AIBU to think that people should be able to take a hint?

[OtterlyMad]

I’ve just experienced an awkward situation where an acquaintance (friend of a friend who I’ve known for years and see occasionally at parties, barbecues, etc.) invited me to meet up, I believe with the hope of us becoming friends. She’s really not my cup of tea so I made polite excuses but she just kept asking. Even when I ignored her she then prompted me for an answer a few days later. It was excruciating. In the end I was forced to be direct and basically say “thank you for the kind offer but I don’t think we have enough in common to be friends”. I knew she would take it badly no matter what because she’s incredibly sensitive, which is actually one of the reasons I don’t want to be friends. Well she never responded to that last message and ever since has been very cold and it’s awkward if we bump into each other in the street or at social gatherings. I do feel guilty about but I’m also frustrated at being the ‘bad guy’ in this situation and her not getting that I was clearly not interested when by most people’s standards I was being pretty obvious. If she’d just taken the hint then we could have just continued as friendly acquaintances and avoided all this awkwardness!

(For reference we’re both neurotypical white British women).

Anyone else had a similar experience? Or even experience of being on the other side? I never wanted to hurt her feelings but can’t see how it could have been avoided - apart from me accepting the invite, which I don’t think I should have to do.

This, don’t give it out if you can’t take it back

I would have asked why she wanted to meet and then if she replied that it was purely social reasons I would decline, if pushed I would just say ‘no thank you, I do not want to, I don’t have a lot of free time’

Unkind. Unnecessary.

But now you’re saying it’s awkward seeing her around as she’s blanking you and it seems you will be awkward seeing her at social events with mutual friends? Or have I got the latter wrong?

She obviously didn’t take your hints but as pp said a better way to have handled this would’ve been to meet face to face. Some people aren’t good at reading hints.

It might have been to organise surprise party for
mutual friend. I would ask for the reason ?

Her worst "crime" was thinking you were a nice person who she thought might be a potential friend. Absolutely nothing wrong with that except that you have turned out not to be a nice person.

You rejected her friendly overtures and now think she is the bad person for feeling hurt. She probably feels knocked back and doesn't know what to do or say.

What on earth do you expect her to do? She is definitely not the bad person here.

OP, you were rude. I would have been upset too.

Something less personal to her would have been much better eg. “Really sorry but I just don’t have any spare time these days. Work is frantic, DM needs a lot of help and DP and I pass like ships in the night.”

if she keeps on messaging you, you don’t have to reply.

I probably then would have seized the opportunity to say something like “I do appreciate you trying to make all these arrangements, I just can’t commit to anything at the moment or anytime soon, I just have so much on. I do hope you understand, particularly as I find it so hard to get back to messages even at the moment “.

“I’m so sorry, can you believe, I’m still flat out! Will be for the foreseeable!”…..”I’m so sorry my circumstances have not changed, it’s just too much on for the next 6 months!”.

I guess everyone’s different, but I personally would find this kind of transparently dishonest waffle absolutely infuriating, and way more insulting than the honest and direct answer OP gave. I’d also wonder what the hell was wrong with a grown woman that she couldn’t just say directly that she didn’t want to meet.

Sorry OP but I think you’re trying to have this both ways and you can’t.

You were very blunt with her. Some would say direct, I would say rude and quite arrogant. It just isn’t necessary in my opinion to speak to people like this. There are tried and tested methods of doing it.

But you did it and if you decide to be that direct with someone who is in your social circle and you can’t avoid them, you can’t then be surprised when there is blowback.

Its an old fashioned view which has got lost amidst everyone’s need to “speak their truth” but there is a place for good old diplomacy. You don’t have to be her friend but you also didn’t have to be an arsehole to her.

Having been an arsehole to her you are now likely to find that others in your circle think you behaved like a bit of an arsehole. Its done now so just own it and don’t be surprised that its had ramifications.

You could as a final olive branch suggest meeting for coffee, explaining things and saying you didn’t want to hurt her feelings but you don’t want to be awkward if you see her around at mutual events. You never know she could be gracious and accept this. Apologise for upsetting her too. Might work might not.

I hope you’re never lonely or in need of a friendly chat. Would it really have been so difficult to meet up for a coffee for an hour to see what she had to say? I have friends that I don’t have much in common with, it’s healthy to be friends with different types of people.

Agree.

I think you did the right thing. I would always people be honest with me even if it's hard to hear at the time. She probably just feels a bit awkward but that's not on you. If you'd carried on with the hints, you would have just ended up feeling awkward and trying to avoid her at social events anyway. I agree with you that she should have taken the hint. Maybe followed up a couple of times max but then left the ball in your court.

Again, I was just relaying events. Of course I would prefer there not to be an awkward atmosphere because it impacts more people than just me and her but ultimately I felt I had exhausted my options (many have suggested less blunt replies which I had already tried “I’m very busy at the moment but looking forward to catching up at the next party” etc.) and frankly I prefer the cold shoulder rather than the anxiety I felt whenever I saw her name pop up on my phone.

I do accept that a face to face conversation would have been better but hindsight is a wonderful thing and all that.

God, no, don't do this OP.

I'm just thinking whether I've ever, in my whole life, met someone and thought, "Ooh, I'd like to be their friend."

I don't think I have.

I've become friends with people I've worked with or who I've been around a few times at functions or at mutual friend's get-togethers or something like that.

But I don't think I've ever tried to arrange to meet up with someone for no reason other than trying to make a friendship happen.

You are wrong. She is not very sensitive. Bulls and china shops come to mind. You did what you had to; now just let it go.

Why did you become friends with them if you didn’t think you’d like to be their friend?

‘Not a lot in common’ was a nice way of putting it. I didn’t come here to do a character assassination of this woman but one of the things that puts me off her the most is that she is so pessimistic and insecure. I come away from conversations with her feeling drained - the exact opposite of “healthy”. I have lots of friends and acquaintances from different circles/backgrounds so I’m not just in an echo chamber but life is too short to spend it with people who suck the joy out of life.

Sometimes you’re pushed to blunt speaking that feels like it’s necessary to get you out of the anxiety-cycle they put you in.

I can see how your response seemed like the decisive thing to do at the time, OP, to put a stop to it.

Unfortunately, it just creates a new anxiety pathway, as you’re finding, OP 💕

she should not have pushed you to it. I bet you’ve never had to before. Constant unwanted messaging takes its toll and drains you.

Could you have been slightly more subtle? yes. Would it have worked? Who knows.

Either way - try and put it behind you. Time will help enormously.

I cannot imagine a scenario where I would tell someone I didn’t think we had enough in common to be friends, unless there had been some huge fallout. There are a million ways to handle this without causing offence.

Firstly I think its grossly self-aggrandising and presumptuous to put yourself in a position of assumed superiority like that when you don’t know someone’s motives.

Also OP could easily have been direct about not wanting to meet this woman, which would have been fine, without the arrogance.

Now she is surprised that this woman has reacted negatively. Its all incredibly hypocritical.

@Thepeopleversuswork

why do you say arrogance? Obviously can’t be sure from a thread, but surely an arrogant person wouldn’t be fretting like OP is now?

Her phrasing ’we don’t have enough in common’ could mean..

your politics or values don’t align with mine
you bitch about everything
you are penny pitching and tight

or a million other things. Perhaps OP was trying to put this as reasonably as she could?

Wanting to talk a situation through anonymously is not the same as having further discussions with the person involved.

Arrogance because:

a) we don’t know what this woman’s motives were for wanting to hang out with OP. She may just want wanted to kill time
b) theres an assumption of superiority as though the OP is better than the other woman

It’s perfectly reasonable to conclude that you don’t want to spend your time with someone but assuming they are petitioning you for your friendship comes across as really big headed.

I also think the OP’s anxiety is more to do with the fact she now realises her high handed approach to this will get back to mutual friends than it has to do with this woman’s feelings.

She seems to be lacking the ability to read the room/normal social hints. That's not your fault. Of course it would've been better not to have been so blunt but in all honestly, sometimes some people leave very little other option than bluntness.