To be so upset by what my aunt said and did when I went to visit

[Droopydroopingdropped]

Hello
I know I am probably being unreasonable and my aunt had every right to say what she said but I feel horrible and just want to get things off my chest
I can't talk about this to anyone in real life as they will think me too shallow
Anyway I visited family abroad after 6 years and the first thing my aunt said when I arrived at her house was "You look so different, oh you've changed so much."
When I visited last I was 50, still having periods and also had met the man I am now married too so I was all giddy and glowy. Six years on and, although still in love, life throws a lot of stress at you etc plus I am post menopausal.
I thought I looked okay but she kept mentioning it, saying oh my hair was so thick before now its thin, I look drawn, I dont look like before.
Just basically making me feel like shit.
She wouldn't cook either so would just eat snacks for herself and then fry me a load of chips
After a few days of this my skin came out in horrible boils
I endured 3 weeks but luckily there were some other relatives who took me out for meals and tried to send food for me because they all know what this aunt is like.
She would ask what I would like to eat but then just make chips
When I came back to the UK I got diagnosed with fatty liver!
I feel traumatised by my experience and I don't want anything more to do with this aunt who seems to be angry that I have had the audacity to age.
I did manage to stay with a cousin for a couple of nights but her husband didnt really like me being there.
I spent so much money for the flights and buying gifts for everyone and bar a few of them they just made me feel awful especially the aunt!
She is my mum's youngest sister, never been married, she lives with her unmarried brother who also has gone a bit weird.
I am researching fillers and plastic surgery, she has given me a complex.

Found it hard to vote on this one as yes, your aunt was very rude commenting on your appearance and then not catering but realistically she didn’t give you fatty liver disease. That’s not possible over the course of one holiday

I would hate someone to say that to me even though I know I have aged a great deal in the last 6 years. The camera and the mirror tell me that loud and clear. Sometimes DH upsets me by staring at photo from 10 years and saying how lovely I look. He doesn't mean to be nasty but I must tell him to stop! Try to ignore your aunt. You have a happy marriage which is worth much more than thick hair.

I endured 3 weeks but luckily there were some other relatives who took me out for meals and tried to send food for me because they all know what this aunt is like.
She would ask what I would like to eat but then just make chips
When I came back to the UK I got diagnosed with fatty liver!

I haven't even bothered reading the responses, because this bit is so unreasonable @Droopydroopingdropped . Fatty liver takes years to develop. You are being ridiculously dramatic. If you have fatty liver, it's nothing to do with your aunt and everything to do with you and your food intake over many years.

She sounds awful. I’m going to guess the country is in South Asia and cultural expectations meant you stayed with her and provided gifts to extended family. The gap between the expectations of family closeness and the reality on the ground must have been difficult. You are not BU to be upset by it all.

You wouldn't get fatty liver disease from a holiday, she could possibly see the symptoms of it and that's what she was commenting on.. You see yourself everyday and don't notice the changes. Fatty liver affects your appearance. Unless you can't speak, can't move of your own free will etc then YABU , you could of said I'm trying to avoid fried food, gone to the shops, ordered food etc, hard to believe you were completely at her mercy. I get it she's annoying and hard work but you can advocate for yourself.

I've lived all over Asia and can picture the scenario you are describing in terms of no easy food options etc (even if you weren't in Asia!). However, I do think you can get yourself out of the cultural mindset of "it will cause a scandal!" If it does, who cares? Why is a scandal worse than you being miserable for three weeks? That sort of attitude is often society's way of making people (and especially women, probably) act against their own interests. I might have had the same approach as you when I was younger, but these days I would have made up a reason to cut my trip short (so my aunt could save face with the relatives) and get the hell out of there.

Okay okay
Gosh I shouldn't have mentioned the fatty liver!
I must have been on the cusp but endless days of fried chips pushed me over the threshold which would not have happened if I had been eating normal food
Plus my skin broke out
I feel my aunt is quite misogynistic
After the first week I thought about coming home but then that seemed rude and there were other relatives who seemed happy to see me so why spoil the reunion because of her? So I persevered.
I did have a nice time when I wasn't with her.

Another example if we were going out anywhere and I was ready she would keep telling me to get ready- so passive aggressive!

I told her 3 times that yes I was ready but she would still say it. I don't know what she was expecting me to do!

I am feeling particularly down about it today.
Other times I can just laugh about it and be glad I got out before the bombing started.

If she had been horrible about my appearance but provided meals I wouldn't have minded as much!

Anyway, lesson learned.

My own mother was an angel in comparison and would never ever make disparaging comments about anyone least of all me. I lost my biggest cheerleader several years ago and I went to see her sister thinking I would get some love and comfort. I got nothing but abuse and hunger and crap skin.
Thanks auntie.

There are places in the UK where you can be many miles from shops and takeaway food outlets! I'm sure there are many more worldwide. If you don't have access to transport you're reliant on your hosts. Of course the OP didn't develop a fatty liver in 3 weeks of fried food but her aunt was rude and inhospitable. If the flights were expensive then the OP probably didn't have money to change them to return early or to move out and stay elsewhere.

I can't think of a single country in which you can not go out and buy food

I probably would have gone to the supermarket and did a shop, then either stayed up extra late one night or gotten up very early one morning to do my cooking without her knowing and cooked for 2-3 days but that’s just me. Your aunt does sound like one of those people who’s set in their ways but a lot of older people are like that. I would take less notice of her comments and focus more on being responsible and conscious of my food choices in future -I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way.

If you’re invited to stay with a relative, you don’t expect to be self catering! Offer to help, yes, but OP was treated horribly.

"I lost my biggest cheerleader several years ago and I went to see her sister thinking I would get some love and comfort. I got nothing but abuse and hunger and crap skin."

I feel for you. You were missing your Mum and felt that the relative who kept asking you to stay would give you a bit of that motherly feeling.

So it was a massive let down. To me it sounds like you had a full on three week immersion in the opposite of therapy. You got an undeserved daily verbal and emotional kicking from this person who sounds a bit deranged anyway.
I think you might benefit from seeing someone to talk through your grief about your DM. And also to get this horrible visit out of your system.. so that you can move on with what sounds like a very happy and successful life at home.

On the plus side. You did find some relatives were very kind, so all is not lost., And you don't have to visit this horrible Miss Haversham aunt ever again. She sounds quite jealous of you actually.
You said you are in a happy marriage.
Yes you are going through Menopause but there so many things you can do about that... inc keep taking all the vitamins, exercising, prioritising yourself and your health - you've found out about your liver in time to do something about your issues.

It must have been expensive. But plan a much better holiday with people you love and start saving and looking forward to that. Wishing you all the best.

@Droopydroopingdropped you’ve made me fancy chips now!

Was avoiding the scandal worth getting fatty liver disease?

There are plenty of 7/11 shops in Asia as well as supermarkets, same for Africa. There are also plenty of foodarkets. The poster could have gone out and got food but chose not too

I'm originally from Eastern Europe and I too get comments from all the aunties the second I step through the door. Even if they're positive comments, the feeling of being assessed up and down the second you step through the door is horrible.

But you are a grown woman. I would have never stayed with a relative (and yes, i know you get lots of guilt and comments). And you are a grown woman, after the first 2 or 3 days you can see it's not working, you need to take charge.

So on balance YABU.

I don't know why you are getting such a hard time on here, OP.

I can well imagine it was a horrible and awkward 3 weeks, from what you describe.

Not everywhere has shops to hand where you can just pop out and buy yourself a range of healthy snacks.

And not everyone feels comfortable insisting in cooking in somebody else's home, if they aren't given permission to do so.

My DB struggles when he goes to stay with his MIL, as she lives on salad, and doesn't like anyone cooking in her house as she feels it messes up her kitchen (I think she may had undiagnosed OCD). Salad is healthy at least, but he gets pretty hungry after a week or so! But she would be very offended if he went out and bought himself a load of alternative food to eat....

His solution? He tries to limit visits there - he and his partner host her quite often instead (she is happy to eat a range of foods in their home, though small portions + she is weight-conscious).

OP, I would simply put it behind you and not go again!

And try not to worry about her comments on your looks. She is clearly a strange person. If you are happy with your appearance, and your partner still seems attracted to you, what does it matter what anybody else thinks? Especially a strange, rude person in another country.....

Honestly, just forget what was said and the whole situation, because lesson learnt, you're not going back. Or at least if you do go back, you know to stay in a hotel.

Now is time to move on. Time to use the experience to help you. Menoupause can be rough on the best of us, but you want to live a long and healthy retirement, so use this as your push to make some changes.

Get yourself a nice cut and colour, it can do wonders. Then, make sure you're making healthy but yummy food choices. Push yourself to go for at least a half hour walk every day.

I didn't have a horrid holiday, but I did have a bit of a health crisis at 58 that gave me the kick I needed (mine did also include a fatty liver). I'm now over 60 but healthier than I've been in years and because I don't have any aging aunts to tell me otherwise, I think I look pretty damn decent for my age too.

Make some changes and while you may not thank your aunt for her comments, let them push you to become healthy again.

Ah yes the miraculously fast growing type!

To come back saying she abused you, you got a fatty liver from eating chips and that you were going to get fillers etc does point to something else going on OP.

You're right. But if you're treated horribly, you don't have to accept it. Doing nothing is a choice

Did your liver get like that in three weeks then?

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this
It means a lot and yes, I should appreciate what I have here at home
My aunt said and did some other things I dont want to go into and I certainly don't want to stoop to her level and point out all her physical flaws but looking back, I do wonder if she is bitter and upset about her own life and took it out on me
I tried not to be a burden on her
I thought money might be an issue so when she asked me what I wanted to eat I asked for simple veg and daal dishes but she wouldnt even make those!
I will laugh about it one day but at the moment it hurts too much 💔

Your aunt probably shouldn't have said those things, but are they true?

Also, it may be the case that it was the three weeks of chips that tipped the balance, but you had to have been teetering on the brink in that case.

Perhaps your diet hasn't been so great for a while and that can can be reflected in appearance. Maybe what is upsetting to you now, might be the catalyst to looking at your diet and lifestyle and making changes if you think you need them.

You actually sound like a petulant teen not an adult.
Not allowed in the kitchen........did she have armed guards or something?
You say I am hungry, I am going to cook a meal. If that isnt acceptable I am going to stay in a hotel until I can get an early flight home.

And then do it.

Scandal? You dont even live there and you cannot possibly be nteresting enough to cause an actual scandal for going home.

Think you're getting a hard time on here OP. Ppl have fixated on one aspect of the post.

I have a difficult family & visiting can be hard. I felt you sounded like a bit of a people pleaser (like me!) and maybe we can both learn from our experiences - don't stay so long, don't stay with family & just get a hotel if you can. 3 weeks would drive anyone insane. Don't go for so long again imo, and remember no matter what ppl say, if it's that bad you don't need to go at all. She's extended family & you don't owe her 3 week chunks of your life.

Your aunt sounds old fashioned and judgemental. Try to ground yourself with positive things, remind yourself you're not there anymore - I get a sort of hangover effect from being with family, carrying all the difficult things they said with me, focusing on that. What I should do, and what I'd encourage you to do, is to settle back in properly at home - go out for a coffee, go for a walk, focus on building a positive routine at home, not mulling over stuff she said.

No filler, no plastic surgery 😊 you'd just be letting the old hag make your decisions for you if you went down that route 😆 you don't need to change anything other than your people pleasing gal. You will be ok - take a step back from family for a bit maybe and look after yourself. Self care always a must on returning home from a rough family visit!