To not want to take ‘constructive criticism’ from clinically clean DH

[Pigsinbl4nkets12345]

Myself and partner share 2 children (8 and 9). We live in a lovely house and share cleaning responsibilities pretty evenly. He works 40+ hours and I work 32. I will do childcare, cooking and on my days off laundry etc. he will help clean up from dinner when home and likes a spotless house which he will do the tweaks to. For example, hoovering, wiping cupboards etc when I’m home.

i would say I’m not unclean but I’m not clinical. The problem is that I suspect that he is on the spectrum and likes things in very particular ways. I do not mind this but recently he has been strongly suggesting that I change my ways of doing things to his preferred method, stating that it is more effective and I am not being as efficient as I could be.

for example in the mornings it’s a bit of a rush. I tend to get up, do breakfasts, hair, feed pet and get out of house. DH will get up, feed himself and leave. I will leave cups etc out on side and when I get back before him, load into dishwasher. He gets frustrated that everything is not completely clean before we leave in the morning because he would do it much more efficient. It’s like this with most things, loading dishwasher, putting items in cupboard etc. to the point that I feel worried doing these things wrong when they’re happening.

i have tried navigating these conversations where I have explained that I am not him so will not do everything the exact same, but he cannot fathom it and is very frustrated that I will not take ‘constructive critism’ as he is trying to better my life. How on earth do I navigate these things?

Not to mention the fact that the OP is the one actually using the pots from the cupboard and doesn't give a shit how they're arranged.

Don't engage with it. DH is getting worse with age, and he's "allowed" to have things arranged how he likes it in his bedroom/shed/garage but he's not allowed to re-arrange the kitchen (he won't cook) or other rooms that are shared spaces. He was making my life a misery - and stepping back from his rules/routines/rituals was the best course of action. He was so bad at one stage that he was throwing unopened mail (mine!), throwing away shampoo if I had more than one bottle in the bathroom... it was horrible to live with, and I had to hide my belongings so he couldn't dispose of them. What irritates me the most though is that he can completely ignore a pile of laundry that needs sorting/putting away....

Quite. He cleans the house every night-washing up from second dinner, hoovering, wiping down and so on and every morning after breakfast OP leaves it in a state with dirty dishes sitting on the counter right by the dishwasher.

She puts clean spoons and pots in the wrong cupboards.

I can well imagine how frustrating it is to clean a house every evening after work and then come home to a bombsite and your partner who works part time mind you doesn’t want to hear can you please put the spoons away with the other spoons?

He can ask you to do it your way or he can do it his.

Neither approach is terrible, but expecting you to do a task his way id unreasonable

My husband is the same..
I say to him " It's my house too and I'm a grown up. If I want to leave a cup on the side, I will. If you have an issue with it then that's your problem "
Most of the time, he'll put the cup in the dishwasher, then tell me he's done it. I don't thank him- I just remind him that I didn't ask him to do that, he took it upon himself to do it and I would have done it later....

Stacking big pots on little pots is stupid. You end up with pots falling out of cupboards, or if a drawer getting the drawer stuck.

Write a list of absolutely everything you do in the morning, then write a list of exactly what he does and present him with it. Sometimes when things are in black and white they hit home.

You sound just like the husband in this marriage.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Agree. It won’t necessarily work though, things have got worse as my husband has got older, particularly since he retired. We are now at a point where we are talking about buying two semis next door to each other as I can no longer stand being constantly managed ie nitpicked, in the kitchen.

I tend to get up, do breakfasts, hair, feed pet and get out of house. DH will get up, feed himself and leave.

I’d be constructively suggesting he needs to contribute more to the morning routine. Leave him a spreadsheet. Sounds like he’d love that bit of inspiration to improve his ways.

He cleans up after the second dinner the OP has made and everything else is tweaks. She has already spent the evening making two dinners and doing ALL the childcare. She does all the cooking. She cleans and does laundry on her 'days off' despite them already being 'even' before she does that. There's no indication that they split anything equally at all.

@FiatLuxAdAstra shock, horror he has to do the washing up after OP has cooked the dinner for him, poor little man

Who gives a fuck though? The OP is the one that uses the pots and does the cooking so who cares how they're stacked? You might as well be talking about how my underwear drawer is arranged for all the actual relevance of it.

@FiatLuxAdAstra , she doesn't. She tidies up but it's not as tidy as he'd like. She's doing most of the work.

Looks like OP does all the cooking so surely it’s only her who should be bothered how the pots, spoons etc are stored

So he's out of the house all day, devoid of parenting and housekeeping responsibilities, yet expects a perfect house, as per his commentary?

Who is he, Don draper?

I think there are quick wins here like putting stuff back where it belongs or putting cups in the dishwasher instead of on the side (when the dishwasher is empty).

These are things people always moan about men doing/not doing.

Oh this fella would love a spreadsheet 😂

Op, look online for some ideas and send them to him. Live link and then he gets constant updates.

What a friggin prick

Wow, you have much more patience and tolerance than me!

I would be telling him to fuck right off with his "constructive criticism " and "commentary".

And as the children get a bit older and bedtime shifts, he can do that ...

That leaves plenty to time for him to wake the kids at 7 and get them dressed and fed before 7:30. That would be his job now while I had a cup of tea and got myself ready, then id calmly wash the cups on the side.

but you have bigger issues with him so consider counselling to work through them with a third party as my explore with rage approach at his unreasonableness might not be your preferred one

"How on earth do I navigate these things?"

He seems to think he's entitled to have things a certain way and is giving you feedback as though you were the au pair or cleaner who can always do a bit better as long as they're taught how to.

If he wants things a certain way, he can pay for a cleaner to come in after you leave for work, imo.

You shouldn't be on tenterhooks because things aren't the way he likes them.

I've lost my shit with my OH leaving crap all over the place on many occasions (clutter makes me uncomfortable, anxious, and unable to focus), but the way in which he's patronisingly feeding back to you, is, I think, what's causing you to feel uncomfortable.

I'm quite a bit more blunt. "You've just walked all the way over here to put that cup there, would it kill you to bend over and put it in the dishwasher?" Or "yeah I had to rewash all the pans this morning because they were still greasy."

My OH has been diagnosed with ADHD though, so he really can't remember most of these basics most of the time.

will not take ‘constructive critism’ as he is trying to better my life

No he's not, he's trying to better his life.

Did he grow up in an exceptionally clean household?

I did, and I can tell you it's a royal PITA being an adult and trying to force yourself to live with the mess.

Even so, you're not his au pair.

And fuck running around like a headless chicken for 1.5 hours every night. If he wants a spotless house, he can cut his hours and make it so. Even in my exceptionally clean household growing up, the bulk of the housework was done on a Saturday by all of us, not by mum and/or dad every single night.

And next time you get home, relax. Have a glass of wine and do the kids dinner. No tidying. Everyone needs a night off. If he does ‘body language’ say excuse me it’s my house too and for one single night I didn’t want to sprint around non stop from the second I got home, turn him around and walk him out the door, say I want to enjoy my home and can’t do that with you putting on your judgey asshole, I have noticed it never ever comes with offering to pick up the kids and do dinner and tidy the living room and a load of washing before I get home, you’re all criticism and not much support. You’re not my boss and don’t come back inside until you’re on board with that statement.
then relax .

If he likes things done his way, but that way is no better than your way, then I think he can do them himself. How does he know the house isn’t tidy in the morning if he leaves later than you? And why should he expect to come home to a clean house when you have been using the house to make dinner etc.? It doesn’t sound like he does much cleaning other than “tweaking” so I’m not surprised it’s doing your head in to be told how to do things by someone who never does them himself. And the pots he can just rearrange in his spare time if he wants

I so agree with this. You aren’t his maid, he’s not doing anything helpful, he’s just making life worse! If I were you I would feed my kids the quickest food possible, sit my backside down, have a glass of wine and watch a film with the kids. I would leave the dishes as they aren’t my sole responsibility (the children are his too!) and the world won’t end.
I would be able to do it for more than a night occasionally but it does good! I’m a bit of a tyrant for my kitchen being tidy but even I say on a Friday night the rules relax. I need the odd bit of time where it’s okay to chill.

just tell him to pipe down. He leaves before you and you are home before he gets back. How does you not putting breakfast things away affect him at all?