AIBU to think that people should be able to take a hint?

[OtterlyMad]

I’ve just experienced an awkward situation where an acquaintance (friend of a friend who I’ve known for years and see occasionally at parties, barbecues, etc.) invited me to meet up, I believe with the hope of us becoming friends. She’s really not my cup of tea so I made polite excuses but she just kept asking. Even when I ignored her she then prompted me for an answer a few days later. It was excruciating. In the end I was forced to be direct and basically say “thank you for the kind offer but I don’t think we have enough in common to be friends”. I knew she would take it badly no matter what because she’s incredibly sensitive, which is actually one of the reasons I don’t want to be friends. Well she never responded to that last message and ever since has been very cold and it’s awkward if we bump into each other in the street or at social gatherings. I do feel guilty about but I’m also frustrated at being the ‘bad guy’ in this situation and her not getting that I was clearly not interested when by most people’s standards I was being pretty obvious. If she’d just taken the hint then we could have just continued as friendly acquaintances and avoided all this awkwardness!

(For reference we’re both neurotypical white British women).

Anyone else had a similar experience? Or even experience of being on the other side? I never wanted to hurt her feelings but can’t see how it could have been avoided - apart from me accepting the invite, which I don’t think I should have to do.

“Well she never responded to that last message and ever since has been very cold and it’s awkward if we bump into each other in the street or at social gatherings.”

What did you expect? Being welcomed with open arms and a great big hug next time you meet?
I respect someone’s honesty if they don’t want to be friends but it would still hurt and I’m not going to be warm and fuzzy when I see them next because they’ve told me they don’t think enough of me to bother to get to know me.

You just have to suck it up like your acquaintance did.

I probably then would have seized the opportunity to say something like “I do appreciate you trying to make all these arrangements, I just can’t commit to anything at the moment or anytime soon, I just have so much on. I do hope you understand, particularly as I find it so hard to get back to messages even at the moment “.

telling someone face to face is so much harder but it’s so much kinder. You can put tone and emphasis in it, you can look at each others faces and expressions. After that you could have then just effectively ghosted her messages. Sure it may have come up again at the next gathering…but as I said on my last post, you just have to keep saying the thing. “I’m so sorry, can you believe, I’m still flat out! Will be for the foreseeable!”…..”I’m so sorry my circumstances have not changed, it’s just too much on for the next 6 months!”. And you just keep saying it.

ive already replied, I don’t really have much more to add. Tbh I don’t think you were aiming to be a bitch or you are insensitive. I do think you were overly blunt, but again as I’ve said before, what’s done is done. You’re not interested in being friends, you’re not willing to be invested in her so don’t invest any more time thinking about it.

Are you sure you're neurotypical?

She needs to get over it. You tried to turn her down nicely and she didn't take the hint so you have her a no she couldn't misunderstand, you weren't nasty. This isn't on you.

I mean I don't get "hints" either, I need someone to be direct with me like you were in the end but I'd have also not responded to you as there's not really anything to say to someone telling you they don't want to be friends so a response is pointless, what did you expect her to say?

Yanbu to not want to be friends with her, not everyone is a good friendship match and yanbu being direct but yabu to expect her to get a hint as not everyone can and yabu to expect a response when you don't want to be friends anyway.

Oh mumsnet don’t do such things. Everyone has more than enough friends in their social circles and just don’t want to encourage the riffraff.

Ouch. I think you've been unnecessarily harsh tbh. I don't think I could knowingly hurt somebody's feelings like that if they hadn't done anything wrong.

I think what you said was OK but you have to take the consequences, which is her being hurt and chilly with you.
As a milder alternative, you might have said sorry but you are already doing far more socialising than you have time or headspace for so you are deliberately not making any new friends for the foreseeable, but you are always glad to have a chat when you bump into her.

Thanks, appreciate the time you’ve taken to write that all out. I do wish I had been more ready for the in-person invite (I was silly not to expect it really) and I agree it would have come across better in person than over message.

I wish I could say ‘no I don’t want to be friends’ to someone. A woman has decided we are friends and pesters me to meet up with her and her kids all the time.
I think she’s attached herself because we have children similar ages, but they don’t get on at all.
I don’t dislike her but she can be so emotionally draining. But when I say ‘no, I’m busy that day’ for example, shell say passive aggressive things like ‘I hope you can find the time in your schedule to see us next week’ or ‘let me know if you think you can manage to squeeze us in this weekend ;)’ , ‘I’m so disappointed you couldnt find time for us.’

It’s such a guilt trip and one of the reasons we’re not going to be friends. She is NT.

So YANBU I wish I could say similar and be damned if she doesn’t like me but I’m too chicken

Well done, OP! She wouldn't take a hint so she needed a shove. Don't be bothered by her behavior.

Oh gawd! Well, your hand was forced. Don't worry about it.

I'm curious whether your mutual friend understood your problem though..

I think this is one of those where there's no good response, only the least worst response. Personally I think one white lie is one thing but you can't be expected to keep doing unsuccessful white lies, sometimes you've no choice but to be blunt like that.

No worries. I thought you might have meant that one 😁

Yes this is precisely the scenario I wanted to avoid!

You're kidding! I am amazed at how many MN posters say they've got no friends. And others responding like it's totally normal.

But she did do something wrong. She was pushy and didn't take the hint.

I have got some sympathy for not knowing how persistent you should be though. I've struggled with friendship before and had people tell me that I give up too soon but then what they tell me I should do sounds really pushy.

I think if people spoke up and said it how it is, knowone would need hints.
Get to the point and done with it.

All the OP needed to say was that she didn’t have time/wasn’t doing other social things right now.

The thing with telling someone bluntly that you don’t want to be their friend is that that essentially means you’re telling them you want nothing to do with them. which is all fine as long as you don’t have to have anything to do with them.

But they’re part of the group she’s in. By telling her to go away the OP means she wants her to shut up and leave her alone, which she has. But now the OP is put out because it’s going to make things awkward in the group. And that is the OP’s doing.

You can’t tell someone to go away and then expect them to stay civil. You just can’t.

The OP got what she wanted by virtue of the fact the woman has now backed off.

She can’t then expect her to keep talking to her.

No one is entitled to another person's time and energy but it still hurts.

But now she’s backed off. And the OP sees that as wrong as well.

The woman can’t win.

If things are awkward in the group now it’s because of the OP’s actions.

She wanted this woman out of her life, now she is. And now the OP is put out because the woman hasn’t replied to her and that’s going to make things awkward in the group.

"Sorry, I don't have a lot of time on my hands at the moment"

You didn't have to make it personal.

I once actually had this from a friend of mine. We’d not seen each other for ages, then she was avoiding me, but she wouldn’t come out and say she wasn’t interested in being a friend (neither was I actually) but sent veiled hints in her textts, never came out and said anything. Eventually she insulted me, did a character assassination on me and ended with yellow love hearts and seemingly still wanted us to talk, we have/had mutual friends. She didn’t block me after this, but I blocked her, I was furious with her. I’d arranged a surprise party for her, which she forgot about and met her in a bar after her mum died even though we’d fallen out. A mutual friend set the latter up, without us both knowing. She even said after we’d bumped into each other and I’d asked for her number (she’d changed it) that she should have ignored me. She’d set up a friendship group, which is how I knew her as I used to go regularly to her house with other female friends. All really weird and is one reason why. I don’t really make new friends.

Nailed it.

I don’t see it as wrong that she’s backed off. I’m relieved. When I said she didn’t respond to my message I was just stating a fact.

“The woman can’t win.” Well she could have won by taking one of the MANY hints that I didn’t want to be her friend and seeking friendship elsewhere, while still enjoying the genial atmosphere at the group gatherings we both attend.