To not want to take ‘constructive criticism’ from clinically clean DH

[Pigsinbl4nkets12345]

Myself and partner share 2 children (8 and 9). We live in a lovely house and share cleaning responsibilities pretty evenly. He works 40+ hours and I work 32. I will do childcare, cooking and on my days off laundry etc. he will help clean up from dinner when home and likes a spotless house which he will do the tweaks to. For example, hoovering, wiping cupboards etc when I’m home.

i would say I’m not unclean but I’m not clinical. The problem is that I suspect that he is on the spectrum and likes things in very particular ways. I do not mind this but recently he has been strongly suggesting that I change my ways of doing things to his preferred method, stating that it is more effective and I am not being as efficient as I could be.

for example in the mornings it’s a bit of a rush. I tend to get up, do breakfasts, hair, feed pet and get out of house. DH will get up, feed himself and leave. I will leave cups etc out on side and when I get back before him, load into dishwasher. He gets frustrated that everything is not completely clean before we leave in the morning because he would do it much more efficient. It’s like this with most things, loading dishwasher, putting items in cupboard etc. to the point that I feel worried doing these things wrong when they’re happening.

i have tried navigating these conversations where I have explained that I am not him so will not do everything the exact same, but he cannot fathom it and is very frustrated that I will not take ‘constructive critism’ as he is trying to better my life. How on earth do I navigate these things?

If he wants things done a certain way then he has to do them end of story. He gets up earlier so he can clean before going to work.

So he basically does absolutely sweet f.a. other than look after himself, clean up after an evening meal for two [not the whole family] and clean surfaces to his standards with the occasional spot of hoovering?

And criticise how you do EVERYTHING else? Have I understood that correctly.

I am struggling to see how you two "share cleaning responsibilities" at all. Let me guess - you take the kids out on a Saturday while he blitzes his chores?

Personally spectrum or no spectrum you navigate this by losing your sh*t so he thinks twice about further constructive criticism in the future.

This thread is an absolute joke. If it had been a woman complaining about her husband not loading the dishwasher and leaving dirty pots all over the kitchen the response would be the complete opposite.

I would get him to swap the morning routine with you for a few days. So you just get yourself ready and he can do all the things you would do. That would be the best way to see if things could be improved or if he’s just being a bit judgemental (which I think he is).

I don't think so. Not if he was doing all the childcare morning and night as well as working and all the woman was doing was looking out for herself and then complaining. I think we'd be just as sympathetic to whoever is doing work and childcare and being criticised by the other.

And I don't think his 8 hours extra work justifies his position at all. We all know that 'real' work with adults is often easier than looking after kids and the tedium and aggro of those daily routines, so he's not excused just because his work means he's handily not around for any of the domestics except for cooking his and OP's dinner, which it sounds like he wants to do/likes.

@blossomtoes , OP is leaving breakfast things on the side after her DH has already left the house, then she tidies after the school run.
If you'd read OP's posts you'd see that she is clean and fairly tidy but not to his exacting standards.

I've yet to see a post where a woman complains about her husband leaving pots all over the kitchen while he's also doing everything else. Its usually in the context of him doing nothing. If you want to draw an equivalence then make it an actual equivalence.

@BIossomtoes but OP does load the dishwasher and do the washing up (and everything else) but just not at the time that her DH tells her to do it. And he even isn’t in the house to see when it is or not being done. He is not impacted at all

Tell him something like this...

'Thanks for the tip but I'm going to carry on as I am. I have the children to deal with. Please could you put the dishes in the dishwasher yourself in the mornings if you feel I don't do it efficiently enough.

In fact I'd rather you just did things the way you like rather than giving me tips or instructions on how you wish me to do them. You're not my employer.'

Leaving things on the side to wash later is fine.

Putting things away in the wrong cupboard is not, and I don't understand why someone would do that. It just makes things harder to find when you need them.

Clearing up as you go depends on whether it makes a worse mess or not. I clean as I go, and have had issues with some people men who don't. Because they'll pull stuff out the cupboards or fridge and plonk them on a dirty worktop, later making the cupboard/fridge dirty when putting the things away. By the time they clean up, they forget they've spilt food on the floor (which has been trodden round by then), left smears on the cupboard doors, splatters up the wall, and so on. So won't actually clean up properly. If you do clean up properly (and cook without making such a mess!) then no problem leaving it to the end.

Constant criticism and judgement will eat away at a marriage far worse than the 'crime' of putting cups in the dishwasher a little later.

See the Gottman's work on this- it's one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalpse and it heralds the breakdown of romantic love and one partner withdrawing from perceived criticism.

My husband used to do this and I used to say (in a tone of wonderment) 'it's just so amazing I managed to look nice, run my own home and have a great career before you came along to advise me on how to live my life better'. It didn't stop him making the odd remark, but it did stop him constantly advising me on how to be a better person.

Tell him that you have some advice for him on how to sustain romantic relationships and how to be a better husband, and if he wants to swap advice on that for his advice on how to run the home, then you are happy to sit down and discuss this with him.

Who is leaving dirty pots? The OP is rushing out with her kids in the morning and loads the dishwasher at the first available opportunity.

This man is going to wonder where the divorce came from...

Well said. Clearly a Stepford Wife has entered the chat 🙄

Did you miss the part where he leaves before all of them and arrives after, meaning OP takes them to and from school/ childcare and looks after them either side when he’s not around? If she did 40 hours out of the house they’d have to pay someone else to do that work, but at least then they’d be ‘even’ in your view.

Tell him to do it himself. Less work for you and he can stop pontificating.

Tell him he needs to get up earlier to feed the pet and prepare breakfast for everyone, he can get the kids up and down for breakfast and clear up before he leaves at 7.40 then you will get the DC dressed and out the door with you for 8.10am.

'I get home from work with children at 6.30pm and get dinner ready and do bedtimes and showers for 7.45. I tidy up for when DH comes home at 8pm.'
1.5 hours x 5 days = 7.5 hours. That's how her 'part time' hours equal his - in parenting their children between getting home and their bedtimes. Beyond the additional parenting she is doing, they should therefore have equal time for house shit.
You've just done exactly what the OP's husband has been doing here in criticising her 'work' in the household. And everyone's pretty much agreed that the husband sounds like a bit of a dick.

He gets frustrated that everything is not completely clean before we leave in the morning because he would do it much more efficient.
Well he is welcome to do it then. Why does he not?

How about he does it himself then?!

He is welcome to take a couple of weeks off work and be the primary parent and cleaner and see how he fares. It's easy being a backseat driver when you're not the one doing the heavy lifting!

My DH is probaby on the spectrum too, and has very OCD type ways of doing things, telling me that he's had "years of doing it those ways," so it's probably better than mine. 😳😒 He is quite fussy with how he hangs up clothes, or stacks the washing up, for example, and my ADHD type methods are too chaotic for him, so he just likes to comment (and makes me feel incompetent).

No advice on any of this I'm afraid, just solidarity. 😳😢

I tend to let him get on with it, and tell him to do it his way instead of mine if it's not good enough.

He then wonders why he feels so burnt out and he is getting high blood pressure..! 😒

OP doesn't have an ND spouse.

She told us she 'suspects' he is on the spectrum. This is to help strengthen her argument that his higher standards are unreasonable and that hers are fine. Her standards are fine. She didn't need to boost it with made up shit about her DH.

Agreed. And putting things away in the wrong cupboards, stacking big pots on top of small pots for years would all be decried as weaponised incompetence.

I don’t think it is ND or OCD unreasonable or “clinical” to expect dirty dishes put in the dishwasher and not left lying directly above said dishwasher or that the spoons would be put away with the other spoons.

Weaponised incompetence clearly doesn't apply to the person who is doing all the actual cleaning and tidying 👏