To not want to take ‘constructive criticism’ from clinically clean DH

[Pigsinbl4nkets12345]

Myself and partner share 2 children (8 and 9). We live in a lovely house and share cleaning responsibilities pretty evenly. He works 40+ hours and I work 32. I will do childcare, cooking and on my days off laundry etc. he will help clean up from dinner when home and likes a spotless house which he will do the tweaks to. For example, hoovering, wiping cupboards etc when I’m home.

i would say I’m not unclean but I’m not clinical. The problem is that I suspect that he is on the spectrum and likes things in very particular ways. I do not mind this but recently he has been strongly suggesting that I change my ways of doing things to his preferred method, stating that it is more effective and I am not being as efficient as I could be.

for example in the mornings it’s a bit of a rush. I tend to get up, do breakfasts, hair, feed pet and get out of house. DH will get up, feed himself and leave. I will leave cups etc out on side and when I get back before him, load into dishwasher. He gets frustrated that everything is not completely clean before we leave in the morning because he would do it much more efficient. It’s like this with most things, loading dishwasher, putting items in cupboard etc. to the point that I feel worried doing these things wrong when they’re happening.

i have tried navigating these conversations where I have explained that I am not him so will not do everything the exact same, but he cannot fathom it and is very frustrated that I will not take ‘constructive critism’ as he is trying to better my life. How on earth do I navigate these things?

Do you know about OCD? It's very very prevalent among the ND community. It means that it is literally impossible to 'talk yourself out' of things. You can KNOW absolutely that nobody in your family will die if you don't perform certain rituals. It does not stop you from doing it. Because you feel you HAVE to, it's a compulsion.
And if he watches a lot of news and is taking on board that the world is a mess, then his need for control will increase. He can't control the world, he can only control his very tiny part of it. So he may tighten his control on those things that he CAN have control over, because it helps keep the fear of being utterly out of control in the rest of the world at bay.

"I'm your wife, not your maid."
"It's my house and family, too, and I have my own way of doing things."
"Fuck off and do it yourself if you want it done differently."

You are totally minimising what you do in the mornings. I'd actually write in down in two columns and hand it to him.
YOU
Get yourself washed, dressed and ready
Make sure you have everything you need for the day.
Get DC up,
Supervise them washed, teeth, dressed
Supervise them gathering any items they need for the day
Do DC's Hair,
Make everyone's breakfasts
Feed the pets
Supervise the DC getting out of the house with correct belongings
Factor in time lost in sorting any last minute DC issues/concerns
Get the DCs out of the house and ready for journey to school.

HIM.
Get himself washed and dressed
Eat his Breakfast
Leave house.

Add in the full list of extra things he expects you to do in the mornings.
In conversation.. it doesn't come across how daft his demands are. On paper its obvious.

Also point out to him that a few dishes and crumbs in the kitchen which can be cleared up on your return are minor compared with making yourself and the children late for work or school.

Be firm on this.. He sounds lacking in understanding and should do more himself if he wants a perfect house with young children.
I very much tended towards the opionion that the children were more important than housework and an immaculate house at all times and I did cleaning when I had time. He doesn't get to dictate your timetable or argue about your priorities.

How does he cope with pet mess or are they fish so contained?

Try telling him to fuck off and do it himself if he wants it done a certain way and you don't ever want to here his criticism again or he gets the lot on his own.

My husband has done little things like this in the past and always got that job all to himself. The last one was sock paring, the pure look of dismay the minute the words left his mouth made me chortle. He got stuck with those for ages.

If you want something done a certain way then you do it yourself. It's as simple as that.

'feel free'

I'm using this

😂 Gold

I would tell him that you'll learn to do things his way better by observing him doing it.

So, you get up and do your hair and make yourself a cuppa while you observe him doing everything you normally do of a morning, including getting the kids up, fed and ready.

And then tell him you're still not sure how he does it so will observe him until you've fully learnt it...should take you at least a month! 😁

😂 I'm autistic and of course I know that my way of stacking the dishes and putting the cutlery into the dishwasher is much the better way. I do occasionally mention it as well. However, I am an adult also and understand that perhaps I am not always right (of course I am but I've got to let the less organised people have some hope 😉).
OP tell him straight - that's your way but I have my way. Like it or leave.

I can see why you're frustrated OP. I can also see why he his, though I don't think that excuses his "advice" to you when you've told him you don't want it.

I would probably argue back on the putting things straight in the dishwasher. I find this much less efficient than stacking stuff on the side and loading the dishwasher all at once as you aren't opening and shutting the door constantly and you don't have to do as much moving things around at the end to make best use of the space if you stack it all at once. Putting stuff in the dishwasher as you go is more about out of sight out of mind and having a clean look than efficiency.

But though I'd argue back, I don't think that's necessarily useful advice for you. This isn't a logic argument about the best way to keep house. This is about him trying to control how you do it. I think generally with living together there need to be some compromises. If one person likes things neat and the other is a total slob you need to meet somewhere in the middle for it to be a life you both can tolerate. But that isn't what he's after here.

Have you talked to him about you thinking he may have ASD? Specifically pointed out that what he is doing is the beginnings(?) of being controlling? That even if he were correct about one way being more efficient than another, that isn't your priority and it's controlling of him to try and insist it should be? Suggest some therapy aimed at helping cope with his feelings that things need to be so particular?

Why cant he load them into dishwasher before he leaves seeing as he only has himself to sort in the morning when you have yourself the kids and pets. If he is leaving them for you to do, and than saying that he is annoyed its not clean before you leave the house he is a moron

Presumably because he leaves before they have finished using the stuff? He leaves 40 minutes before the OP she has said.

I can't quite work out how he knows / how it affects him though if the OP has it cleaned up before he gets back?

Yes! Please write it all down for him ... your very long list of morning 'musts' versus his. Then tell him to pull his weight or fuck off.

Well, there was a woman who broke up her marriage and family because her husband left a glass out. That seems unreasonable to me- I know some people have OCD, but I feel sorry for their partners and kids too, if they are that extreme.
Especially if they live together first-that should be the time people agree on what they're happy with, and if they are that extreme, they should be honest with their partner, not spring it on them after marriage.

We have a rule in my house that everyone pulls their weight but if one person thinks that something should be done then they do it.

I thought she said he leaves before her

But given he gets back home after her Im not sure how he knows or sees the stuff left out

Tell him that he doesn’t get to criticise and impose his standards on you if he doesn’t fully pitch in.
‘I don’t have time to load the dishwasher before we leave in the morning. If you want it done that way then feel free to do it. Otherwise it will wait till I get home’.

This
he sounds controlling never mind on the spectrum

This is the bit I'm struggling to understand too.
If it's tidied up before he gets back, he can't possibly know about it? Unless of course... teh OP is lying and it isn't tided away.

I always don't see how the kids can't be responsible for popping a bowl or plate into the dishwasher themselves.

Life is too short to put up with this.

pots and pans can only go one way when put away? surely everyone stacks pots in order of size?

And how can you put spoons in the wrong cupboard after having a kitchen set out as you want it for 9 years? surely everyone has a cutlery drawer they keep cutlery in or if they don't things like wooden spoons all go together? I don't understand how someone could forget where things go after 9 years.

@blackpooolrock maybe DH thinks they should go in a different cupboard to what OP does, even though he doesn't seem to do any cooking. Same with pans. Maybe they aren't stacked and sometimes OP just puts a pan away without rearranging the other pans, and so when she comes to take a different pan out she may have to move another pan, so not as efficient. But again she is the one cooking, so if it doesn't bother her, not a problem.

DH moved into my home when we first got together. He had to accept the kitchen layout even though might not be how he would have had it. When we moved in to a new house, he arranged the kitchen cupboards more to his liking, but he then took on most of the cooking duties so that was fine in my eyes.

He wants the wooden spoons in the cutlery drawer as we use them every day, we also have a utensil drawer for things like spatulas, tongs, scales etc. sometimes when I’ve got a handful of other things I tend to just put them all in the utensil draw if I’m not paying attention 😅

He will occasionally come home for lunch when he has a site visit locally. Otherwise, he is none the wiser but knows that I do it

I think I’d get a sharp scoff if I tried to insinuate that I did more. I’m not very confrontational, not from my own choice but I kind of freeze in conflict

So he comes home from work for lunch... and doesn't sort it himself?