AIBU to think that people should be able to take a hint?

[OtterlyMad]

I’ve just experienced an awkward situation where an acquaintance (friend of a friend who I’ve known for years and see occasionally at parties, barbecues, etc.) invited me to meet up, I believe with the hope of us becoming friends. She’s really not my cup of tea so I made polite excuses but she just kept asking. Even when I ignored her she then prompted me for an answer a few days later. It was excruciating. In the end I was forced to be direct and basically say “thank you for the kind offer but I don’t think we have enough in common to be friends”. I knew she would take it badly no matter what because she’s incredibly sensitive, which is actually one of the reasons I don’t want to be friends. Well she never responded to that last message and ever since has been very cold and it’s awkward if we bump into each other in the street or at social gatherings. I do feel guilty about but I’m also frustrated at being the ‘bad guy’ in this situation and her not getting that I was clearly not interested when by most people’s standards I was being pretty obvious. If she’d just taken the hint then we could have just continued as friendly acquaintances and avoided all this awkwardness!

(For reference we’re both neurotypical white British women).

Anyone else had a similar experience? Or even experience of being on the other side? I never wanted to hurt her feelings but can’t see how it could have been avoided - apart from me accepting the invite, which I don’t think I should have to do.

One of my responses was literally telling her I was busy, she just waited a week and then followed up again. Another time I was on holiday and she messaged me 2 hours after we landed back in the UK! It felt pretty suffocating tbh.

I don’t see how telling someone that you don’t have a great deal in common is on the same level as telling them to “F**k off” but perhaps I am less sensitive than most. I actually decided to use that line after reading previous advice on MN about how to stop being friends with someone without just ghosting them 🤷🏼‍♀️

Imagine if OP said a guy she knew through a friend kept asking her out on a date and she dropped all the usual hints but he wasn't getting it. Should she lie, go on the date or say she's not interested?

I bet everyone calling her cold, harsh and a bitch would have a different response.

Why should OP give up her time and energy for someone she doesn't want to?

She told the truth and wasn't harsh. She didn't tell the this person they were awful, horrible, had X or Y flaws. She said they don't have much in common.

OP ignore the pushovers on here with their 'be kind' crap. You don't owe your time to anyone (except your kids obvs).

Just ignore her sulking mentality and carry on with life and actual friends.

She was hurt because you rejected her.

I prefer people to be direct but you probably should have phrased it more gently to cushion the blow.

This is what the 'It's not you, it's me' phrase is for.

That's not the complaint OP has at all. She's saying the woman should have taken the hint before it got to that point and they could have remained friendly acquaintances but due to the other woman being socially obtuse OP has now had to hurt her feelings.

I've been the person unable to take a hint. But now I can.

Very few socially aware NT people would pester someone with messages to meet up when it's clear they're not interested.

My hunch is that she might have joined an MLM and was being forced by her upline to arrange coffee and a chat with every vague acquaintance she knows. I've only heard of that sort of behaviour from MLM huns. Some pyramid schemes strongly discourage the members to reveal their pitch before meeting the target. However when you wrote that line about not having enough in common to be friends it ended up being an unexpected personal offence, hence why she's annoyed now.

You've literally told someone that you don't like them so I really don't think that you can be surprised they respond in kind.

You basically said I don’t like you and now you’re surprised she’s cold towards you? Riiiiiight.

I would probably have told a white lie tbh like "I'm really sorry but I just don't have the time for more meetups on top of the ones I have - but look forward to seeing you at the nexy gathering!"

Obviously your gentle hints weren't cutting through. Maybe she's lonely and desperate for friends which is why she was persistent. You say she's sensitive but sensitive people are usually also v good at picking up on how others feel. So maybe she's not sensitive, but just emotionally dysregulated?

As others have said, in your shoes I'd have been less direct and just continued being very busy, terribly sorry. Rinse and repeat for the foreseeable.

You were very blunt. It shouldn't come as a surprise she wouldn't reply your last message, and is now being cold towards you. You're overthinking the 'bad guy' vibes...you had no interest being friends with her, so it's no skin off your nose what she thinks of you.

What did you expect her to say to you? How would you like it if the same was said to you by someone else?

Don't be pathetic!

This has really tickled me, now trying to decide if the MLM is Ann Summers or the Cambridge Diet… 😂

This. No need to be unkind. 🙄

What did your friend say? The one this woman is a friend of a friend of. Actually it probably comes as more of a shock to her because you are friends of a friend or were with her. Not acquaintances. And you’ve known each other for years. No wonder she feels hurt.

You shouldn't have just kept hinting, not everyone is good at hints.

Something like "I really enjoy catching up with you at <persons> parties, life is just too full on to catch up one on one just now, see you at the next one" would have been slightly awkward, but so much better.

You must have given some indication that you wanted to meet up in the first place, so it's not entirely her fault. And she has good reason to be cold towards you now. I would probably expect the invites to stop coming when she starts telling people.

So how do you think the OP should have responded?

Or do you think she should have made arrangements and gone out with her even though she doesn’t want to?

I have AWFUL problems with rejection but I wouldn't see anything wrong in OPs message. It wasn't horribly against the other person, it was factual. Not having enough in common to be friends. Not 'you are so awful I wouldn't ever want to be friends with you', but more of a 'I don't think we'd have anything to talk about'. She could even see it as a positive if she wanted 'you're outgoing/like fashion/like socialising more than I can cope with'.

I don't think she's totally wrong to be a bit off with you, OP, but also I don't think you have anything to reproach yourself for.

Exactly, be warned that your friend or friends might drop you if they see how badly you’ve treated a friend of theirs, whom you’ve known for years.

When I've been in a similar situation (didn't want a one-on-one coffee date) I've said I hadn't seen mutual friend for a while, why don't we invite her too? Then leave early, and leave them to it!
Unfortunately, in my case the mutual friend couldn't make it at the last minute, so I was left listening to 'new friend' ranting for an hour! But that was several weeks ago and she hasn't contacted me since!

She could have gone out with her, if things went badly then she’d be right to say, sorry don’t fancy doing that again etc.

We’re not criticising her for her decision not to become friends. Her post isn’t about that. Her post is surprised that the acquaintance is now frosty.

I don't think there was anything wrong with what you said. You were in a situation where she was pushy and you had to be direct. What you said was factual. I don't see why you should have to talk about being busy.

However I don't think she can be expected to be more than minimally civil to you now.

She was being nice

you were rude - rebuffing her invite and then being downright mean

and you wonder why it’s now awkward. 😬

The problem is I was actually getting anxiety whenever I saw her name pop up in my notifications… I did rinse and repeat for a long time but I was at the end of my tether.

You’re right that I’m overthinking, what’s done is done so no point stressing about it. Thank you.