To be so upset by what my aunt said and did when I went to visit

[Droopydroopingdropped]

Hello
I know I am probably being unreasonable and my aunt had every right to say what she said but I feel horrible and just want to get things off my chest
I can't talk about this to anyone in real life as they will think me too shallow
Anyway I visited family abroad after 6 years and the first thing my aunt said when I arrived at her house was "You look so different, oh you've changed so much."
When I visited last I was 50, still having periods and also had met the man I am now married too so I was all giddy and glowy. Six years on and, although still in love, life throws a lot of stress at you etc plus I am post menopausal.
I thought I looked okay but she kept mentioning it, saying oh my hair was so thick before now its thin, I look drawn, I dont look like before.
Just basically making me feel like shit.
She wouldn't cook either so would just eat snacks for herself and then fry me a load of chips
After a few days of this my skin came out in horrible boils
I endured 3 weeks but luckily there were some other relatives who took me out for meals and tried to send food for me because they all know what this aunt is like.
She would ask what I would like to eat but then just make chips
When I came back to the UK I got diagnosed with fatty liver!
I feel traumatised by my experience and I don't want anything more to do with this aunt who seems to be angry that I have had the audacity to age.
I did manage to stay with a cousin for a couple of nights but her husband didnt really like me being there.
I spent so much money for the flights and buying gifts for everyone and bar a few of them they just made me feel awful especially the aunt!
She is my mum's youngest sister, never been married, she lives with her unmarried brother who also has gone a bit weird.
I am researching fillers and plastic surgery, she has given me a complex.

Unfortunately getting older is something we all have to face and things do seem to accelerate somewhat when you hit your 50’s.

That said, your aunt’s comments were horrible and I’m not surprised you are upset. It sounds as if she’s gone a bit off piste mentally, because no one would make those comments if they were functioning normally.

If you want to make changes then fine. But don’t do it because of your aunt’s shitty comments. I find focussing more on my heath rather than looks has helped me tremendously. Staying fit and healthy so I feel good makes a massive difference.

Life isn't black and white though, is it?

This isn't a case of OP - good, Aunt - bad.

Was the Aunt a good host? Obviously not! But is OP an 8 year old or a mute? Also NO!

I think the majority of Mumsnetters will have encountered a prickly character, be they friends, family, colleague or other that they've had to verbally tussle with. not the easiest thing to do, granted, but OP is in her fifties! She is more than old enough to ask her Aunt to stop with the personal comments and, if not happy, to leave and book into a hotel.

IMO OP takes some of the blame for her misery because she didn't speak up for herself or put any measures into place to deal with crappy hosting.

The ease and regularity of 'book into a hotel' is one of the things that shows the financial gulf between me and the average Mumsnetter 😂 Awful partner, ungrateful children, demanding in-laws, ghastly aunt? Book into a hotel!

There aren't even any hotels (or taxis) in my small English town so, outside working hours, I wouldn't be able to get to one if I could afford it. No idea what the situation's like in OP's place of origin but, given she said there are no food shops, I wouldn't bank on a conveniently affordable hotel.

Presumably the nicer relatives would've offered to have her stay if they could have. I guess she was stuck facing the choice between fried chip hell and fisticuffs in the kitchen. Much as I love chips, I might have ended up beating the aunt off with her own frying pan - or running to the next village, screaming "Vegetables, for the love of god! Has anybody got veg?!"

Not ringing the Four Seasons and demanding a long-distance driver, anyway.

I've just remembered something that happened to a friend of mine in China. On a long and uncomfortable train trip, she decided to break journey at a stop in picturesque countryside, all cornfields.

After the train continued on its way, she enquired what time the next one would be. Next week, was the reply.

There being no tourism facilities whatsoever in Corn Province, the people sorted out a billet for her with a local family. Apparently they were very kind and her unplanned visit was, as you can imagine, a special experience.

All they ate was corn. Corn soup, corn bread, corn fritters, corn stew, corn porridge, corn, corn. For a whole week. She learned many corn recipes. And never touched the stuff again.

see also

Book a girls night out
Book a spa day
Go away for the weekend

• again to solve all ills from partner not pulling his weight to MIL coming to stay etc.

Ah you have my sympathy, I have an aunt like this (the comments, not the food)

After years of supposed harmless remarks including "oh you've still got your fat arms, teeheehee" and "how is your spotty little face, darling?" when I was dealing with adult acne - I have nothing more to do with the tone deaf old bat.

Good riddance.

Get the fillers if you want to, I did and have no regrets but did it for me and not some prat who's comments mean nothing.

@Droopydroopingdropped so sorry to read this. You sound really sad and it’s horrible what auntie said.

did they eat chips too? It’s a bit strange isn’t it. I’m guessing that by the mention on bombing that it could be Iran? At least you’re safe.

it’s also great that some family members were kind and pleased to see you. So although it was a hard few weeks - try to focus on the positives.

in terms of your looks - aging is normal! But to give you a boost maybe look at your water intake, try some new foods and get your hair done! I always feel better when my hair is nice and I have my nails done. Hopefully the sun coming out more you can get outside, fresh air and have some nice walks.

write it off and plan another trip with nice people!

Thank you everyone who read and responded
I know it is frustrating to read- yes, I am a middle- aged woman so why didn't I charge into the kitchen and make something for myself?
Everything has to be cooked from scratch and if I went into the kitchen I would be shooed out and aunt said she would do it except she never did.

It was also hard to be proactive because you never knew what would happen that day with the various relatives

Eg the day that I would have food given to me by a different aunt, that would be the day that a cousin would decide he was taking us all out to a nice bbq restaurant

In other words it was feast or famine
I think my aunt just expected that we would be invited to dinner every night and when that didn't happen she resorted to frying chips.
It was odd how she would ask what I wanted to eat but then not make it. That felt slightly cruel.
And she said some awful things about my husband because he is not from the same culture. She even asked if he was wealthy.
She seems to judge women on their looks and men on their money.

Aunt just didn't like cooking but if there was food anywhere she was the first to fill her plate.
It was really offputting seeing her lunge at the food like that.
Yes that makes me a horrible person. I should have just laughed it off and taken it as a foible but it was quite sickening.

If she had told me she hated cooking while I was still in the UK I would have taken packets of pasta and crackers and tins of sardines/ tuna etc and survived on that on the days we weren't eating somewhere else.
The first thing my uncle said when I arrived back in the UK was: "When will you visit again?"
Erm, never.

So if she asked what you wanted and you said “chicken” or whatever and then chips appeared, did you politely enquire about the fate of the chicken? If you were shooed away and told she’d do it and then she didn’t there must have been an opportunity to say “oh no I insist as I really fancy the chicken and you said yesterday it was too complicated/ boring / expensive for you and that’s why I got chips again”. And what did the uncle eat? Daily chips too?

Fatty liver does not have symptoms. You could have had it before you visited. It’s not something that is tested for regularly. I’ve got it, but it was only picked up via a scan when I had gallstones.

I have an aunt who seems a lot more awful than she used to, I do think that a big part of it is cognitive decline. For some reason she seems to relish in running me down in particular as if she some how images I am her competition? In what way I don't know, she's an elderly woman so it isn't as if we are at any similar stage of life. I think she isn't very happy and her only way to feel better is to try and make someone else feel small. She is dependent on her own family and so can't do that to them and I am one of the few people she sees other than them so I think I get hit with it all. Its quite sad really but she has her own kids so I tend to just avoid her now, she isn't my problem.

Also regarding Fatty Liver, I looked it up and apparently and while NAFLD is usually something that happens over years situations that the OP describes such as eating a high fat diet (we don't know what oil the chips were friend in) over a period of a few weeks can actually tip a normal liver into a fatty state quite rapidly. The good news for the OP is that if she reverts to a healthy diet she can at this point reverse the damage to her liver.

That only happens where the liver is at the tipping point. It takes years of either alcohol misuse or a high fat diet to get to the fatty liver stage. OP is blaming the diet served up by her aunt but the fact is her diet couldn’t have been that healthy beforehand because you can’t get fatty liver in three weeks.