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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think that people should be able to take a hint?

203 replies

OtterlyMad · 03/04/2026 15:07

I’ve just experienced an awkward situation where an acquaintance (friend of a friend who I’ve known for years and see occasionally at parties, barbecues, etc.) invited me to meet up, I believe with the hope of us becoming friends. She’s really not my cup of tea so I made polite excuses but she just kept asking. Even when I ignored her she then prompted me for an answer a few days later. It was excruciating. In the end I was forced to be direct and basically say “thank you for the kind offer but I don’t think we have enough in common to be friends”. I knew she would take it badly no matter what because she’s incredibly sensitive, which is actually one of the reasons I don’t want to be friends. Well she never responded to that last message and ever since has been very cold and it’s awkward if we bump into each other in the street or at social gatherings. I do feel guilty about but I’m also frustrated at being the ‘bad guy’ in this situation and her not getting that I was clearly not interested when by most people’s standards I was being pretty obvious. If she’d just taken the hint then we could have just continued as friendly acquaintances and avoided all this awkwardness!

(For reference we’re both neurotypical white British women).

Anyone else had a similar experience? Or even experience of being on the other side? I never wanted to hurt her feelings but can’t see how it could have been avoided - apart from me accepting the invite, which I don’t think I should have to do.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 03/04/2026 16:13

SnappyOchre · 03/04/2026 15:30

What’s wrong with a little white lie to spare someone’s feelings and avoid the awkwardness you are finding so difficult?

It shouldn't be necessary. She didn't respect the OP's feelings when she was pushy.

ohtobethin · 03/04/2026 16:13

pasturesgreen · 03/04/2026 15:59

As others have said, in your shoes I'd have been less direct and just continued being very busy, terribly sorry. Rinse and repeat for the foreseeable.

You were very blunt. It shouldn't come as a surprise she wouldn't reply your last message, and is now being cold towards you. You're overthinking the 'bad guy' vibes...you had no interest being friends with her, so it's no skin off your nose what she thinks of you.

I disagree with this.

I have some very close friends who are very, very busy. They often say they are just too busy at the moment. I know they are just busy so I don’t worry about them giving me the brush off and I continue to message them.

This woman might be under the same impression and would just keep messaging. That just doesn’t seem fair on anyone.

I also have some not to close friends who were busy a few times, and I took the hint and backed right off. As it happens, oftentimes they were just busy and they then reached out to me. But I had no way of knowing this, so I took the hint and backed off. No issue.

But Op is saying she has tried this. She has tried the hints and the woman isn’t getting it.

Yes, it wasn’t a nice message for the woman to receive. But that’s the OP’s point. If she had taken the hint, she wouldn’t have needed to have been so blunt.

SoSadSoSadSoSad · 03/04/2026 16:14

You got out of being friends with her. You were quite abrupt which is fine. But so what if she’s being cold and unfriendly? Why do you give a shit?

Sartre · 03/04/2026 16:15

I think you did the right thing. It’s ok not to want to spend time with someone you don’t think you’d get on with. The fact she had zero self awareness and kept pushing is frankly bizarre.

newornotnew · 03/04/2026 16:15

OtterlyMad · 03/04/2026 15:29

I definitely don’t need warm or gushy I just don’t want it to be awkward for everyone else.

Out of interest, how do you think I should have declined the invite? Without just lying, as has been suggested.

I would have said 'I just don't have any spare time for extra social things, but I'll see you at <whatever> I'm sure.'

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/04/2026 16:16

I would have told you to fuck off so I actually think she’s being entirely reasonable.

Why are you even complaining? You don’t have to worry about her hassling you to be friends now.

VoltaireMittyDream · 03/04/2026 16:16

I get you, OP. Except I wouldn’t have been able to cope with the pressure of her repeated entreaties, and would have capitulated, thereby ending up locked into some unbearable situation for the rest of my life where I was constantly badgered and guilt tripped into spending time with her and she considered me her best friend.

I commend you for doing what the people who can’t take a hint always claim they want others to do - be direct and honest.

However, I’ve learned that when they say they want honesty, they are assuming that they have done something ‘wrong’, and once you tell them what it is, they can make amends for and it will all be fine. They don’t have a mental model for just not getting on with someone, because they’re not interested in other people, really, except to listen to them talk.

ohtobethin · 03/04/2026 16:17

ilovesooty · 03/04/2026 16:13

It shouldn't be necessary. She didn't respect the OP's feelings when she was pushy.

But she tried the white lies and they didn’t work.

what white lie do you suggest?

tripleginandtonic · 03/04/2026 16:18

Endofyear · 03/04/2026 15:27

She obviously liked you enough to make the suggestion of meeting up and your blunt response has left her feeling hurt and upset. I'm not sure what else you'd expect really!

You could have said, I'm just very busy at the moment with work and family stuff, I'm not socialising much and not able to make plans to meet up with you, hope you understand 😊

This. Or even gone for a coffee, you might have been pleasantly surprised

ilovesooty · 03/04/2026 16:18

ohtobethin · 03/04/2026 16:17

But she tried the white lies and they didn’t work.

what white lie do you suggest?

Have you quoted the wrong person? I was the one who said the "white lie" shouldn't be necessary.

ohtobethin · 03/04/2026 16:20

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/04/2026 16:16

I would have told you to fuck off so I actually think she’s being entirely reasonable.

Why are you even complaining? You don’t have to worry about her hassling you to be friends now.

So you like someone and want to strike up a friendship.

They demur for a while, you keep trying, they eventually say thank you but don’t think you have enough in common to be friends…and you would tell them to fuck off.

Hhhmm. I’m not keen on that.

UnhappyHobbit · 03/04/2026 16:20

FinalFinalFile · 03/04/2026 15:49

I don’t see any signs of OP not leaving the situation be.

Creating this thread is evidence no?

OtterlyMad · 03/04/2026 16:21

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 03/04/2026 16:03

What did your friend say? The one this woman is a friend of a friend of. Actually it probably comes as more of a shock to her because you are friends of a friend or were with her. Not acquaintances. And you’ve known each other for years. No wonder she feels hurt.

Our mutual friend knows the situation and understands why I declined. I won’t go into detail about why I don’t want to be friends with her because that will just sound like a character assassination and it’s not really relevant to the post but safe to say we are very different people (politics/lifestyles/personalities etc.) I honestly don’t think she would enjoy being my friend anymore than I would enjoy being hers!

OP posts:
ohtobethin · 03/04/2026 16:21

ilovesooty · 03/04/2026 16:18

Have you quoted the wrong person? I was the one who said the "white lie" shouldn't be necessary.

Yes, sorry.

it was the quote you quoted that I meant! @SnappyOchre

Sorry, haven’t really got the hang of quoting!

Tryagain26 · 03/04/2026 16:25

You didn't have to see her but I think your message was extremely cold so it's not surprising she is being cold towards you and avoiding you what did you expect?
All you had to do was keep refusing her invitations.

NetZeroZealot · 03/04/2026 16:29

OtterlyMad · 03/04/2026 15:29

I definitely don’t need warm or gushy I just don’t want it to be awkward for everyone else.

Out of interest, how do you think I should have declined the invite? Without just lying, as has been suggested.

Sorry I can’t .

No need to give a reason.

She would have got the hint & you would have avoided being rude.

Viviennemary · 03/04/2026 16:30

You were awful. No she shouldn't have kept pressing it but you were no better the way you handled it with total disregard to her feelings. imho.

Nuffpillllls · 03/04/2026 16:30

Tryagain26 · 03/04/2026 16:25

You didn't have to see her but I think your message was extremely cold so it's not surprising she is being cold towards you and avoiding you what did you expect?
All you had to do was keep refusing her invitations.

Agree 👍 I think you were extremely rude OP . I would be furious if a friend of mine spoke to another one of my friends like that!

Gloriia · 03/04/2026 16:34

It is so easy nowadays to ignore people. Mute/hide/block.

Yes she was persistent but I'd have just left messages unread.

I'm not sure saying 'i don't want to be friends' was necessary tbh.

SpaceRaccoon · 03/04/2026 16:37

I think that you were too blunt for Britain, that would probably have played better in Germany or something.

Ilovelurchers · 03/04/2026 16:40

You can't expect her to be anything other than cold towards you now, given how humiliated she probably feels by your message.

Obviously you weren't obliged to meet up with her if you didn't want to. But yes, you should have lied - it would have been much much kinder. You should have said you didn't have time.

You chose to say what you said, and you honestly can't complain that you are reaping the rewards of that now.

Isittimeformynapyet · 03/04/2026 16:42

OtterlyMad · 03/04/2026 15:29

I definitely don’t need warm or gushy I just don’t want it to be awkward for everyone else.

Out of interest, how do you think I should have declined the invite? Without just lying, as has been suggested.

"I'm so busy at the moment, but I'll see you at the next BBQ 😀"

TeflonBoot · 03/04/2026 16:43

Unless she has been absolutely awful to you,our response was unpleasant and unnecessary. This was a situation where a white lie would have sufficed, it is possible to say no without hurting someone's feelings. I can understand why she is being cold towards you, you have basically told her that you don't like her, how else do you expect her to react to you?

OtterlyMad · 03/04/2026 16:47

Isittimeformynapyet · 03/04/2026 16:42

"I'm so busy at the moment, but I'll see you at the next BBQ 😀"

Tried that, she then cornered me in person and said “right shall we get a date in the diary”!

OP posts:
ohtobethin · 03/04/2026 16:48

my reading of this was that OP had already tried all the “I’m busy, see you at next bbq” type responses and tried leaving her on read etc.

Op, how often was she messaging you and how often had you tried the gentler white lies?

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