To lose interest in seeing friends after I had kids

[lucybm]

I’m 30 with two kids (3 and 1). Before kids I had a pretty exciting social life: friends from work, school, uni, going out for dinners, drinks, all of that.

Now life is obviously very different. Most weekends we spend together as a family – parks, day trips, seeing parents, that kind of thing. It probably sounds cliché but my husband is genuinely my best friend and I really enjoy spending time with him and the kids. Of course it’s exhausting but on the whole I love it and much prefer it to my single, working life. There are weekends where one of us has plans, sometimes I’ll meet a friend for dinner or go to the theatre with my mum, or he’ll go and see friends, or have something work-related. But even when going out to, let’s say, the theatre without kids I usually prefer going with my mum or sister vs a dinner with friends.

I still have friends who suggest meeting up – brunches, dinners, birthdays etc. In theory I say yes and it sounds nice. But when the day actually comes round, I just can’t be bothered and I have FOMO about what I could be doing with family. I’d honestly rather spend that time with my family, go somewhere with the kids, or just have a relaxed day together.

I’ve been invited to a 30th this weekend and all I can think is I’ll miss bedtime, miss dinner with my family, and I don’t really want to be there chatting. I’d much rather stay home or do a day trip / overnight staycation with family. Help isn’t an issue - my mum and MIL both happily babysit (mainly for date nights with my husband), we have a nanny-housekeeper too.

I don’t feel lonely and I don’t feel like anything is missing. If anything, it feels like quite a short phase whilst the kids are little, they actually want to be with me, and I know in a few years they’ll be off doing their own thing.

But at the same time I’ve basically lost all interest in seeing friends, and I don’t know if that’s normal or if I’m becoming a bit closed off.

AIBU to just not want to socialise and prefer being with my family at this stage?

Clearly I have not expressed myself well. I would forgive friends missing a party. It's not about one event. It's about a pattern.

I have not been all that keen to meet friends who just ghosted me for years, until their marriages broke down, kids grew up or they found weaning less absorbing than it used to be.

At the moment, your kids are little and need you. Fast forward 10/15 years, they will be off, socialising with their own friends. Then what? You’ve ditched your friends, you don’t have a job, hopefully your husband will still be around, but your life will be empty ( unless you are planning on working again?)

Just be careful OP. The right friends can add value and enrich our lives, in a way that husbands/ partners often can’t.

But looking at it from that point of view. If friends are now " boring" and not worth making the effort for because you have kids it means you obviously don't like them that much to still be friends when you change.

Therefore your husband may not like you that much even as a friend when you change. And vice versa

Sorry OP I dont get this at all. I have kids aged 6 to 14 and still maintained friendships for over 25 years. I make time for them and believe life is busy for me.

Its totally your choice if you would rather be home with your family all the time but as a word of caution it may come to a point your children are older and more independent and you want friendships. You wont have any friend left if you decide to not bother with friends now. Also having just your husband as a friend is a huge pressure on him long term.

Also parents whose children are there friends often lack boundaries and cause developmental issues for there children long term. Its fine to be friends when your child is an adult but they need a parent when they are a child and there friendships need to be with other kids.

Exactly. I mean, having a husband as a ‘best friend’ doesn’t mean that’s set in stone any more than any other friendships. Friendships end for all kinds of reasons, like marriages do. And bluntly, being largely friendless apart from a ‘best friend’ husband, who is also the person you rely on financially if you’re a SAHM, is a recipe for disaster. Far too many eggs in one basket and too much pressure on a single relationship.

Would you feel better about meeting up with friends if they came to your house for a catch up sometimes instead of always have to meet up somewhere else? That way you are still a bit in your bubble.

Im childfree and I’m fortunate that my friends when they started having kids just made some adjustments to catch ups (no more long boozy nights out regularly) but didn’t fob me off because I was childfree. But I also adjusted my expectations and we’d often just do a coffee at their house as it was easier with the kids having their own space and toys to keep themselves busy.

Fair enough but very few adult children think highly of their mums who have absolutely no social contact outside of their father and siblings. The problem is that once the kids grow up, these mums struggle to make meaningful friendships and all their old friends were sacrificed along the way. They become the mothers who get increasingly lonely, bitter and co-dependent on their children's lives. They expect company and calls from their kids or grandkids and cannot cope if the health of their partner and only "best friend" for the past few decades starts to decline. They basically have no support network outside of immediate family members and it puts a strain on everyone. Keeping social connections alive outside of family is also something worth doing for the sake of the children.

This is a very good point!

Also my parents' best friends were like bonus aunties/uncles to me when I was little, and then as an adult I'm still in touch with a few of them, will visit them (with mum or on my own), send cards etc. Used to go away with them for the day or weekend. My dad's best friend was a comfort to me when my dad died, sharing stories of their youth etc. More people enrich your children's lives!

Are you describing seeing a few friends every couple of weeks as "holding back in my marriage"? (Perhaps I've misunderstood)

the more I think about this the weirder it is. Mainly your view that familial relationships seem immune to such 'betrayal' (which is a very dramatic term anyway). I don't understand how you've managed to witness so many fallings out among friends but not seen similar issues between families - you only have to look on here to hear about siblings falling out with each other, issues between parents and kids, parents in laws, partners etc.

If anything those sort of relationships would be more prone to 'betrayal' because of the way you are more enmeshed with family - I can't think of a situation where a friend, even a close one would really be in a position to 'betray' me over money because we'd have no reason to share finances in the first place.
Whereas there are countless examples of even the closest families falling out over inheritances, etc.

Same with other things - a friend going to an event they knew I'd like with someone else, while potentially upsetting, wouldn't feel like a 'betrayal' in the same way most people would feel if their romantic partner cheated on them - which is hardly unheard of! Yet I'm sure you see the issue with someone saying 'my parents and siblings have all been cheated on, so I think there's no point in anyone ever getting into a romantic relationship because in my experience they don't last.'

It just seems quite odd that you've let a handful of second-hand experiences influence your thinking to such an extent that you seem quite blindsided to the truth that all relationships can break down - that's not a valid reason to never form any.

I have seen this play out in life. Its very unhealthy as the person is co dependent on grandkids to.

When your kids are teens, they'll want to spend time with their friends, not you. Then they'll leave home, have work, maybe partners, maybe kids. I mean, not to be too negative here, but maybe one day you'll be a widow. It's not a good idea for anyone to put all their social eggs in one basket. I'm so glad my recently widowed mother has a LOT of friends.

@Piglet89undergrad from one of the top 3-5 uk unis in a competitive subject, then masters in same subject

Nice, are you going back to work when they start nursery?

@latetothefisting
I think you’re slightly missing my point. Realistically, going no contact with parents or siblings is still the exception, not the norm. For most people, those relationships last a lifetime. Most (not all!) people adore their mum in a way they simply don’t with friends, and those bonds tend to stick even if they’re imperfect.

Friendships, in my experience, just don’t have that same permanence. When I said “betrayal”, I mean I’ve seen close friends fall out over borrowed money and never speak again, friends go into business together and it end badly, people lend money and the other person disappears. I’ve seen people go after a friend’s ex or even partner if it benefits them. It’s not rare, and it’s not one or two examples, it’s a pattern.

I could give more specific examples, but I don’t really want to make this thread any more outing than it already is. The point is just that, from what I’ve seen, friendships are often conditional and change depending on circumstances. Not always dramatically, but people act in self interested ways far more with friends whilst looking out for family more.

It’s not that I think friendships are pointless, it’s just that I don’t place the same weight on them. Yes, marriages absolutely fall apart, people cheat etc but at this stage of my life, I’d genuinely rather spend my time with my family. That’s where I get the most out of it, and that’s what feels most worthwhile to me right now. I’m spending time with my children and they’re building memories with both parents there.

@FrodoBiggins never say never, but I can’t say I’m excited about working again

Is this a trad wife thread in disguise? 🤔

I feel sorry for you then, you're going to be very lonely when your kids are in school all day with friends, your husband is at work meeting new people and you're sitting at home on your own or maybe with your elderly mum.
But obviously you didn't come on here for advice but to brag about a lifestyle most of us think is a bit sad.

Not in that much of a disguise!

I do not have a single friendship that has fallen apart over money because I don't lend my friends money and they don't ask. I would never go into business with a friend. Ever.
You need better friends!

But honestly, I don't think we could be friends anyway.

Quite.

as others have said, be careful.

My sibling and I are in our fifties. She has no friends and is isolated and angry and her sons have left home. She tells me I am ‘lucky’ for having friends. It was not luck. I have always put huge amounts of effort into friendships, not letting people down, showing interest in others. I have gone to events that I wasn’t keen on. But it has paid dividends as my friendships are now more important than ever as my girls have also left home.

Kids will have their own lives. Marriages end. Good friends can make fifties and sixties much more fun and rewarding.

There is a celebration of misanthropy since the pandemic. I am not sure this is good for the mental health of the nation.

Yeah it's weird isn't it. I've fallen out with one friend since I was 14. And I was 18 when that happened. And I have maybe 30 close friends (as in, I'll see them every month or so on average and catch up a few times a week).
Maybe OP and her family attract toxic people... or maybe they're the common denominator

I feel claustrophobic when I read about the lives of some on MN. People (women) just focussing on their ‘own little family’. Nobody allowed to meet the new baby for weeks, socialising at a minimum etc. It feels so insular and I am not sure we were designed to live such small lives.

Also, I don’t think it’s great for kids to have parents as role models who are so unsociable either. Like it or not, social skills are important for life.

So you’ll be using that expensive high level education one day surely ? What are your plans for when the kids are older ?
You have a Nanny and a housekeeper?
I’ll get hammered for this but what do you do all day?
Remember you’re a person , you’re not just someone’s mummy or wife.
You need friends.