To not want to take ‘constructive criticism’ from clinically clean DH

[Pigsinbl4nkets12345]

Myself and partner share 2 children (8 and 9). We live in a lovely house and share cleaning responsibilities pretty evenly. He works 40+ hours and I work 32. I will do childcare, cooking and on my days off laundry etc. he will help clean up from dinner when home and likes a spotless house which he will do the tweaks to. For example, hoovering, wiping cupboards etc when I’m home.

i would say I’m not unclean but I’m not clinical. The problem is that I suspect that he is on the spectrum and likes things in very particular ways. I do not mind this but recently he has been strongly suggesting that I change my ways of doing things to his preferred method, stating that it is more effective and I am not being as efficient as I could be.

for example in the mornings it’s a bit of a rush. I tend to get up, do breakfasts, hair, feed pet and get out of house. DH will get up, feed himself and leave. I will leave cups etc out on side and when I get back before him, load into dishwasher. He gets frustrated that everything is not completely clean before we leave in the morning because he would do it much more efficient. It’s like this with most things, loading dishwasher, putting items in cupboard etc. to the point that I feel worried doing these things wrong when they’re happening.

i have tried navigating these conversations where I have explained that I am not him so will not do everything the exact same, but he cannot fathom it and is very frustrated that I will not take ‘constructive critism’ as he is trying to better my life. How on earth do I navigate these things?

@FiatLuxAdAstra I bet OP does more housework, parenting etc than 8 hours difference.

We have a dishwasher, but there are things that don’t go in there. We wash up once after the evening meal, so those things will sit by the sink during the day until we do the washing up.

Maybe OP is running round like a headless chicken because her DH opts out of doing any of the morning routine unless it relates to him

Brilliant.

So he does fuck all but expects you to have the house as spotless as an operating theatre?

That's not just different standards; that's outright selfish unreasonableness. I have different standards to my DP too but we both pitch in.

Time to lay it down to him.

I leave things above the dishwasher then load a bunch all at once. It's because you put things in different places depending on what else ends up going in. It's way more efficient than realising, oh, there's a massive pot that needs to go in so everything in its place now needs to come out.

Anyway yes the solution is always "if you are fussy about how this chore is done then feel free to do it - otherwise leave it to the person whose job it is to do it in their way".

Sounds like you and this man should shack up together!!

The OP working 32hrs to the partner’s 40hrs mean she does her 8 hours getting the kids ready, dropping them off, picking them out, sorting their food, getting them ready for bed. The husband isn’t doing any of that shit. When they are both home, they should split household work equally. Doesn’t seem like that is happening either. Procrastinating and being inefficient. Oh wow wow wow. So harsh. Are you here for the drama perchance? Or are you red pill 4eva??? 🙄

In what universe is leaving an unwashed teacup out for a few hours indefensible, disgusting, or likely to lead pest infestation??

I think you have a major problem.

The general consensus is that I’m a bit uptight and very defensive

you mean you both think this?

just noticed this part

He has stopped mentioning so much because he see’s that some things such as not putting the pans from largest to smallest occasionally or putting the wooden spoons in the wrong cupboard,

Putting pans in order is helpful so you can see what is available, surely? (mine are in a drawer, they are stacked inside each other so i am having problems imagining putting a big pan in front of a small pan in a cupboard)

But putting things in the wrong place? i'd be annoyed at that too. That's not how things work in our world. Everything has a proper place, otherwise it's anarchy. (early on my DH was like a pp: shove things in the nearest drawer, regardless, so surface tidy but who knew where anything was. A couple of times of me looking for something i had left out because i was going to use it again and then dumping the contents of drawers on the sofa until i found it, cured him of that)

He's barely doing anything, you're doing most of the work and he's criticising how you do it?! How can he justify his position??

He has unreasonable expectations of you, it's as simple as that. It's not reasonable for him to expect everything to be clean and tidy when he gets home. It is reasonable for him to expect everything to be clean when he leaves in the morning IF he is facilitating and contributing to that. This isn't about being clinically clean, it's about unreasonable expectations. He needs to address this, not you.

OP works 32 hours to his 40 so of course she has 8hrs per week of household chores to do before they are even

This is an absolutely nauseating comment. Straight off the bat she is doing breakfasts, school runs and feeding pets every morning. She also has multiple instances of being home 1.5 hours before he is home where she is dealing with the children, making their dinners, organising bath-time and trying to tidy up before he gets home. It sounds like they're pretty 'even' on that basis alone.

If it's indefensible to leave cups on the side then HE can rinse them while she's doing all the other things she's doing in the morning while he is doing fuck all.

Yes, we are doing the same posts. 8 hours per week is a little more and an hour a day. She is feeding the pets, getting the kids ready, cooking their meals. She is easily doing her “extra hour”.

if he wants things done differently, he can do it himself.

Is there a reason he can’t put the cups in the dishwasher in the morning @Pigsinbl4nkets12345

He leaves at 7.30am and we leave at 8.10am

So how does he know things are left out when he isn’t there when you leave?

Your DH sounds like a bit of a control freak.
You are not his housekeeper/nanny/cook!
Its your house too and it sounds like as well as almost working a full time job you are doing the lions share of the household stuff too - I am including childcare (school runs, breakfast, hair, showers, bedtime) in this.
Does your DH ever actually see his children during the week as it sounds like hes out of the house from 7.30am before breakfast and back home as 8pm, after 7.45pm bedtime.
You both need a radical rethink on how your household functions x

If he wants things done in a particular way, he needs to do it himself. It's unfair he's putting this on you and the children to be spotlessly clean. A home should feel comfortable and even a bit lived in - not worried over a cup going in a dishwasher that will get done an hour later.

If you were sure it is a ND issue I wouldn’t comment but as you aren’t sure

Tell him it is his methodology that is inefficient. Giving you criticism and direction for your betterment clearly hasn’t and will never work. It isn’t just not making you a better person it is doing the opposite, it’s making you an anxious resentful person. If what he is really trying to achieve is to have all housekeeping done his way, the efficient approach would be to do the whole lot himself.

OP my partner is constitutionally very much like this: also I strongly suspect on the spectrum (although no diagnosis). Also likes things done in a certain way.

He would never tell me he needed everything to be spotless or anything like that (because he knows that wouldn’t fly). But he had a tendency, for example, to suggest that I use one particular knife over another one or suggest a method for washing up for “efficiency”. None of it is intended to be controlling or patronising, it’s supposed to be helpful but that’s how it feels and it really goes against the grain for me because its not how I tick.

I am naturally quite a chaotic cook, for example, and I only loosely follow recipes, whereas he follows recipes to the letter, but I am a good cook and a much better one than he is so it really pisses me off that someone with a rotating roster of seven or eight recipes is telling me how to cook.

After about a year together I properly lost my shit at him and basically shouted at him to stop telling me what to do. I think it brought it home to him that what he perceived to be “helpful feedback” was actually controlling and highly annoying. It still slips out occasionally but he knows to check himself. I think sometimes you have to really read the riot act and make people understand what a total pain in the arse this can be.

"It’s like this with most things, loading dishwasher, putting items in cupboard etc. to the point that I feel worried doing these things wrong when they’re happening"
It is not normal to be worried about stacking a dishwasher and I do not think you are the problem here.

I can see multiple red flags:
you are worried and modifying your behaviour to meet his demands,
you have stopped raising issues with him because they never get resolved,
when you do raise an issue it is deflected back on you as your fault or problem,
you are doing a lot of unseen work and being criticised rather than supported.

These can be signs of emotional abuse. I would suggest keeping a diary of your interactions with him so you can build up a clearer picture of how he behaves and how this affects you. Once you have that picture you might have a clearer idea of what the best course of action is for you.

I don't think you are the problem OP. I think you deserve the freedom to leave a dirty cup out for later.

Why, oh, why are you pandering to him? 'Like or lump it' is a phrase we use up North. If it's a problem for him, let him do it himself.
Seriously, the sheer arrogance of him trying to better you takes my breath away. That's not ADHD, it's unpleasant and rude.

From reading previous threads on this and similar topics. I am sorry to agree with many others that the tendency is for this obsessive behaviour is to get worse with age.
To continue together OP for the sake of the family, will have to manage him.

he will help clean up - if his way is so much better, he can do it and you could help him. You have a passenger seat driver not a co-driver, @Pigsinbl4nkets12345 .
Not RTFT.

DH likes the dishwasher stacked in a certain way (and to be fair he can get more in there than I can). Guess whose job it is to load the dishwasher.

for example in the mornings it’s a bit of a rush. I tend to get up, do breakfasts, hair, feed pet and get out of house. DH will get up, feed himself and leave

He needs to do what you do in the morning whilst you get up get yourself ready, eat breakfast and leave.
Great wanting the house to be clean as long as he doesn’t have to do it.

Every time he complains the way you do something tell him as he can do it so much better, it is his job now.
Don’t put a single item in the dishwasher again.

Agree about getting worse with age.