To be so upset by what my aunt said and did when I went to visit

[Droopydroopingdropped]

Hello
I know I am probably being unreasonable and my aunt had every right to say what she said but I feel horrible and just want to get things off my chest
I can't talk about this to anyone in real life as they will think me too shallow
Anyway I visited family abroad after 6 years and the first thing my aunt said when I arrived at her house was "You look so different, oh you've changed so much."
When I visited last I was 50, still having periods and also had met the man I am now married too so I was all giddy and glowy. Six years on and, although still in love, life throws a lot of stress at you etc plus I am post menopausal.
I thought I looked okay but she kept mentioning it, saying oh my hair was so thick before now its thin, I look drawn, I dont look like before.
Just basically making me feel like shit.
She wouldn't cook either so would just eat snacks for herself and then fry me a load of chips
After a few days of this my skin came out in horrible boils
I endured 3 weeks but luckily there were some other relatives who took me out for meals and tried to send food for me because they all know what this aunt is like.
She would ask what I would like to eat but then just make chips
When I came back to the UK I got diagnosed with fatty liver!
I feel traumatised by my experience and I don't want anything more to do with this aunt who seems to be angry that I have had the audacity to age.
I did manage to stay with a cousin for a couple of nights but her husband didnt really like me being there.
I spent so much money for the flights and buying gifts for everyone and bar a few of them they just made me feel awful especially the aunt!
She is my mum's youngest sister, never been married, she lives with her unmarried brother who also has gone a bit weird.
I am researching fillers and plastic surgery, she has given me a complex.

I agree. Some people think it’s insane to stay with anyone for three weeks but in my view that attitude is odd. We have family a long way overseas and you can’t go for short visits. Of course we stay for protracted periods and whilst it can be tricky, your aunt’s behaviour is something else again. You may have changed outwardly (bet you still look fine though) but it sounds like she’s changed inwardly from the nice person you presumably used to know and were looking forward to visiting to someone really nasty and quite weird.
that’s a much worse change than a few wrinkles etc!
I wonder whether deep down you’re maybe more upset and disappointed with your family not as nice as you remembered they used to be? I think that’s how I’d feel.

Hope you feel happier soon and can chalk it up to experience and plan a nice break somewhere nice soon.

Most of my aunts make those kinds of comments. A week after I gave birth "oh you're so fat". When I was a teenager "oh you're so spotty! My daughter NEVER gets spots AAAND she's beautiful!"

I simply chose not to speak to any of them again once my mother had passed. Up until then, I did from a distance out of respect for my mum.

Fatty liver disease was not caused by 3 weeks of chips!

Staying for three weeks is massive, and it sounds like it was supposed to be even longer. She was probably fed up with you by the end of it, to be honest.

Why did you need to ask people to bring you food? Am I missing something?

No she doesn’t. If I were to go and stay with relatives I would expect to be made welcome, for the host to find out what I liked to eat, and for he/she to be thoughtful and kind. Instead she got a critical and surly response from the aunt who didn’t want to put herself out for her guest! The other relatives were much nicer, shame they weren’t hosting the visit

Ah came on, that google excerpt proves nothing to support your argument that there are few places left on this planet without delivery services.
I live 5km outside of a reasonable sized urban town in Ireland and the only food delivery service we can get is Domino’s and even that’s limited.
The world is a very big place, expand your mind.

Damn right I wont be going again. I dont even want to speak to that aunt ever again.
I will maintain contact with the nice aunts and cousins who were delightful.

She is 56 and not wanting to talk to someone - how often does she speak to her nowadays ??

@Droopydroopingdropped I'm not British either, and can understand the issue about not being able to cook or shop for yourself. Would likely cause huge offence in certain situations in my family too - and it's impossible to even articulate some of the rules to yourself, never mind try to explain them to people outside your culture.

I also understand how hard it can be to "come home" once you move away. Esp if you're seen as forgetting your roots or whatever.

But, you need to take responsibility for the fatty liver disease, and if you get cosmetic surgery, take ownership of the decision.

Your auntie sounds very rude, but it's over now, and now you know better than to stay with her next time!

Well ok, the cultural expectation for the OP was that she wasn't allowed to cook for herself or leave early

The cultural expectation of her aunt was to be a good host

Her aunt broke cultural expectations. Why should the OP continue to uphold them? It sounds like the OP lives in the UK, so has knowledge (possibly also experience) of living a life in a way other than the culture of their heritage. She could have chosen not to uphold cultural expectations since she found herself in a situation that didn't conform to them. There are big or loud ways to do this, or smaller, politer, discreeter ways. But the OP seemed to be entirely passive and made a choice to do nothing.

Being angry, upset, disappointed etc at her aunt seems like a very normal response to how she was treated. The choice to do nothing does not seem 'normal'. It's a choice a person might make if they had an emotionally abussive childhood for example.

Your aunt wasn't kind, but you sound silly too, OP. 56 years of age and relying on others for food as you state in your OP is embarrassing. 🙈

Maybe I missed this, but I'm not sure there were any expectations on the auntie to be a "good host" (or what that might look like in OP culture?) When I go home, there's no "hosting", life goes on as normal and I'm expected to slide back in to the community and culture. And for me it's very, very difficult, and in some contexts very high risk, to just opt out of certain behaviours or expectations . If I even reach an awareness that that's what they are. Plus, of course, my culture is so important to me, it's who I am, so there are complex emotional stakes around how I interact with my community as someone who's sort of "out" of it.

Traumatised by a few comments. You're 56. Most people have developed a thicker skin by that age and don't take silly comments to heart.

Fatty liver develops over years, not from 3 weeks of fried food. If that was the case everyone would be walking around with a fatty liver. Your lifestyle is possibly not as healthy as you think.

You should have shopped for ingredients and made your own food. And why didn't you leave as soon as you realised no one wanted you there. You passively accepted the treatment given to you.

What was your uncle eating?

It is a culture known for hospitality so not being fed by an aunt was truly weird

Every bloody culture will tell you its known for hospitality and that they bond by eating together. Find me a single culture in this world that doesn't make a statement like that. I'm sick of being told by people from outside of my country and my culture that their country and culture is especially known for showing hospitality through sharing food.

It's like this is supposed to come as some sort of curious surprise to us British people. Like everyone else assumes we barricade our front doors to stop people coming over the threshold, and if we really can't avoid it then we just shove a ready meal in front of them and fuck off, leaving them alone to eat it while they go out and do something more interesting.

I hear it all the time on Bake Off or Master Chef and it drives me mad.

'In my culture we love getting together with friends and family for big celebration meals and we show love through feeding people.'

Newsflash, that's not your culture that's just called being human. We all do it.

The OP doesn't explicitly state what her expectations were, but I think it's fairly clear that she expected that she was not allowed to cook for herself, therefore expected the aunt to provide a sensible diet for the 3 week visit. The OP is clear that she did not expect chips for every meal and the food offered fell below her expectations. It also was stated that the wider family had concerns about the aunt's behaviour and tried to make up the slack to some extent. So the aunt was not a 'good' host according to the expectations of the OP or her wider family and I'm taking them to be experts in their culture.

I don't know if sourcing her own food (fresh uncooked ingredients she could eat raw, street food, or visiting a cafe or restaurant alone) would have been very high risk for her. But I imagine she would have an idea of which of these options were hazardous in her culture.

The aunt was rude and clearly weird about food. But given that, you (at 56!) do have agency to take steps to cater for your needs - whether that's eating out, at other relatives, being firm about what you eat at her house or cutting the visit short. Even if that causes a "scandal" - so what, she's rude, not catering properly for a guest and her relatives "know what she's like".
Do take steps to sort out your fatty liver, skin issues and thin hair. Don't have plastic surgery because your odd relative made rude comments. Don't stay with her again.

It really won’t have been the cause - you need to eat a shit ton of fried food for a long time before you get fatty liver.

I understand it was awful but perhaps don’t visit again.

Not true that no one wanted her there- read the original post!

Fucking hell! Rude or not, who cares? Wasn't the aunty rude? Stop with this molly codling, a grown arse woman should take responsability for herself. The food is not good? Find solutions. If there were relatives who took her out for meals, there would have been a grocery shop/market on the way. You are treated badly? Go home. Scandal, being rude, who the fuck cares? You are more important, you have to look out for yourself and should not care you offend someone when yourelf are offended yourself and sufferring. Posters who answered are completely right, nothing to look in the mirror for. We are adults and we get to decide how we are treated. No one will build you a statue for sacrificing yourself.

This !!!
Thank your lucky stars these people all live abroad do you don't have to see them any time soon.
Also why didn't you tell your aunt to take a look in the mirror beford she starts being do damn rude?

Well you did but don’t have to again!

For some, the thought of visitors is better than actually having them.

I’m in reverse, I absolutely hate the thought of having visitors because of all the prep work, but actually enjoy them whilst here.

I think this is a classic “two things can be true at once.”

Yes the aunt sound horrible and a shit host.

Equally after a week of this, once the boils started 😱 the OP should have done something. If your health is suffering and moreover you know it’s likely that the relationship has broken down anyway you move out or go home. Not wait for another couple of weeks! No social convention is worth this and the OP was over 50, not a child.

No one gets boils from eating chips for 3 days and no one gets fatty liver from eating chips for 3 weeks

What country is this?

True, hadn't considered the other family clearly seeing a problem with the food provided!

Re. high risk, I didn't mean unsafe food so much as transgressing cultural norms. For people who've "left" the community (in some way), this can (at least in my community) carry a high risk of criticism, mistrust, even ostracism, and maybe even violence depending on the specifics. Offending a woman of high standing, especially if she's family to me, would be a big problem for how my community saw me. And since I'm already "outside" to some extent for various reasons, there's less leeway for mistakes. Just trying to understand the OPs apparent passivity.

Oh god this. I just havent had the energy to rage about this but I rage in my head hearing this on every bloody cooking show.

Or go to a hotel and say stop you are not being kind, if I want your opinion I will ask for it but until then unless you want me to leave please stop ✋

You are a very grown adult.

You are more than capable of standing up for yourself and buying/cooking your own meals.

The whining and blaming gets you nowhere but PoorMeesVille.

If ONE VISIT can cause fatty liver then God help everyone who goes on an all inclusive holiday 🙄