AIBU to think that people should be able to take a hint?

[OtterlyMad]

I’ve just experienced an awkward situation where an acquaintance (friend of a friend who I’ve known for years and see occasionally at parties, barbecues, etc.) invited me to meet up, I believe with the hope of us becoming friends. She’s really not my cup of tea so I made polite excuses but she just kept asking. Even when I ignored her she then prompted me for an answer a few days later. It was excruciating. In the end I was forced to be direct and basically say “thank you for the kind offer but I don’t think we have enough in common to be friends”. I knew she would take it badly no matter what because she’s incredibly sensitive, which is actually one of the reasons I don’t want to be friends. Well she never responded to that last message and ever since has been very cold and it’s awkward if we bump into each other in the street or at social gatherings. I do feel guilty about but I’m also frustrated at being the ‘bad guy’ in this situation and her not getting that I was clearly not interested when by most people’s standards I was being pretty obvious. If she’d just taken the hint then we could have just continued as friendly acquaintances and avoided all this awkwardness!

(For reference we’re both neurotypical white British women).

Anyone else had a similar experience? Or even experience of being on the other side? I never wanted to hurt her feelings but can’t see how it could have been avoided - apart from me accepting the invite, which I don’t think I should have to do.

I actually admire you just being honest and not having to waste your time with someone you don’t want to spend time with! Someone I have known for years is not very good at getting the hint that I don’t want to see them so to avoid hurting their feelings I end up meeting up every month or so. This is much less often than they ask to see me but every time I wish I could work out how to phase them out!!

Mate, if you’re going to say that, then I don’t think you’re justified in questioning her reaction

that’s not a criticism like, but if you’re ballsey enough to. Say what you did, you ought to be tough enough to brush off the aftermath 😂

I think your mistake is offering excuses. The more vague you can be, the better. some people hear excuses as a problem to solve.

Practice saying something like, “No …that won’t work for me,” slowly and if pressed, repeat it again, even more vaguely.

“No, that’s not for me”
”No, I’d rather not”
”No, I don’t think so”

and best of all if you can manage it

”no but thank you” with a warm smile.

No - she was a bitch. She had the choice of refusing based on a lifestyle reason ( too busy etc) or making a personal comment ( I'm just not that into you) and she chose that personal train and is wondering why it's gone down badly.

She made polite excuses but they didn't sink in.

I became friends with them because we liked each other and got on, and circumstances led to that becoming apparent. But there was no pre-friendship moment at which I thought "I'd like to be your friend."

I found it interesting that you said you are both NT. Normally I think "they might be ND" is massively overused on this site by people trying to excuse someone's behaviour when they're not even the ones who were on the receiving end. But in this case I do wonder if this person is as NT as you assume (and I speak as a person who probably isn't entirely NT either). There are two obvious signs for me - the fact that she's so "sensitive" and the fact that she didn't seem to recognise your obvious hints. This does not mean you have to be her friend, of course. It's just one possible interpretation of how things turned out as they did.

It's done now, and there's not a lot of point in dwelling on it. I would just say a brief and polite hello if you see her again, and not expect anything more. But if you ever find yourself in the same situation with a different person, or for anyone else with an annoying would-be friend - I wonder if there might be a case for meeting them, and without being obviously rude, just exaggeratedly playing the role of exactly the sort of person they wouldn't want to be friends with. So if they're very right-wing, you be very left-wing, and outspoken about it. If they're always banging on about their ailments, imply that you think the best thing to do is just stay positive and get on with life. If they ask for a lot of advice, say "it's none of my business, you know the situation best. " Just don't give them what they want. They'd almost certainly pull away from you without you having to feel like the bad guy.

The problem with this though, if you have someone that isn’t good at taking hints, is they continue to pester you. The person who I was talking about above messages me multiple times every week. Sometimes I completely ignore, sometimes I am busy and say so, but I feel I am constantly expected to say why I can’t meet them which makes me feel monitored, it’s annoying!

Nowhere have I suggested that I am “superior”
to this woman (except perhaps in that I am better at interpreting social cues than she is). I said she is not my cup of tea and we don’t have much in common.

I am not worried about it “getting back” to our mutual friend, as I already told her and she agrees we would not be suited as friends (which is why she had never encouraged a friendship between us or suggested hanging out as a trio!)

I think you’ve misunderstood my first quote. I recommended that she needs to let the situation be. She’s closed the friendship down and now there’s not really anywhere it can go. It’s quite unclear what she wants from the situation so she needs to move on.

Yes and no.

I have a couple of people who I find very draining because their live are incredibly hard and they don't really want solutions to their problems so meeting up is just listening to them complain and basically being a therapist for an hour or so.

But I do it because I care about them and it's what they need to feel like someone cares in the midst of all the shit they have to live through.

I see it as a caring thing to do for another human.

You are obviously not as caring and that's fine, but I think it's good to think of others and make a little space in our lives for those who need us.

I keep strong boundaries with my two, we meet only once every 6-8 weeks, one of them I meet at a cafe for strictly 90 minutes and I invent an appointment I have to be at so I have to have on time, the other I go to hers for two hours to play board games, again I'm strict on needing to get home for bed.

But the key thing is that I like them as people and have compassion for them so struggling it's draining I do want to be there for them.

You obviously don't like this woman, which is fine, there are people I don't like too, so in that case just be happy that she's no longer speaking to you. I'm not really sure what other outcome you wanted.

I don’t think you were necessarily wrong, but I don’t think she’s wrong either. You basically said, ‘I don’t like you enough to be your friend’ which is basically the same as, ‘I don’t like you.’

If someone said that to me, I would be keeping my distance - as much for them as for me seeing as they clearly have no interest in talking to or spending time with me!

@Malinia the OP doesn't have to support an emotional vampire if she doesn't want to.

She’s really not my cup of tea so I made polite excuses but she just kept asking.

This is on you OP. You could have said, "Things are really busy for me now; I'll get in touch if things clear a bit" with the same effect, and been left alone.

As an aside, as a foreigner living in the UK this was one of the most difficult things to parse. "We must get together sometime" = see you on the 14th of Never.

If you have something to say then say it

You don't know what she said when she made polite excuses though. There's no guarantee that she'd have been left alone if she'd adopted your suggestion.

I'm largely speaking with you, OP. Women hate when men don't take hints that mean "no", why should women be any different?

If people don't respond to the first two requests without enthusiasm and some level of commitment (and especially if they make any sort of comment that means "not now" or "I don't want to"), stop asking! Women can be "just not that into you" as well!

I feel like you could have done more ghosting. I wouldn't usually ghost but if someone asked me three or four times and I said no, then I'd feel ok about ghosting.

At the party you were blindsided but you could have been diplomatic and said "yeah, that would be nice, hang on, I just have to reply to this message" and purposefully drifted away. Think senior politicians who want to appear friendly but don't want to get caught up committing to meetings. That's why they have entourages of SPADs to deflect people without hurting their feelings. You have to be your own entourage and take charge of the situation by saying "Yeah! Great! So busy isn't it at the moment! Would you like another drink?" and deliberately not reply to the question, then move away. It's really hard to do though and takes some balls.

You didn’t do anything wrong, OP, unless it was perhaps not nipping it in the bud far sooner. But, as I seem to end up saying a lot on Mn, you can’t control anyone else’s actions or responses, only your own. You couldn’t make this woman understand your hints and refusals to agree a date to socialise, and now you can’t control how she’s responded to your direct ‘no’. That’s just life. You did the right thing. Just accept there are consequences, but they’re almost certainly better than fending her off. She feels how she feels, though, and there’s nothing you can do about that.

I don't think there was anything wrong with what you said but you must understand that as white British middle aged (I assume) women it's not usual to be so direct so that indicates a lack of understanding of wider social norms on your part.

Also there is your assumption that this woman, having been clearly served her notice, should now move back into her correct role as being an extra in your social life and not make things awkward for you. You think she should now pass round the drinks and make light hearted small talk with you and your real friends and not have any emotions. Main character syndrome.

What you said was fair enough if you never plan to come across her again, but in the wider context of your friendships, you've made a boo boo.

And I did say that. But she now needs to live with the consequences of how rudely she communicated that. She can't cut someone off then wring her hands over the other woman not speaking to her!

Well she never responded to that last message and ever since has been very cold and it’s awkward if we bump into each other in the street or at social gatherings

How were you expecting/hoping for things to proceed after your text message? Did you think they’d just go back to normal at social gatherings? That was always going to be highly unlikely.

I think you just need to accept that things are going to be awkward and strained when you bump into each other. You obviously have a sufficiently low opinion of her such that even meeting up for a coffee would be intolerable. Now she doesn’t seem to think much of you either. On the bright side, the text messages that were causing you stress have stopped. 🙂

Then you could have responded with something like:

“I’m just not able to plan much into the future at the moment for various reasons. Let’s just leave it and if I ever foresee that I’ve got time available to meet you, I’ll get in touch. See you at mutual friend’s birthday”

Then obviously you wouldn’t get in touch, but you’ve been clearer that she shouldn’t keep contacting you, plus you you’ve indicated you won’t be seeing her before the next time you’re both with mutual friend.

You've been honest and now she's reacting honestly too. I don't see the problem..

She was presumably more friendly before in the hope that the 2 of you could become actual friends. Perhaps her thoughts were that you did have stuff in common?

Now you've said that it's a no go, she's quit expending her energy in social niceties for the sake of it.

How did you think she'd react? You sound surprised so I'm wondering what you thought she'd do?