To lose interest in seeing friends after I had kids

[lucybm]

I’m 30 with two kids (3 and 1). Before kids I had a pretty exciting social life: friends from work, school, uni, going out for dinners, drinks, all of that.

Now life is obviously very different. Most weekends we spend together as a family – parks, day trips, seeing parents, that kind of thing. It probably sounds cliché but my husband is genuinely my best friend and I really enjoy spending time with him and the kids. Of course it’s exhausting but on the whole I love it and much prefer it to my single, working life. There are weekends where one of us has plans, sometimes I’ll meet a friend for dinner or go to the theatre with my mum, or he’ll go and see friends, or have something work-related. But even when going out to, let’s say, the theatre without kids I usually prefer going with my mum or sister vs a dinner with friends.

I still have friends who suggest meeting up – brunches, dinners, birthdays etc. In theory I say yes and it sounds nice. But when the day actually comes round, I just can’t be bothered and I have FOMO about what I could be doing with family. I’d honestly rather spend that time with my family, go somewhere with the kids, or just have a relaxed day together.

I’ve been invited to a 30th this weekend and all I can think is I’ll miss bedtime, miss dinner with my family, and I don’t really want to be there chatting. I’d much rather stay home or do a day trip / overnight staycation with family. Help isn’t an issue - my mum and MIL both happily babysit (mainly for date nights with my husband), we have a nanny-housekeeper too.

I don’t feel lonely and I don’t feel like anything is missing. If anything, it feels like quite a short phase whilst the kids are little, they actually want to be with me, and I know in a few years they’ll be off doing their own thing.

But at the same time I’ve basically lost all interest in seeing friends, and I don’t know if that’s normal or if I’m becoming a bit closed off.

AIBU to just not want to socialise and prefer being with my family at this stage?

You're wrapping up your own identity in being a wife and mom and letting everything else go.

Not having an independent identity is going to come back and bite you when your kids are getting older and more independent themselves. They'll be wanting to go out with their friends and you'll be clinging because your identity is being mom. It's not healthy to turn your kids into your only friends. You need exposure to people outside your husband and kids to maintain a connection with the community and world outside and frankly, you'll get boring as fuck if that's all you care about. You're going to end up socially isolated and that's bad for your cognitive function, and your mental and physical health.

It sounds like you’ve grown apart from these friends and don’t have much in common. If you don’t enjoy spending time with them, it could be time to make new friends you actually look forward to seeing. On the text thing, I had one mum friend that only wanted to text to keep in touch. I personally hated it. Over an extended period it really made me think she wasn’t very interested in my life/I didn’t feel I knew what was going on for her. If you’re only interested enough to text, is it really worth trying to maintain the relationship?

No not normal, friends are important and you'll need them. The "my little family" stuff doesn't always last and you'd expect friends to be there if it all went wrong. Also rude to cut friends off for a 'better option'.

I remember one of my friends I met through work became a mum of two fairly quickly and she still made time for the odd catchup. She was beautifully presented and engaged in conversation about both her family life and non-child related topics. She had a lovely close family and siblings to help her too with the kids.

Now I’m a mum and have DH, but sadly not with any family support or a nanny (I wish!). With full time work it’s not easy to make time to socialise outside the family unit but I do.

If I had the endless support from inside the family and one of four siblings - maybe I would be more insular though like you, OP and put my nose above it all.

I agree with PPs saying words of warning thigh - people, even family or husbands, can turn.

Meanwhile, if I’m honest, I’ll be mildly bored after hearing for more than 5 minutes about their annoying boss or the stress of organising a hen do.

You can't help how you feel but I find this insulting and rude! You were a woman with friends and a social life before becoming a mother. Personally, I like to remember that from time to time, even though obviously my children and family are my main priority and is where I spend most of my time.

Most of my friend group have kids. Some people in the group have zero interest in what's going on in anyone else's lives unless they are pregnant or have had a baby and I find it so rude. To me, that's not a friend!

Just cut your friends off if you are going to continue to cancel plans, there's nothing worse than a passive member of a group who's keeping their "foot in the door" but has no interest of engaging with the group for the foreseeable future.

I would be careful, OP, especially as a SAHM (one one myself). You don’t need to go to every gathering but keep up with important ones like 30th, or I think you could regret it in years to come

I do understand to a degree because I’ve always enjoyed family time BUT as I’ve got older my friendships have come to mean more and more to me and they are incredibly precious to me. Life is full of stages and seasons and I think not investing in friendships now, could leave you regretting it later. It’s hard to make new friends so maintaining friendships is actually easier. Plus that shared history over time, I love that my friends have experienced so many different versions of me and grown with me.

You feel like things have changed since starting a family, but that won’t be your last change so just keep that in mind.

the key point is the final 3 words "at this stage."

YANBU to feel how you feel, in exactly the same way as someone without kids would be U to find the family life you love boring and insular. Horses for courses. But it won't be long at all in the scheme of things until your kids are old enough to not want to do the full days out, and then soon after that they'll be living completely independently. If I was your friend I wouldn't be up for meeting up in 15 years once you feel at a loss again.

It's completely fair to think that blood relationships are stronger. But your parents are very likely to pass away before you, and even if they live for years, there may come a time when they aren't healthy enough for theatre trips or whatever. Relationships don't always last, and kids move away. It's wise to not put all your eggs in one basket, and, for most people, more fulfilling to have a variety of different relationships - romantic, familial, friendships.

It's not an absolute - perhaps you feel like this because your friendships weren't that close to begin with. Lots of friends are there for a reason/season rather than forever, and you might make new ones. But if you do value your friendships, spending a few hours once a month to keep that connection going is worth it.

I think this is really unhealthy and enmeshed. And a bit weird.

Ok that's basically irrelevant though are you going to engage with the vast majority of posters who are warning you that putting everything into your "little family" at the expense of any other aspect of your adult life might be a bad idea?
Or did you only come on here to have people agree with you?

That's interesting.

Will you encourage your children to make friends when they are older?
Or do you feel that it will be for the best if their only friendship will be with their parents and their sibling?

@FrodoBiggins
Yes I’m absolutely taking all points on board. As I can’t respond to everyone I only reply when there’s bits to clarify or someone asks a question.
but to everyone else my reply is - “thank you, valid point, taking it on board!”

@SkaneTos
Honestly, yes, I would encourage them to make friends. There’s a lot they’ll get from friendships, fun, shared experiences, things you don’t really do on your own, especially in childhood / adolescence. Things like messing around at school, going out together as teenagers, maybe that first holiday with friends after exams, all of that. But I’d also want them to keep a bit of perspective. To put themselves first, not to be too naive about people, and to understand that most friendships don’t last forever. People are often quite self-interested, so it’s important to look out for yourself too. That often (not always) family ties outlast friendships and are more genuine.

I feel a bit sorry for you. I hope you teach your children to be good friends. And I hope you, and your kids, don't have blind faith that a partner could never let them down like you seem to have.

Most of my friends don’t have kids yet

I think this is part of the issue. I was the first of my friends to have kids and my life was just so WILDLY different, it was difficult to relate.

Some previously good friends turned out to just be fucking morons, suggesting I bring my toddler on a catamaran trip or not understanding why we didn't want to go skiing with our baby and share a villa with them. They couldn't understand babies have a 7pm bedtime and that realistically me and DH would get very little skiing done. I kept hearing "but you can just alternate" and *put baby to sleep.and come down and party with us". Baby was 4 months, breastfed, and waking every 2 hours. Apparently they read that we "can just sleep train". OK, yes, it's that easy.

Oddly enough the person who has stayed my best friend doesn't want kids of her own but she just gets it. And she's wonderful and I have made a real effort to keep our friendship alive. A couple of others I became closer to when they started having kids too.

I think it's OK that the friendship circle gets smaller but you really should invest in a few good friends. It's really worth it. Your kids won't be toddlers forever.

Also, my parents are like you- they never invested in friendships, were always happy to be just the 2 of them and family etc etc.

They are very lonely now in old age. I wish my mum had at least one friend. Even if you don't stay bestest friends with people, it's really worth keeping a social network alive.

I actually think of them when I can't be arsed with socials to motivate myself to go out.

sounds a bit of a brag I've got family and I've friends.
Your fortunate and it's not a good idea to put all your eggs in one basket unless it's Easter of course.

never to late to make friends but you've got to put yourself out.

Most kids grow up to find the company of their parents annoying/embarrassing and most women outlive their husbands.

If you are happy being totally on your own (some are) then do whatever you prefer. I am sort of surprised you don't feel the need for a support network now, though, I've never had a time in life where I thought "this would be better without friends".

@Netcurtainnelly no, but I think if you spent your whole adult life not bothering, it's almost impossible to start doing it in your 60s. You're out of practice and don't even have a basic, loose network to start with.

I think it’s ok while your kids are this little tbh. And yes friendships do change. I’m 5 years older than you and now most of the friends I actually see are local (easy to meet up with) and have kids the same age who mine like. And some friends from DC school, other mums. My life isn’t very wide at the moment and that’s ok because I’m happy to let go of some of the friendships I had and also happy that I will make new friends and reestablish connections later on when I’m less snowed under at home.

It's always a bit of a red flag when women describe their partners as their one and only "best friend". It sounds slightly co-dependent and it's not socially ideal to put all your eggs into one basket, so to speak. A man might be the most amazing partner or father right now, but nobody can say how things may change 5, 10 or 20 years down the line. This doesn't necessarily mean infidelity but could also be changes in career, health, personality development, mid life crisis etc.

Another way of seeing is it that most of us attracted our partners during a phase in life where we were independent, attractive, fascinating and not always accessible. This is what most people enjoy seeing from their partners. They want to be with someone who is multi-faceted and who OTHER people also want to spend time with. The problem with women who make their partner and children their entire personality is that at some point, you lose all other dimensions to yourself. You can't learn new things or hold interesting conversation if you stop exposing yourself to new people and ideas.

I know a mum who is quite similar and seems absolutely fulfilled by only spending time with her 4 children and partner. She has no friends and her sole pastime is spent juggling her kids schedules, getting them to activities and doing home chores and cooking (which understandably takes up the entire day). She's a wonderful mother no doubt and the kids are lovely but it's extremely difficult to make conversation with her. All she can talk about is superficial kids stuff...local activities, holiday destinations, schools, bday party venues etc. She's also convinced the covid vaccine was terrible and will occasionally ramble on about that. You can tell she hasn't really had proper adult conversation for years, let alone kept up with the news, current events, new technology etc.

This is in stark contrast to other mum friends who have maintained a life outside their family. They go on holidays with friends, have exciting social media updates, have interesting life updates whenever you catch up with them etc.

I don’t identify with this at all. I love my partner and children but they cannot meet all of my social and emotional needs. Different people in my life fulfil me in different ways. I adore my female friendships and would be truly lost without them. I’d think carefully before letting them slip away OP.

My mum had several local friends she kept up with. My dad doesn’t.

She died three years ago & now he’s lonely but refuses to try joining anything because he just doesn’t have the confidence without her.

We do visit when we can & phone regularly but none of us live that close.

@User086758 god* *yeah I know a few of those! No chat because nothing has happened to them in years other than seeing their various kids do various things.