AIBU to think that people should be able to take a hint?

[OtterlyMad]

I’ve just experienced an awkward situation where an acquaintance (friend of a friend who I’ve known for years and see occasionally at parties, barbecues, etc.) invited me to meet up, I believe with the hope of us becoming friends. She’s really not my cup of tea so I made polite excuses but she just kept asking. Even when I ignored her she then prompted me for an answer a few days later. It was excruciating. In the end I was forced to be direct and basically say “thank you for the kind offer but I don’t think we have enough in common to be friends”. I knew she would take it badly no matter what because she’s incredibly sensitive, which is actually one of the reasons I don’t want to be friends. Well she never responded to that last message and ever since has been very cold and it’s awkward if we bump into each other in the street or at social gatherings. I do feel guilty about but I’m also frustrated at being the ‘bad guy’ in this situation and her not getting that I was clearly not interested when by most people’s standards I was being pretty obvious. If she’d just taken the hint then we could have just continued as friendly acquaintances and avoided all this awkwardness!

(For reference we’re both neurotypical white British women).

Anyone else had a similar experience? Or even experience of being on the other side? I never wanted to hurt her feelings but can’t see how it could have been avoided - apart from me accepting the invite, which I don’t think I should have to do.

Where is the exaggeration? And what other choices were available? I have seen people ripped to shreds on MN for ghosting or lying to get out of stuff so I try to avoid that. People just keep suggesting more polite excuses, even though I said I already tried them all. “Be more direct!” they say, “honesty is the best policy!” and then when you’re direct/honest, it’s “God what a bitch”.

Harassment is unwanted, repeated behaviour. It doesn’t have to be sexual.

I don't object to the odd white lie in an awkward situation but no one should have to keep telling the same lie about being busy again and again. Some people are very uncomfortable with lying.

I agree with a pp. This was probably an MLM sales pitch.

if you’ve known each other for years and you have never naturally gravitated towards each other, then it’s strange she wants to be friends now.

Yes I’m the same. I told her I was busy a number of times but saying “sorry but I’m keeping a limit on socialising for the foreseeable future” (one of the suggestions in this thread) would have been an outright lie, because if someone else had invited me round for dinner I would likely say yes! I hate the prospect of being caught out in a lie, and I wouldn’t want to put our mutual friend in an awkward position either, in case the woman asks her “hey any idea why OtterlyMad is limiting her socialising atm?” and mutual friend knows damn well it’s not true.

You shouldn't have been so blunt. It was unkind. You should have just ignored her.

Wow.
If you’re happy to be that direct you should have done from the start.
I mean fine you tried to be evasive and it didn’t work, I know that is annoying.
personally I would have replied with something along the lines of”I have quite a bit on at the moment with work and “x”, but send me your number and I will sort something out”. Then choose to do an odd coffee I mean hey you never know, or just forget to reply to a few things.
I would have found your reply insensitive and frankly rude. Although I may have backed off after the first fob off, yes you should have handled this wildly differently, I think if I got wind of your reply I would back off if you asked people out for a coffee. Just maybe think how you’d like to be treated in the same way .

So, your "hint" was clearly saying you don't think you are capable of being friends with her?

I think I would have just ignored her chaser if I'd already said I had a lot on at the moment.

No, the hints were the multiple responses I gave declining her invites. “Apologies I’m too busy… I don’t have time right now… Sorry that doesn’t work for us…” etc. Plus a few further instances where I ignored her. The message where I said we don’t have enough in common is the blunt bit.

But you can hardly expect her to be all warm and friendly after that reply. I agree, she should have got the message but it still stings when spelled out. Expect her to be cool towards you, which is fine, as you don't want her to be friendly.

It might have been something important she wanted to say, what's so bad about maybe having a coffee with an acquaintance. Could have been anything a surprise for your mutual friend, some gossip you need to be aware of, all sorts of reasons for a private chat, you will never know now. It wouldn't have been my first thought that she was desperate to be besties.

I would have gone for a coffee to see how it went and then make excuses from then on. You never know, you might have got on! I think sometimes it helps to see acquaintances as kind of colleagues you need to keep onside!

I’m not giving the full content of the messages between us because I don’t want to be outing, but it wasn’t just having a quick coffee. One of her suggestions was a dinner with our husbands, another suggestion was a cinema trip, etc. It was clear that she was trying to move from the acquaintance zone into the friend zone. And I respect she was putting herself out there, but she also needs to respect when people say ‘thanks but no thanks’.

Honestly you have done nothing wrong. She sounds insufferable and absolutely tedious - you know she has form for being ‘sensitive’ - so you know you are not compatible so not giving her false hope or wasting her time to only have a more messy situation later if as she has demonstrated to be one of those limpet types. You dodged a bullet and you had sensed that already. Don’t give these types an inch - they will take a mile.

Well, people respond differently to ‘hints’ and some people have thicker skins than others.
You’ve kinda made yourself the bad guy by giving her an explanation that was unnecessarily cold and blunt. You could have said something like
’I’m not really able to commit to meet ups just now, so busy with kids/work/hobbies, I’ll see you the next time we all meet up’ or something similar that isn’t so personal!

Oh blimey! If only she'd taken the bloody hint! I've veered between thinking you were a bit harsh and I was feeling sorry for her but as you've commented further I don't see what else you could've said or done. Some people just can't or don't want to take the hint.

I have an actual friend who doesn't take the hint. I love her dearly but she drives me mad. I might mention I might like to do something, or go somewhere in the future and before I know it she's decided we ARE doing it and she's pinning me down to decide when. And then she comes out with "I'm not taking no for an answer" which makes decide that after all I don't want to do the thing I thought I wanted to do anymore because now I'm under pressure to do actually do it and it doesn't feel like fun anymore.

Well done if you understood any of that. It made sense in my head!
I think this woman will get over it.

You are the bad guy, you were exceptionally rude. You are also limiting yourself to friendships where you only have things in common.

but then why make it a guessing game as this is where cross or mix communication happens.

eg in my experience ask a person if they want to be friends then they say yes and use me as a tool to suit their purposes and then dropped when they didnt need me,

@OtterlyMad plus how was it right for you to expect the best of both, not intrested in being friends but you also didnt want her being cold towards you, ?

You say that you’re both neurotypical, are you sure about that? At least one of you is undiagnosed.

The OP doesnt like the other person. Therefore she doesn’t want to be friends with her. It’s not that complicated.

Oh - so many unreasonable pps blaming OP and calling her a bitch!

What???

OP, you haven't been a bitch. This woman has been remiss in not picking up hints and has pushed you too far. I agree that you could have phrased your response slightly better, but hindsight (from pps on here) is a wonderful thing.

You mention that she's 'sensitive', and I get it. People like this are VERY sensitive to slights, or perceived slights, but so often, as you've found, totally insensitive to hints and kind, gentle rebuffs. They push things (very insensitively, IMO) to the point where reasonable people become exasperated and give it to them with both barrels.

Then they go around being 'hurt'. Nightmare. I avoid these types wherever I can.

Oh - fgs! When will this amateur, armchair diagnosis of neurodiversity end?

There is no evidence for this. Being determined not to take a hint doesn't equate to ND.

Which is fair enough. However, she’s whinging that the person is cold toward her in a group setting after this. Not sure what she thought the outcome of being a total cow bag would be. So clearly she is the one that needs to take the hint. You don’t have to be friends with someone to simply be polite.

I’m not whinging at all, I’m literally just saying what happened… and politeness didn’t work. I’ve said that multiple times too.