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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that people should be able to take a hint?

203 replies

OtterlyMad · 03/04/2026 15:07

I’ve just experienced an awkward situation where an acquaintance (friend of a friend who I’ve known for years and see occasionally at parties, barbecues, etc.) invited me to meet up, I believe with the hope of us becoming friends. She’s really not my cup of tea so I made polite excuses but she just kept asking. Even when I ignored her she then prompted me for an answer a few days later. It was excruciating. In the end I was forced to be direct and basically say “thank you for the kind offer but I don’t think we have enough in common to be friends”. I knew she would take it badly no matter what because she’s incredibly sensitive, which is actually one of the reasons I don’t want to be friends. Well she never responded to that last message and ever since has been very cold and it’s awkward if we bump into each other in the street or at social gatherings. I do feel guilty about but I’m also frustrated at being the ‘bad guy’ in this situation and her not getting that I was clearly not interested when by most people’s standards I was being pretty obvious. If she’d just taken the hint then we could have just continued as friendly acquaintances and avoided all this awkwardness!

(For reference we’re both neurotypical white British women).

Anyone else had a similar experience? Or even experience of being on the other side? I never wanted to hurt her feelings but can’t see how it could have been avoided - apart from me accepting the invite, which I don’t think I should have to do.

OP posts:
WalkDontWalk · 04/04/2026 13:40

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/04/2026 19:00

I cannot imagine a scenario where I would tell someone I didn’t think we had enough in common to be friends, unless there had been some huge fallout. There are a million ways to handle this without causing offence.

Firstly I think its grossly self-aggrandising and presumptuous to put yourself in a position of assumed superiority like that when you don’t know someone’s motives.

Also OP could easily have been direct about not wanting to meet this woman, which would have been fine, without the arrogance.

Now she is surprised that this woman has reacted negatively. Its all incredibly hypocritical.

Show quote history

Oh, I don't disagree with you about the OP.

I'm just making the more general point that I've never had that thought, so I'm a bit surprised that it seems to be broadly accepted without comment that that's a thought that people have.

AlongtheWall · 04/04/2026 13:44

Most people would just keep saying things like sorry I’m too busy at the moment or I’m limiting my social activities fr the foreseeable. Even in person. Persistent messaging doesn’t have to be responded to after a couple of initial polite messages, if they don’t get the hint.

Yes it is a white lie. Because most people learn that a response like yours would most likely lead to awkwardness and undercurrents in group situations where you know you’re going to come across them again. You are of course free to say what you want. Different actions have different consequences.

hkathy · 04/04/2026 13:49

Yeh I was on the other end of this, I moved back to my home town and got back in touch with a friend from school who now has kids the same age as mine, to meet for a coffee/ play date. She just said no, I don’t have the capacity for more friends.
It was a bit heartbreaking I’m not going to lie.

smallglassbottle · 04/04/2026 14:00

Who would keep pestering though? It's well known that you don't keep asking. Take the hint. I'm autistic and even I know not to keep foisting myself on someone. It's desperate and cringe.

Thingsthatgo · 04/04/2026 14:04

If you are going to be blunt you need to accept some awkwardness- it goes hand in hand.
I am quite blunt, it makes my DH grimace a bit sometimes because he is all subtext and hints. I am happy to acknowledge that my straightforwardness can create a little tension sometimes.

Fafner · 04/04/2026 14:05

hkathy · 04/04/2026 13:49

Yeh I was on the other end of this, I moved back to my home town and got back in touch with a friend from school who now has kids the same age as mine, to meet for a coffee/ play date. She just said no, I don’t have the capacity for more friends.
It was a bit heartbreaking I’m not going to lie.

What would you have preferred? I mean, would you have preferred her to meet you on sufferance?

MrsMaryHaward · 04/04/2026 14:11

You told her that you felt you had nothing on common with her, didn’t want to meet her for a 20 minutes and had no interest in getting to know her.

You literally told her you don’t want a conversation with her - how is she still talking to you.

You could have said no I’m sorry socially I have too much on etc but you made it personal, of course she reacts personally. I surprised at her tolerance. NT or not for most people it requires a bit of courage to invite someone for a coffee she gave you a chance and you smacked her hard with a no.

Booboobagins · 04/04/2026 14:15

I voted YABU because you think you know her but you don't, do you? She sounds shy/akward even and asked to meet with you. You then fobbed her off and ended up being blunt without even knowing why she wanted to meet with you or why, if it was for friendship, she even thought you two could be friends.

If you really Cba, then you could have been a lot less confrontational than you were, so you are the bad guy imo.

When you can, be kind.

hazelberry · 04/04/2026 14:31

I'm not sure how you expected her to act around you after you basically told her you don't like her.

Coclare · 04/04/2026 14:38

I think you handled this well. She was pushy and didn’t take the hint. She was relentless and you had no other option but to be blunt as she was escalating the situation, hounding and trying to dominate you.

She is clearly one of those characters who is very emotionally ‘sensitive’ - but only sensitive to themselves having zero sensitivity to the impact they have on others.

I’m a fan of ‘ghosting’ with these types if they don’t get the hint as it forces them to look at back at texts if all it is is you having to repeat yourself. But you had the added pressure of further relentless face to face hassle so you had no option but to be direct - it needed doing.

Be proud of yourself. You owe her nothing. You have no obligation to incorporate some additional random acquaintance into your life. I expect you have done her a favour and maybe she will reflect on her poor inappropriate social skills. You won’t be the first or the last person who has shaken off this bothersome, tedious character.

watchingthishtread · 04/04/2026 14:43

You seem stubbornly unaware of how rude you've been. You're the one in this story who is failing to grasp social norms, not her.

GivesYourHosieryaFright · 04/04/2026 14:51

Coclare · 04/04/2026 14:38

I think you handled this well. She was pushy and didn’t take the hint. She was relentless and you had no other option but to be blunt as she was escalating the situation, hounding and trying to dominate you.

She is clearly one of those characters who is very emotionally ‘sensitive’ - but only sensitive to themselves having zero sensitivity to the impact they have on others.

I’m a fan of ‘ghosting’ with these types if they don’t get the hint as it forces them to look at back at texts if all it is is you having to repeat yourself. But you had the added pressure of further relentless face to face hassle so you had no option but to be direct - it needed doing.

Be proud of yourself. You owe her nothing. You have no obligation to incorporate some additional random acquaintance into your life. I expect you have done her a favour and maybe she will reflect on her poor inappropriate social skills. You won’t be the first or the last person who has shaken off this bothersome, tedious character.

Why don't you invite OP for coffee?

You probably have a lot in common and you could bond over stories about how you have asserted your superiority over these inferior "types" by spitefully shaking off annoying people who mistakenly thought you might be nice people and good company.

Don't be surprised if you get a nasty dose of your own medicine though...

Doggymummar · 04/04/2026 14:54

OtterlyMad · 03/04/2026 15:29

I definitely don’t need warm or gushy I just don’t want it to be awkward for everyone else.

Out of interest, how do you think I should have declined the invite? Without just lying, as has been suggested.

Show quote history

I would have said, no thank you, I don't want to. Is that worse?

Never2many · 04/04/2026 14:55

Also there is your assumption that this woman, having been clearly served her notice, should now move back into her correct role as being an extra in your social life and not make things awkward for you. You think she should now pass round the drinks and make light hearted small talk with you and your real friends and not have any emotions. Main character syndrome. I think this pretty much nails it.

So the OP doesn’t like this woman and has essentially told her to do one.

Except now she expects the woman to get back in her place so to speak and is judging the fact she’s no longer speaking to her.

If you essentially tell someone you can’t stand them you can’t then be surprised or even offended when they decide to cut you off.

And then there’s the chance of the wider friendship group finding out and seeing the OP for what she is.

And in response to PP, no, it is not something to be remotely proud of. OP sounds like one of the school bullies.

Sosaidkaye · 04/04/2026 15:07

Just based on your thread titled, YABU because some people find it extremely difficult to pick up on hints and they can’t help it. There’s no “should” about it.

It sounds like this woman was deliberately pushy because she (correctly) assumed you would find it difficult to say no. But then you did and now she’s pissed off. There’s no need to feel awkward about it. She’s backed off, that’s the main thing. I think you did what was necessary in the situation.

I am crap at taking hints but I would never badger anyone like you have described her doing.
She wasn’t just not picking up on your hints, she was ignoring them. There is a big difference.

shhblackbag · 04/04/2026 15:10

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 03/04/2026 16:00

What did you expect her to say to you? How would you like it if the same was said to you by someone else?

Nothing wrong with what you said, but you can't expect her not to be cold. You have to be OK living with the awkwardness you created. She doesn't owe you kindness you didn't afford her.

shhblackbag · 04/04/2026 15:12

Also there is your assumption that this woman, having been clearly served her notice, should now move back into her correct role as being an extra in your social life and not make things awkward for you. You think she should now pass round the drinks and make light hearted small talk with you and your real friends and not have any emotions. Main character syndrome.

Nailed it. And this is very unreasonable of you, OP.

Tink3rbell30 · 04/04/2026 18:11

Let's hope you're never lonely enough to pluck up the courage to try and make a new friend and get told that you're personally not liked and to go away basically.

paradisecircus · 04/04/2026 18:40

I don't think what you said was that bad, however I might just have said 'sorry I can't meet up at the moment' and tried to leave it there. She might soften up a bit given time, and at least you won't need to be bothered with her asking you again.

WhatNoRaisins · 04/04/2026 19:45

I'm torn because on the one hand I think it's inevitable that you'd take that sort of response badly. On the other hand you have to waste so much time chasing dead ends when you try to make new friends that I like to think I'd at least try to see the silver lining in as direct a rejection as that.

BuildbyNumbere · 06/04/2026 14:34

You said what you wanted to say but you are BU to expect her to carry on like nothing happened.

Original poster
OtterlyMad · 06/04/2026 15:14

FKAT · 04/04/2026 11:30

I don't think there was anything wrong with what you said but you must understand that as white British middle aged (I assume) women it's not usual to be so direct so that indicates a lack of understanding of wider social norms on your part.

Also there is your assumption that this woman, having been clearly served her notice, should now move back into her correct role as being an extra in your social life and not make things awkward for you. You think she should now pass round the drinks and make light hearted small talk with you and your real friends and not have any emotions. Main character syndrome.

What you said was fair enough if you never plan to come across her again, but in the wider context of your friendships, you've made a boo boo.

Edited

A lot of people are misunderstanding my post and think I’m annoyed that she didn’t respond to my last message and is now acting cold. No, what I’m annoyed about is that she didn’t take the multiple hints and forced me to be blunt just to get her to stop pestering me. I do understand social norms which is why I know my message was unusually direct and would be taken badly but I felt backed into a corner. If it were a man harassing me to the same extent as this woman did then I believe the responses here would be more supportive of my message but somehow because it’s a woman she gets a free pass… hmm.

OP posts:
decorationday · 06/04/2026 15:17

OtterlyMad · 06/04/2026 15:14

A lot of people are misunderstanding my post and think I’m annoyed that she didn’t respond to my last message and is now acting cold. No, what I’m annoyed about is that she didn’t take the multiple hints and forced me to be blunt just to get her to stop pestering me. I do understand social norms which is why I know my message was unusually direct and would be taken badly but I felt backed into a corner. If it were a man harassing me to the same extent as this woman did then I believe the responses here would be more supportive of my message but somehow because it’s a woman she gets a free pass… hmm.

Show quote history

She didn't force you to do anything. You made a choice. And now you're exaggerating to justify your choice. Other choices were available.

Or are you now claiming that she was sexually harassing you? Because that puts such a different colour on things that I am surprised it wasn't in your original post.

Fafner · 06/04/2026 15:20

OtterlyMad · 06/04/2026 15:14

A lot of people are misunderstanding my post and think I’m annoyed that she didn’t respond to my last message and is now acting cold. No, what I’m annoyed about is that she didn’t take the multiple hints and forced me to be blunt just to get her to stop pestering me. I do understand social norms which is why I know my message was unusually direct and would be taken badly but I felt backed into a corner. If it were a man harassing me to the same extent as this woman did then I believe the responses here would be more supportive of my message but somehow because it’s a woman she gets a free pass… hmm.

Show quote history

I’m not in the least unsupportive of your message. I just think that you need to acknowledge that you can’t control other people’s behaviour, and that this applies in your case to both her continued attempts to get you to socialise with her in the face of your repeated excuses and her response to your frankness.

Happysummerrain · 06/04/2026 15:21

It’s not socially acceptable to reject a friendship, at least not from my experience as a Brit. Usually, people indirectly reject people, by saying they’d love to but they’re unable to at the moment due to being busy/ill. It’s generally not acceptable to outright say: no, I’m not interested in having a friendship with you. Although, it would be more mature and amiable for her to sustain a polite acquaintance, people don’t always respond well to personal rejection.