To not want to take ‘constructive criticism’ from clinically clean DH

[Pigsinbl4nkets12345]

Myself and partner share 2 children (8 and 9). We live in a lovely house and share cleaning responsibilities pretty evenly. He works 40+ hours and I work 32. I will do childcare, cooking and on my days off laundry etc. he will help clean up from dinner when home and likes a spotless house which he will do the tweaks to. For example, hoovering, wiping cupboards etc when I’m home.

i would say I’m not unclean but I’m not clinical. The problem is that I suspect that he is on the spectrum and likes things in very particular ways. I do not mind this but recently he has been strongly suggesting that I change my ways of doing things to his preferred method, stating that it is more effective and I am not being as efficient as I could be.

for example in the mornings it’s a bit of a rush. I tend to get up, do breakfasts, hair, feed pet and get out of house. DH will get up, feed himself and leave. I will leave cups etc out on side and when I get back before him, load into dishwasher. He gets frustrated that everything is not completely clean before we leave in the morning because he would do it much more efficient. It’s like this with most things, loading dishwasher, putting items in cupboard etc. to the point that I feel worried doing these things wrong when they’re happening.

i have tried navigating these conversations where I have explained that I am not him so will not do everything the exact same, but he cannot fathom it and is very frustrated that I will not take ‘constructive critism’ as he is trying to better my life. How on earth do I navigate these things?

But you do do more in the morning. Suggest you swap morning routines one day.

Wooden spoons are utensils not cutlery.

But that "sharp scoff" is so unfair.

All it means is that you are not allowed to defend yourself against these stupid allegations. Because he dismisses what you say before you even start really.
God. How very dare you put him right and say that you do more.

You do, do more!!!

And by god that "scoff" is working. Because it makes you freeze up. That says to me that he employs that technique every time.
And it means that you cannot discuss anything with him because it will be dismissed

What a damn bully.

I suppose you could try couples counselling so that this could be show to him by a third party. But he'd probably scoff at that too.

I knew he would be wanting the spoons in the wrong place! Wooden spoons are utensils not cutlery

How often does he use utensils @Pigsinbl4nkets12345

Does he genuinely think he does more @Pigsinbl4nkets12345

You’ve listed what you do for the household, what does he do? Does he need to get home so late if there are times he can come home at lunchtime?

You're not wrong but ultimately wooden spoons go in the wooden spoon place.

Apologies if I have skipped an update on this but surely DH could completely avoid this being an issue if he just emptied the DW every morning rather than leaving it to you OP. Then it would be trivial for you to put the breakfast plates straight into the empty DW. Two birds killed with one stone, job's a good'un. If it's such a tiny trivial job to empty the DW (while also juggling kids, hair, breakfast, uniforms, teeth etc) why isn't he JFDI?

@wracky , the wooden spoons have a place. OP's DH wants to change where they are.

XP decided to rearrange the cutlery drawer in my house. I unarranged it immediately. I no longer live with the cocklodging shit.

Do 'we' use them every day, or as the only one cooking do you 'you' use them every day? If he's not cooking it's fuck all to do with him where you put the spoons that you use.
Honestly he can just fuck right off. Fuck off, fuck off, FUCK OFF! He isn't your boss and even if he was this miserable, nitpicking, demoralising, micromanaging, pointless shit would make him a terrible boss.
Gather your strength, start telling him no and really think about if this is how you want to live because it sounds horrific.

Why would you get a sharp scoff OP?

He works 40+ hours outside the home + clears up after adults dinner .5x5 = 2.5.
Total = 42.5.

You work 32 hours outside the home.
Plus you do probably 3.5 hrs x 5 inside the home, which is another 17.5. Total = 49.5

Then whatever happens at weekends (childcare/chores/cooking).

He's really not doing more than you.

Scoff back.

Oh my god, OP, that's insane! He's moaning at you about a few things left on the side after breakfast EVEN THOUGH HE DOESN'T SEE THEM MOST OF THE TIME!! HE JUST 'KNOWS' THEY'RE THERE!.

You must realise that this is totally unreasonable?

Honestly, this is no way for you to live. Or your DC.

You have a choice.

Your DC won't.

They are going to have his micromanaging obsessive 'do it my way' tidying inflicted on them as they get older. They will be around him more, they'll leave things out, they'll maybe be a bit arsey with him - imagine how horrendous life in your house is going to be?

OP, you need to really get in touch with your anger over this, and start expressing it.

Personally, I would tell him to fuck right off. And when he got there, he could fuck off some more.

i have tried navigating these conversations where I have explained that I am not him so will not do everything the exact same, but he cannot fathom it and is very frustrated that I will not take ‘constructive critism’ as he is trying to better my life. How on earth do I navigate these things?

I'd be telling him that I'm not his employee. Stating I didn't ask for, don't want and won't be taking constructive criticism from him. So to STFU and if he thinks my response is rude, he needs to take a look at his sense of entitlement. I'd be pointing out that it's not ok to treat me, his wife, as if I'm a project for him to work on. That this is itself rude and I don't owe rude people politeness. If he ever mentioned it again it would lead to a row because there's no way I'd tolerate this behaviour from him. If it didn't stop I'd have to divorce him.

The fact you're worried about his reactions to you doing ordinary things shows this situation is already veering into coercive control territory. It's not wrong to nip it in the bud or if that isn't possible, to leave him due to it. It would be wrong to gaslight yourself that things "aren't that bad" and to remain with him, being made to feel anxious in your own home even when he isn't there.

The cause of his behaviour is irrelevant. It's a him problem so he needs to fix it (and not to attempt to do that by expecting you to pander to his expectations). His worries are his and he needs to find a solution that comes from him and doesn't involve you changing yourself. If he doesn't like you as you are, then he doesn't like you.

If you were slovenly or a gambler or a cheat, then asking for and expecting you to change isn't unreasonable. But you're not acting in any kind of unreasonable manner within this marriage, so he has no business expecting you to change. He is the unreasonable one, he is the one who needs to change, by ceasing trying to control you. If he can't see that then you don't have a cleaning problem, you have a husband problem.

He's an arsehole. I don't know how you've lasted this long.

Absolutely.

Honestly , why on earth do you put up with this shit?

Even if he is neurodiverse, that’s not an excuse to behave like this. why does his pseudo-anxiety, which is really control, dictate what happens in your home?

You are not a slob. You are a hard working, busy mum, who prioritises. Honestly, get him telt as my granny would have said.

Give him some constructive criticism.

In a marriage, neither party gets to critique the other’s way of doing chores - that’s a recipe for disharmony. Each party gets to do an equal amount of the chores, unless there’s a big discrepancy in the time spent out of the house doing paid work that prevents this.
So here, if he wants it done a certain way, he does it. Your morning routine can certainly be split more evenly between the two of you. Either he does another task that needs doing to free you up the time or the answer is that you don’t have time to load the dishwasher so can he do it when he gets in.

It may be he needs to properly u derstand just how much you are doing each morning - perhaps suggest you swap roles for 5 days as you are ill and need to rest longer/need to work away etc..