To not want to take ‘constructive criticism’ from clinically clean DH

[Pigsinbl4nkets12345]

Myself and partner share 2 children (8 and 9). We live in a lovely house and share cleaning responsibilities pretty evenly. He works 40+ hours and I work 32. I will do childcare, cooking and on my days off laundry etc. he will help clean up from dinner when home and likes a spotless house which he will do the tweaks to. For example, hoovering, wiping cupboards etc when I’m home.

i would say I’m not unclean but I’m not clinical. The problem is that I suspect that he is on the spectrum and likes things in very particular ways. I do not mind this but recently he has been strongly suggesting that I change my ways of doing things to his preferred method, stating that it is more effective and I am not being as efficient as I could be.

for example in the mornings it’s a bit of a rush. I tend to get up, do breakfasts, hair, feed pet and get out of house. DH will get up, feed himself and leave. I will leave cups etc out on side and when I get back before him, load into dishwasher. He gets frustrated that everything is not completely clean before we leave in the morning because he would do it much more efficient. It’s like this with most things, loading dishwasher, putting items in cupboard etc. to the point that I feel worried doing these things wrong when they’re happening.

i have tried navigating these conversations where I have explained that I am not him so will not do everything the exact same, but he cannot fathom it and is very frustrated that I will not take ‘constructive critism’ as he is trying to better my life. How on earth do I navigate these things?

Then buckle up, because it's likely to spread to a lot of other areas of your life, and it might be worth trying to find him some help before he spirals into trying to control the minutiae of your lives and your children's lives.

It's not his fault and he can't help it. But that doesn't make it any easier to live with.

Tell him for the next month it's his job to get the kids ready, and you'll just look after yourself and do things exactly as he wants.

He'll soon learn his method only works because he's doing the work of one person, not three. Many ND people are only really able to understand things they have directly experienced - so let him experience it.

Agree. I have a similar experience with my nd spouse.
"I'm not the maid"
"I'm not your employee"
"We are not the same person"

But most importantly "you're making me anxious" . He is putting his anxiety onto you and now causing anxiety for you.

He needs to manage his own anxiety instead of offloading it into you and expecting you to pander to him to soothe him.

Interesting.
I'd reply to the OP in 2 ways.
One - your house too, and his commentary isn't helpful.
Two. I'm slightly team DH here - I also want my DH to stack the pans in ascending size and put the wooden spoons in the right place. It really takes no longer - similarly I cannot understand the logic in stacking dirty plates next to the dishwasher - just put them straight in?
Maybe he has a point?
But equally - unless he's doing an appropriate share of the life load he doesn't get to tell you how to do yours 'better'

I absolutely hate it when things arent put away properly, the pan thing would drive me round the bend, also spoons not being put where they live because then I cant find it

Sorry if you’ve already answered this but why isn’t he doing his share in the mornings? He could get up earlier, do the jobs to his satisfaction and just let you ‘get up, feed yourself and then leave’.

Another one who wants to know why he isn't doing his share in the morning.

He wouldn't want to live with me. I can currently see dust, bits on the carpet and last nights plates still in the sink! It will get done, eventually!

I don’t really have much advice but my dh is like this and we suspect he’s autistic too. I’m just always very direct that I don’t appreciate his ‘feedback’. The good thing about him though is he will laugh about it - like sometimes he comes up to me on the kitchen and I can tell he’s desperate to say something and he’ll just say ‘is it okay if I just make one tiny sugggestion’ and then we’ll kind of laugh about it.

DH will get up, feed himself and leave

Well then he can get to fuck with his constructive criticism can't he. "You do it, I'm busy." On repeat.

The example you have given is specifically one where you are doing a different job to him. Is he also like this about things like vacuuming/housework? Is any of it actually about efficiency or is that just poorly disguised code for him thinking you are doing things to a too poor standard?

It does sound like it's a control thing, as in an autistic/anxiety MH thing. Tackle it in a way that is sensitive to this but bearing in mind he might not be aware of any shift. His feelings are still his feelings even if his boundaries have changed - he doesn't owe it to you not to care about something he now finds wildly irritating just because he was fine with it in the past. But equally it is your home too and if you want to leave some mugs on the side with a plan to deal with them later that is your prerogative.

You both need to really listen to each other and find a way forward that takes both your feelings into account. Eg DW could be his job, maybe DW could shift to an evening job, or plates could go in a bowl under the sink in the morning. But I know this is just one example you gave and it's a much bigger problem than plates. I don't think just going in saying it's your house too will help much if this is an autistic overwhelm/control thing but equally you're not his carer, you can approach things sensitively without just falling in with all his demands. Living together takes compromise from you both, and sometimes with ND you might need to find some unconventional rules and systems but it always comes back to how do we make this work for us both without one person just imposing rules and demands on the other.

So i am your husband in this scenario in the sense that it really triggers me if the dishwasher isn’t loaded before i leave the house, it triggers me if stuff isn’t clean, wiped down, i will hoover every morning before i leave. And it triggers me that my husband doesn’t do any of this. I have an irrational fear of someone turning up (even just parents/family who are in and out most days) and thinking my house is a mess or that i’m not coping.

BUT i recognise this and try really hard to not nit pick because it is 100% my issue and not DH or the rest of the families. I just crack on and do it myself and don’t make any issue of it to anyone.

Occasionally i might snap at DH if i get in from work and the house is upside down, but i do always reflect and apologise as he does share the load and do things to an average persons standards.

it also helps that he gets up and goes out on a morning to work, and i do the breakfast, kids sorted, dishwasher, hoover before work so for me my anxiety is relieved. It is unfair to inflict his standards onto you as im quite sure you clean and keep your house to a perfectly reasonable standard, it is 100% his issue to find a way to cope with.

You’re being waaaaaay to nice.

next time he says something laugh and tell him to piss off.

Well yes, it’s much easier to do those little extras when you’re literally only getting yourself ready in the morning. Maybe he gets the kids ready too and then clears up, for a change.

He’s trying to better his life not yours. As long as the cups end up in the dishwasher in a reasonable timeframe who cares about the precise sequence of activities? I would not entertain his nonsense on this.

I won't lie, it infuriates me when my (ND) husband never puts the dishes away before leaving the house etc. I don't expect the counters or floors cleaned, but it takes literally no additional time to put plates etc in the dishwasher as putting them in the sink or counter tops.

However I also realise that I can't dictate what he does, but I also do not clear up dishes he leaves hanging around.

This ^

I'm not clinically clean but i do try and do things so i don't have to go back to them. So i would rather put a cup in the dishwasher than leave it on the side because someone has to pick it up from the side. I do put things back in cupboards rather than leave them out as well. there's 101 things i do like this.

I do these things because time is short and if for instance i put a cup on the side instead of putting it in the dishwasher it means two jobs instead of one. It just means i'm not picking up cups to put in the dishwasher - they're already in there so its one less job to do.

I do think i'm on the spectrum and do this with lots of things. work smarter not harder.

Tell him to read Ogden Nash's poem A Word To Husbands:

To keep your marriage brimming With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

I'd be getting a new patio though if any husband dared to tell me they were nitpicking for the betterment of myself.

DH will get up, feed himself and leave
He should be doing more in the mornings, especially as he has particular demands about having things clean before leaving.

I will leave cups etc out on side and when I get back before him, load into dishwasher
Is the dishwasher not empty at this point? Because I don't really see why you can't put the cups and plates straight in the dishwasher after using them. It takes a few seconds longer than just leaving them. If the dishwasher needs to be emptied he should be doing that because you have enough to do in the morning and then the dishes can go straight in after breakfast.

He gets frustrated that everything is not completely clean before we leave in the morning because he would do it much more efficient
Then he needs to do more in the mornings than just eat, shit and leave.

It’s like this with most things, loading dishwasher, putting items in cupboard etc. to the point that I feel worried doing these things wrong when they’re happening
Tbh it would annoy me that you put things back in the wrong cupboard. I wouldn't be bothered about the sizes of the pans but I would find it irritating if you put things back where they didn't belong, like the wooden spoons. The next time I needed them I would have to look for them and that's annoying.
I think in this case you should try to make sure you put things back where they belong.

However, if you are doing the childcare, cooking and laundry he should be doing the bulk of the cleaning anyway because he's only working 8 hours a week longer than you.

Leaving cups and plates on the side above the dishwasher drives me crazy, it takes seconds to open the door and put them in it!! Same with putting things back in cupboards after you’ve used them.

We’re all ‘on the spectrum’ - that’s what a spectrum is. He’s just high on the spectrum of selfishness. If he wants things done his way, he can do them. It sounds like things would fall apart if you didn’t carry the load, so maybe stop doing anything for him and see how he manages.

Occasionally i might snap at DH if i get in from work and the house is upside down, but i do always reflect and apologise as he does share the load and do things to an average persons standards.

Snap and apologise once or twice, but if it keeps happening and you know it’s your problem not his, why don’t you work on yourself or find a solution that means you don’t snap at him?

DH will get up, feed himself and leave

so you're running round like a blue-arsed fly while he drift around independently and unencumbered.

Difficult to know what to suggest. Stop enabling his selfish behaviour by indulging his excessive demands. Until he steps up, just ignore him.

Sounds like the best way you could better yourself would be by telling him to fuck off