To not want to take ‘constructive criticism’ from clinically clean DH

[Pigsinbl4nkets12345]

Myself and partner share 2 children (8 and 9). We live in a lovely house and share cleaning responsibilities pretty evenly. He works 40+ hours and I work 32. I will do childcare, cooking and on my days off laundry etc. he will help clean up from dinner when home and likes a spotless house which he will do the tweaks to. For example, hoovering, wiping cupboards etc when I’m home.

i would say I’m not unclean but I’m not clinical. The problem is that I suspect that he is on the spectrum and likes things in very particular ways. I do not mind this but recently he has been strongly suggesting that I change my ways of doing things to his preferred method, stating that it is more effective and I am not being as efficient as I could be.

for example in the mornings it’s a bit of a rush. I tend to get up, do breakfasts, hair, feed pet and get out of house. DH will get up, feed himself and leave. I will leave cups etc out on side and when I get back before him, load into dishwasher. He gets frustrated that everything is not completely clean before we leave in the morning because he would do it much more efficient. It’s like this with most things, loading dishwasher, putting items in cupboard etc. to the point that I feel worried doing these things wrong when they’re happening.

i have tried navigating these conversations where I have explained that I am not him so will not do everything the exact same, but he cannot fathom it and is very frustrated that I will not take ‘constructive critism’ as he is trying to better my life. How on earth do I navigate these things?

Specifically about pots and pans etc and wrong cupboards, I get home from work with children at 6.30pm and get dinner ready and do bedtimes and showers for 7.45. I tidy up for when DH comes home at 8pm. He used to mention that it should be tidy when he gets home as i should tidy as I go ‘as per his commentary’ and doesn’t anymore as I really did not appreciate that one but will be frustrated if it is messy and it will convey in body language. I run around like a headless chicken until he gets home and will make us a separate dinner also, which he clears up after

Good luck to him when your kids are teenagers.

I have been married to someone like this for nearly 40 years and I can’t believe it has taken this long for me to just ignore and let him get on with it his way even if it means he’s had a long day at work and chooses to restack or redo something I’ve done ‘ not quite right’. I use to get so offended as I’m a fairly competent, confident person but not obsessed… more layback.
Back in the early days he had suggested a few different ways of doing things but after a few hard “ no thanks don’t need your suggestions” he just gets on with it and I let him.
I’ve realised I’d prefer him to be like this rather than messy and unwilling to share the load.
Sometimes it’s just hard living with a different personality.
in your case I would definitely say “knock yourself out” and leave him to it.

So he does nothing for the kids on weekdays. At all. You do it all and work too, and he's complaining?? I'd have some very unconstructive criticism for him.

I’m married to someone who appears to be incapable of opening the dishwasher and putting the dishes into it. They get left on the worktop for me. I have some sympathy with your bloke @Pigsinbl4nkets12345.

This sounds horrendous. Mine comes home and pitches in like a normal, loving partner.

I know it's all too easy to shout LTB but I do wonder if there's been a lot of creep on this and you've lost sight of what normal looks and feels like. It is starting to sound like a really unhealthy division of labour and control/expectation.

Does he treat you with respect and love - whether you stack the DW or not? Does he value who you are over what you do? Does he put your own wants and happiness above his own?

DH used to be like this but he now understands that his suggestions are not appreciated and has stopped saying things like this. Honestly I would get quite angry about the "betterment" stuff. He needs to understand that everyone is different and he's not always right about everything.

Yep.

I absolutely get what you are saying here and he definitely should be doing more. His demand that it should be tidy when he gets home is ridiculous.

However, you say "specifically about pots and pans and wrong cupboards" and then don't go on to say why you can't just put the stuff back in the right cupboard. I really don't understand why they can't go back in the right cupboard. That takes no more time than putting them in the wrong cupboard! And stuff should go straight into the dishwasher, eg. the breakfast things, as I mentioned in a previous post because that is more efficient. If the dishwasher needs to be emptied at breakfast time he should be doing that so you can put the things back in.

His demands are ridiculous though and he needs to be doing more because you really don't have time to be having the home perfectly clean and tidy in time for his lordship to walk in the door and then you have to cook separately for both of you anyway. I wouldn't be doing that. You can make something for the children's dinner which can be heated up when his lordship returns home and if he doesn't like that he can make himself something.

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Pin on Pensions fun link.

So the only thing he does on weekdays is clear up after two adults have dinner? He works barely more than you. Does naff all and criticises you. He can start getting the kids ready in the morning and clean as he goes.

It's easy to be clean and tidy when you're only looking out for yourself.

@jcfmover Do they agree on which are the "correct" cupboards? Imo the person who cooks (OP) decides where things belong.

It sounds very stressful running around like a headless chicken trying to get every perfect for when your dh gets home. This isn't the 1950s, you are working too and not getting in long before him. Why do you make separate dinners (requiring separate clean up) for the kids and adults?

What is he like with your DC? You say you do childcare, what parenting does he do? How does he cope with their mess, toys etc?

Does he have a long commute, so he misses both getting them ready in the morning and bedtime in the evening?

What does he do at weekends?

I’m diagnosed autistic, and I am particular about how I do things. I do have strong opinions on what is most effective or efficient (that I mostly keep to myself, as inside thoughts!). However, I do those jobs where it’s important to me. I’ve taken on the lion’s share of domestic work for this reason. My husband does odd bits that I don’t really care about, such as putting clean clothes away or emptying bins.

A lot of people seem go be focusing on the "mornings" issue but that’s not really the basic problem.

He may not like the way you do things but he needs to accept, however reluctantly, that your way is not wrong, just different, and just as valid a choice as his way. It’s not as if your way is unsanitary or unhealthy.

You need to have a serious conversation with him. Your way of living annoys him and his way annoys you. So if you’re going to have a good chance of living together happily, you just each have to accept that you do things differently. At the moment it sounds as if you accept his way (when he does things) but he doesn’t accept yours.

It may make him feel better to be able to impose control on whatever he can, but he is being unreasonable to extend that to cover your actions as well as his own.

Are we reading the same posts?
OP works 32 hours to his 40 so of course she has 8hrs per week of household chores to do before they are even. Why should he do half when she only works part time? Plus OP has said he does all the actual cleaning while she does kids, laundry and cooking,

Secondly, leaving dirty cups all day on the countertop when it takes two minutes tops to rinse and put in the dishwasher is indefensible. It’s disgusting. It attracts pests into the house.

Thirdly, putting clean spoons away in the wrong cupboards after living together for at least 9 yrs (you have a 6 and 8 yo together) sounds like weaponised incompetence to me. You know where they go, it takes just as much time and energy to put things away where they are not supposed to go as it does to put them in the usual agreed on place in the kitchen.

If you’re running around like a headless chicken, then it sounds like you’re procrastinating until the last minute and you are not being efficient.

Why cook TWO dinners? That’s the epitome of inefficient. Cook one dinner and save back yours and his to warm up for later.

If you can’t trust that your husband’s advice on how to be a bit more organised and efficient is well intentioned, then what is the point of being in a relationship? Otherwise, you are simply being contrary for the sake of it.

it sounds like he might need some therapy

I think you need to rejig duties a bit too. In the morning I always do the school run before going to work so DH gets up makes the kids breakfast and empties the dishwasher. I then get the kids ready and make sure the house is tidy before we leave. I’m like your DH and like everything just so as does my DH but he needs to help out in the morning if he wants this so you have time to pop the dishes away.

My partner is exactly the same and is diagnosed ADHD and Autism. Hes also spent 16 years in the military so I suspect this has a lasting impact. However, I am also on the diagnosed AuDHD and very clean and tidy myself, i like things certain ways and dont push this onto others so i sort it myself. But simply put, If its not how he would 'do it' or 'like it done' then he is told to do it himself.

I think showers and bedtimes should be after 8pm so he sees his kids. They aren’t babies. You can take turns doing showers and bedtimes with the other one tidying up after dinner.

To me its a deal breaker but you have already got kids

He is a control freak. So glad I got away from someone like that as then they will be doing the same negative bs to your kids. Eg good way lets do your homework then you can do some gaming. Bad way its morning. Why have you not done your homework!!!. You are not a child though just tell him to f off and stop being a jerk

It’s interesting how when it’s a man leaving a mess when cooking the posts always say he should do it as he goes along, and when a bloke leaves cups on the side he’s thoughtless

there’s probably some middle ground here between the op’s partner being an arse, and her being a bit untidy.

Have only read OPs posts.

At the risk of being the 94th person to say this: if he is so much more efficient at mornings and dinners - he can do them.

IMO the finickerty one does the thing they are most fussy about and the rest of "chores" are divided to everyone's satisfaction. In my case: i do bathrooms and toilets, DH does Kitchen. The rest we share, or the one who is off/not working does the most (except that i always do bathrooms and he always does kitchen)

It does sound as though something else is going on though, and you need a calm but frank conversation about that. Marriage (especially with children) is a series of compromises.