To lose interest in seeing friends after I had kids

[lucybm]

I’m 30 with two kids (3 and 1). Before kids I had a pretty exciting social life: friends from work, school, uni, going out for dinners, drinks, all of that.

Now life is obviously very different. Most weekends we spend together as a family – parks, day trips, seeing parents, that kind of thing. It probably sounds cliché but my husband is genuinely my best friend and I really enjoy spending time with him and the kids. Of course it’s exhausting but on the whole I love it and much prefer it to my single, working life. There are weekends where one of us has plans, sometimes I’ll meet a friend for dinner or go to the theatre with my mum, or he’ll go and see friends, or have something work-related. But even when going out to, let’s say, the theatre without kids I usually prefer going with my mum or sister vs a dinner with friends.

I still have friends who suggest meeting up – brunches, dinners, birthdays etc. In theory I say yes and it sounds nice. But when the day actually comes round, I just can’t be bothered and I have FOMO about what I could be doing with family. I’d honestly rather spend that time with my family, go somewhere with the kids, or just have a relaxed day together.

I’ve been invited to a 30th this weekend and all I can think is I’ll miss bedtime, miss dinner with my family, and I don’t really want to be there chatting. I’d much rather stay home or do a day trip / overnight staycation with family. Help isn’t an issue - my mum and MIL both happily babysit (mainly for date nights with my husband), we have a nanny-housekeeper too.

I don’t feel lonely and I don’t feel like anything is missing. If anything, it feels like quite a short phase whilst the kids are little, they actually want to be with me, and I know in a few years they’ll be off doing their own thing.

But at the same time I’ve basically lost all interest in seeing friends, and I don’t know if that’s normal or if I’m becoming a bit closed off.

AIBU to just not want to socialise and prefer being with my family at this stage?

Very often, on the day of an event I’ve agreed to attend, I feel like I can’t be bothered, or I’m too tired. That was the case on Saturday - I had dinner arranged in the city centre with three friends. I didn’t fancy it.

I went anyway because I’m not a flake and lo and behold, once I was out, I had a ball, and was so glad I didn’t give in to the “can’t be fucked” impulses.

Thats been the case loads of times in my life - can’t be bothered, do it anyway, then have a great time and very much glad I did bother.

No guarantee that your friends will be there after a divorce either though!

I used to put a lot of time and energy into my female friendships, even after I had children.

After my divorce, a huge chunk of my friends drifted away and rarely offered support even though I was struggling alone with two young children, particularly those in couples.

Now my life is peaceful, I see who I want and when I want but don’t put pressure on myself and am no longer the chief organiser of get togethers.

I’m with you OP. I never particularly enjoyed the whole ‘friend circle’ anyway… I’m really close to my Dsis. I always prioritised time with my DDs. I was a sahm after DD2 was born. DD1 was 18 months old at the time and I’d missed her awfully when I returned to work when she was nine months old. I also opted to Home Educate. So I’ve spent their entire childhood with them … they’re 16 & 17.5 now and honestly I have no regrets. I have great and very different relationships with both DDs, I’ve kept in touch with some of my old friends and made some new ones along the way … but my DDs have been my priority from day one.

Kids grow up and move away, marriages break down, spouses die. I’ve found female friendships have become more important the older you get. It’s a mistake to lose your friends.

I’m not sure anyone is suggesting that the OP doesn’t prioritise her kids over her friends. However, they aren’t mutually exclusive.

To me it sounds like your friendships are not necessarily genuine friendships. Nobody i know has those friendships that you described. It is fine to want to be with family and skip brunches and birthdays, they will soon get the message that you're not interested in a relationships with them.

You don’t work and you’ve got a housekeeper/nanny? Well you’re clearly doing SOME kind of other non-Waltons type stuff. What does she do that you can’t do?

You’re obviously an introvert and what you’re doing is perfect for you right now. Just keep in touch with your old friends via social media and messaging etc.

The family-life part of having a family is often very short and really worth cherishing. I remember shuddering at over-hearing a year six mum moaning that her two young boys already preferred to spend time with friends than with them.

You’re doing nothing wrong - enjoy it!

I hope you and your husband stay together and he doesn’t die

It might work right now for her to never see friends and have a purely text relationship but it might not work for the friends. This is what most people are just trying to point out. They may just stop replying to her and move on. They may not want a twice a year pen pal for the next 10 years. As long as she is happy with that potential outcome, then yes she can absolutely do what you are suggesting.

I think dying is the least of their issues. There's an extremely high chance that the husband will eventually become ashamed of a wife who has no friends, no social life, and presumably becomes increasingly out of touch with fashion, trends and fitness. If you never attend social gatherings and have no more friends then there's very little incentive to stay on top of your physical appearance and dress sense if there's nobody to see it.

In families like this, the father and grown-up children tend to develop a dynamic where the mum is seen as dim-witted, slow or just not that fun. She becomes the butt of their jokes, they can see how her world is so small and all the things she talks about aren't taken seriously. They might be important topics to her, but to other people with busy lives, they cannot give a shit about meals, cake, a plant in the garden or other banalities.

This can easily turn into a toxic dynamic where the family members secretly condescend their mum but the mum is co-dependent and controlling and expect them to owe her their time and attention for all the years she sacrificed. The type of nightmare MIL who forcibly inserts herself into her children and grandchildren's lives, or expects special treatment all the time. Then becomes totally baffled and bitter when the kids who "she did everything for" end up going LC or NC.

Since I became a Mom 18 months ago, people don't even bother asking me to go out now. People make plans in front of me, and don't ask me, which really hurts. Prior to having my child, I used to get invited to things. I would go out, IF I were invited, but I've been dropped like a sack of shit (if you pardon the expression), since having a baby.

I would say that I only really have one true friend, but she's been there since we were teenagers, and she also has a child of a similar age. I never see my child free friends, or even those with older kids. I'm very lonely, truth be told, even though I have a beautiful child, and a great partner. I never expected to feel like that in my 30's.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, enjoy your friends, nurture your friendships, go out, and spend time with them. Nothing hurts more than feeling like you've been ditched.

Too often women make their husband and kids their life/personality; personally I find it a small way to live.
Then before you know it kids are teenagers and what life do you have? worse case a divorce and you’ve made yourself his ‘best friend’ with no other life.
It’s not the 1950s and this cute toddler phase will pass in the blink of an eye, they’ll be at school, I’d hope you’d work then. as that’s a very common theme for marriages to struggle, when the man has the full financial weight on him.

This. It might be boring hearing about work, hen do’s, etc, but it’s just as boring to spend time with someone constantly banging on about their children. 🤷‍♀️

There are many things to chat about, and, no it wouldn’t be a good idea to take your children to an adult brunch. 🙄

I bet someone planned her a nice hen do and she didn't moan about it at the time 🙄

You are so right @User086758, you see this playing out even before the children are adults. I work with lots of rich men whose wives don't work and the dynamic they have with their teenagers against "silly mummy" is unedifying. Some also bemoan their wives' lack of friends & interests outside of buying things for the house and other shopping. I do call them out on it when it's rude but I feel for both in the couple, it's not easy being someone's sole provider of friendship and income.

Don't you speak up when people make plans in front of you? I had ONE mate ( a bloke) who when it was his birthday I didn't get an invite for the get together, yet my OH ( who didn't actually like him much) did.

I asked why have you not invited me . Reply because of the baby ( who was 5 months by then lol) Tore him off a strip, pointed out I'm perfectly capable of sorting childcare. ( My oh was so relieved to have excuses not to go)

22ysars on we are still.good friends and still meet up regularly

But unless someone has gagged you, use your words?

Same here! I see this all the time, esp. in the way friends and their siblings talk about their own mums. They often sound downright cruel and mocking, which makes little sense because they are normally lovely people to be around. I think it's the result of a toxic family dynamic that became so normalised over decades, often through goading and encouragement from the father, that they don't even realise how awful they sound.

And it also happens most frequently in wealthy families where the father was the sole earner, the mum SAHM, the kids grew up and often took over the family business. It often feels like the mum sacrificed everything only to be squashed down the ladder by the children. The husbands are often vile when they talk about their wives, frequently comparing each others partners and their achievements or lack thereof. One husband loves to blame everything on the fact his wife "has no hobbies or friends", ignoring the fact she's taking care of two small children and their home and working as well.

I think many women romanticise the idea of being seen as the family leader and matriarch. In reality, they end up being a servant and secretly despised by their partners and grown-up children. Not all men will cheat or divorce but I can say for sure that those same men don't see their SAH wives as their "best friend" and soulmate 30 years down the line.

As others have asked. What do you actually do all day if you don’t work, have a nanny and a housekeeper? Presumably your 3 year old is at some sort of nursery at least part time?

It just makes me feel awkward if you get what I mean? I feel like I've lost all my confidence.

That's fair.
I just don't know the best way to challenge it, if you get me? I don't want to cause a scene, but at the same time, I never know what to say.

How about, " where's my invite?" "That sounds good, count me in"

Thank you.
I think I need to grow a pair 🙈

What do they imagine single, child free people talk about? We talk about issues, current affairs, films, other friends, past experiences...the possibilities are endless. You don't even have to talk about work.

This isn't to do with this thread particularly, but I firmly believe that chat is something that can be taught and practised, even if it doesn't come naturally. When I met my exH and went to meet his family it really struck me how little actual conversation there was in that house. And it's worse now that everyone is buried in a phone for much of the time.