To not want to take ‘constructive criticism’ from clinically clean DH

[Pigsinbl4nkets12345]

Myself and partner share 2 children (8 and 9). We live in a lovely house and share cleaning responsibilities pretty evenly. He works 40+ hours and I work 32. I will do childcare, cooking and on my days off laundry etc. he will help clean up from dinner when home and likes a spotless house which he will do the tweaks to. For example, hoovering, wiping cupboards etc when I’m home.

i would say I’m not unclean but I’m not clinical. The problem is that I suspect that he is on the spectrum and likes things in very particular ways. I do not mind this but recently he has been strongly suggesting that I change my ways of doing things to his preferred method, stating that it is more effective and I am not being as efficient as I could be.

for example in the mornings it’s a bit of a rush. I tend to get up, do breakfasts, hair, feed pet and get out of house. DH will get up, feed himself and leave. I will leave cups etc out on side and when I get back before him, load into dishwasher. He gets frustrated that everything is not completely clean before we leave in the morning because he would do it much more efficient. It’s like this with most things, loading dishwasher, putting items in cupboard etc. to the point that I feel worried doing these things wrong when they’re happening.

i have tried navigating these conversations where I have explained that I am not him so will not do everything the exact same, but he cannot fathom it and is very frustrated that I will not take ‘constructive critism’ as he is trying to better my life. How on earth do I navigate these things?

Genuine question: Why can't he help it?
I get that being ND may make it difficult to manage one's tendencies, but its a big jump to say he can't help it..
Are you serious in saying he has no control over his behaviour?
What if his instinct was to commit a crime?
Why would he then be able to control himself`?
I'm willing to learn: I'm genuinely confused!
If he can't control his behaviour, who is the puppet master controlling him?

But be aware of things becoming more intense. Does he listen to the news a lot?
Is there a connection between listening to the news a lot and neurodivergence?
I've never heard of this before.

It doesn't sound like he is doing a lot of the cleaning at all. From your description, he gets up looks after himself and leaves, while you look after the children, come home early and do dinner while Little lord Fontelroy trots home at 8pm to critique and clean up after dinner?

I must admit my wife dumps all the pots on top of the dishwasher drives me mad
never understand why you don’t just put them straight in rather than stack them on top

What would people say if that was the other way round? They'd call it weaponised incompetence.

Yep, particularly if

I work 40 hours and he only works 32

Weaponised incompetence is when someone deliberately does something badly so that the other person ends up just doing it themselves. There's no suggestion here of the DH doing these tasks himself, so it's not weaponised incompetence.

Re the separate dinner, please tell me you are not cooking for the kids THEN cooking for you separately?

We always cooked for us on 1st day enough for kids next day dinner (which then just needed heating up, with very little difference eg maybe portioning off their chilli while cooking so theirs wasn't as hot with one portion without kidney beans as per child's requirements, or if pasta I'd cook that freshly but use the same sauce topping as ours the day before). Saves masses of time.

No no that only counts for men leaving cups out. When women do it’s the man who’s too uptight.

some of the responses here (tell him it’s your house and you can leave a mess if you want) would be roundly condemned if they came from a man to a woman!

His way clearly isn’t better, because he isn’t actually doing it. He’s only getting himself ready and then fucking off.

He lives in a home where he is a father, not a hospital where he is the chief. He might like things a certain way, but it's easier to clean up after yourself only than you and children whilst getting everyone out of the house. Success is getting everyone breakfasted and to school on time, success is not leaving clear worktops behind. He'd do well to remember that and keep his standards to himself.

One of my favourite phrases is "feel free" - every time DH tells you that there is a better way tell him to "feel free" to do it himself (after all it will improve your efficiency in so many other areas if he is taking some chores away from you). I'd also suggest a solo week away so he has to do everything you are doing - might open his eyes to just how efficient you are already.

It sounds like he might have a longer commute too. If she's out of the house from 8.10am to 6.30pm (doing dropoffs and collections within that) that's 51hrs a week, compared to his 61+ hours a week without any childcare.

I have no clue why 2 dinners need to be made (twice the cooking, twice the mess surely).

There's definitely some things that can easily be changed on both sides to accommodate eachother. At 6 & 8, the kids can put their own breakfast ware in the dishwasher. DH could feed the pets in the AM to give the OP an extra few minutes. Just make one dinner (either reheat parents when he arrives, or reheat a portion the next day for the kids) or either parent could do a batch cook at the weekend to get back some time during the week.

Didn't you post about this a coupel of weeks ago? Or is MN just filled with men who want to dictate how their wives look after the home, while they themselves swan in and out as per what's convenient.

As someone who hate it when the kitchen is not tidied up after Breakfast so that it's a mess when I come home, I can almost sympathise. Except.... Both DH and I, on our days in the morning routine, do our best to get things as tidy as possible. But, it's manic, and so sometimes that doesn't happen. Which means sometimes I come in and it's a bit messy or vice versa. Our approach is, "thank god they got the kids out the door on time."

As he's doing fuck all in the morning, I'd have zero interest in his opinion on how it's done in the morning. And him leaving early is bullshit. For a start - he could feed the pets then to free up some time. Of course, ifyou're leaving at 8:10 and only getting up at 7:45, then PERHAPS I'd have a bit more sympathy for him thinking tha tactually, you could just get on wth it, but I'm guessing that's not the case.

I also dont' understand why he's even having an issue with HOW you do things. You're still cleaning up.

Finally, I have spent 5 year sbeing completely gobsmacked that DH still doesn't know where the wooden spoons go. So I sympathise with him, again, on that. But, and here's the crucial difference, I'm not a dick. I have actually just shifted my expectation of where they are and take them from teh drawer DH likes to put them in now!

I think in OPs shoes i would have one more go at telling him to STFU about what happens in the house when he is not there.

And i would also be telling him that from now on part of the morning routine belongs to him. I may even be generous enough to ask him which bits he is taking over.

If OP is the only one using the kitchen, then it is entirely up to her if she wants to continue her (IMO Batshit, but we're all different) way of stacking pots and putting away spoons. If they both use the kitchen? they need to agree where things go, but how they go is entirely up to whoever puts them away.

My husband can be like this - and gets much much worse if he is stressed about other things

However - the difference with what I read here is my husband does a huge amount of housework - I'm baffled reading this as you are doing far more childcare/cooking/ tidying - and yet he is dictating how its done?

@NotMajorTom but she is not leaving a mess for someone else to tidy up, she is leaving some cups out (after doing everything else in the morning) and then putting them away when she gets home.

The time when women complain about men leaving a mess, or leaving things near but not in the dishwasher is because that is the only thing the man (or woman) does.

OP does pretty much everything. Her DH just seems to direct her or goes over something she has already done as not up to his exacting standards

Leave him a lovely long list of things to do before he leaves. Sounds like he will enjoy it 😊

DH doesn’t like the way I load the dishwasher so he’s in charge of dishwasher, I’m not at all particular so everything else is shared.

This sounds insufferable.

I actually think you need to go away for a few days and leave him to do all of it - and try and achieve what you do, give your children the care and attention they need (rather than the fecking cupboards). Perhaps he will see that you are doing what's right and what actually matters. But, perhaps he won't.

Either way, he probably needs to hear how serious this is - it's not a flippant thing on your part that he is not listening to you. I presume he manages to hold down a job and isn't micromanaging his team? Because if he is, he can control this, and this starts to make it feel like a very different conversation.

It needs to be had though however difficult, because you can't live like this, and this kind of rigidity will be impacting the kids.

Hmmm, I’ve got one like this. Was brought up by high ranking Army man whose standards were super-high. They still are, but he’s in his 90s so has to depend on others - who work at their pace, not his!
DP tends to want to regiment things, as that’s what he knows but I won’t allow him to, it drives me bloody daft. He has to have everything timed out and planned to the second, even stuff that hasn’t really anything to do with him, like the Ddogs feeding times and bowel habits😁
He tries to interfere with stuff like the washing (I’m old now and might just have an idea what I’m doing…🙄) and when I last hoovered the stairs.
I just shut it down.
Lifes too short for that level of faff!

You are so right about stress making it worse. I’ve just realised that!

Maybe ask him to unload the dishwasher before you both go to bed. It really isn't hard just to put things in the dishwasher if it is empty. We have a cleaning rota at work and there is one person who leaves the spoon they have made their drink with on the worktop rather than put it in the dishwasher. Every day. Drives me mad.

"He gets frustrated that everything is not completely clean before we leave in the morning because he would do it much more efficient".

But he doesn't do it more efficiently, He gets up, he feeds and showers himself and leaves. He leaves it all to you and then critiques you. Nope you are not being unreasonable, the house CEO is.

for example in the mornings it’s a bit of a rush. I tend to get up, do breakfasts, hair, feed pet and get out of house. DH will get up, feed himself and leave.

Then tell him he can stay until you're done sorting yourself and your mutual children BY YOURSELF and pitch in. Wanker.