out now when invited. I’ve been very lucky to have had a solid group of friends from school until now that have stuck by me regardless of how frequently I engaged over the years. I’m very grateful!

She probably only kept her friends around so she could go ‘husband hunting’ - I know a few people in real life like this, only have time for their friends when single and on the prowl lol.

Your friend is turning 30 and you don’t want to turn up for them and you’re stating that other people are self obsessed ??? I think it’s probably best that you bow out of your friendships now but be careful that you’re not back here in 10 years asking for advice about your DHs affair or your impending divorce claiming that you have no one to confide in.

I think the fact you are a SAHM makes you a bit more venerable both financially and also
socially - as you dont see people at work,
id consider Friendships to be really important.

I love my partner and my kids but I do need to see my friends too. I value friendships immensely.

I’d try to make an effort as once the kids get older they’ll all have moved on with other friends and you’ll be left out and it will be really difficult for you too rebuild friendships.

i mean this in the kindness way but you can be a wife/partner, a mum AND a friend

do not loose your identity X

You're not cynical, you're just blinkered.

I have the opposite experience - I'm NC with my parents and plenty of my friends also have poor to no relationship with their families. My social circle is very much everyone's "chosen family" and we've been there for each other through thick and thin, often because our families of origin are so awful and traumatic.

I don't assume every parent-child relationship is like this (and plenty of my friends have normal, healthy family relationships).

As for whether you'll feel differently in the future, that's not entirely up to you. Drop your friends now and they'll get the message - you won't be able to pick them back up at your convenience.

I'm child-free and when some of my friends starting having kids, there were one or two who very obviously had no further time for anyone who wasn't a parent. It hurt a bit and then I moved on; they're no longer in my life and I don't miss them. It wasn't the norm though. Most of my friends continued to make an effort, and while the nature of parenting meant that we didn't actually see each other anything like as frequently as before, the friendship was still there.

I would love to know whether the friend who is turning 30 has turned up for the OP's major life events - birthdays, house-warmings, engagement party, hen's night, wedding, baby shower. etc. Assuming they have, I do think the OP should make the effort to attend her friend's 30th birthday celebration.

OP, do you actually like your friends? Honestly, it sounds like from your posts you think they are dull at best, and thundering nuisances who are impinging on your 'family time' at worst.

If you truly are unhappy / anxious / bored when you catch up with your friends, it's probably best for everyone that you cut ties.

But if it's a case of 'I do like their company, I just enjoy the company of my family more!' then you should keep the friendships going. But you will need to make a bit of effort from your end once in a while.

What about having your friends over to your place at night, after your kids have gone to bed? That way, you don't need to be apart from your family. You'll still be there if the kids wake up and need you, but you can also get some quality time and conversation with your friends.

Careful what you wish for, OP. Kids grow up and move away. Husbands aren't always forever.

I'm not interested in social media or bragging about how exciting my life is. I just get on and live it with my husband and four DC. I study part time amidst the chaos so I only see a few friends occasionally. I don't mean once a month. Possibly once every four months or so. I am exhausted most days though, so it's more for health reasons not because I only care about my own family.

Please just do what you are comfortable with and be happy. Life is short. Yes kids grow. Husbands change. But so do Friends! All I will say is that actions or inactions have consequences! If you isolate, don’t be surprised if you need friends later in life and you don’t have any. That’s not a bad thing. It’s simply a choice you need to make peace with.

Doesnt always happen