Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

Yes I think I would be equally concerned if my 21 year old dd announced this with no stability, it's way too young when you have no stable home. As others have said, allow them to move in but be clear they need to find somewhere else before the baby is born. Be supportive in whatever way you can, financially , a bit of childcare etc but ultimately they need to be doing everything they can to make this work.

If it’s any consolation, I had to move in with my mother when my daughter was six weeks old and I could not I’ve got out of there fast enough
I started work the moment she was able to go to Nursery after her first set of injections and the umbilical cord fell off
I got myself a job with a company car and I had a flat in under a month
There was just no way we could’ve had two mother Hens quacking away in that house with the baby

Is OPs daughter under threat of war? Did I miss something? 🤔

Can you give them a deposit and help them buy their own home ? Giving them and their baby housing stability and also keeping your own privacy /sanctuary

I understand you are disappointed and have every right to those feelings. I also thought my kids would be independent well before now but in fact my son got extremely ill with multiple hospital stays and set backs and is still home at 24. It's been a huge strain and not how DH and I imagined our lives would be but of course I'm just happy he's well and come so far over the past few years. Life just doesn't pan out like you expect sometimes and you have to be glad for what you've got.

Also, to the people saying ‘tell her she can’t live with you’. Ok where are they going to go - the streets? I would much rather be inconvenienced than see my own child and their baby begging for a council house or sofa surfing. I genuinely cannot believe some of these comments. When you have children you are making a pledge to look after them for life, not just until 18.

Additionally, I’d keep in mind that your children will be the ones who eventually make the decision on whether or not to put you in a care home, and whether or not it will be a nice one 🙂

No, both my adult kids live and have lived with me entirely rent free. My house is always open to them.

But they know the deal: no babies they can't support.

MN is obsessed with going NC with parents, but no one I know ever has because they were told to support their own babies.

OP don’t you think there’s a chance your pregnant daughter is on MN? This is a very specific thread full of details, unless you’ve changed a lot of them.

Ah yes, the care home threat! If you dont let your kids trample all over you, they will chuck you into a care home.

Let them! I can afford a good one.

Just have very clear ground rules. All these people saying she’s too young, not in a secure place etc- well it’s too late for that now.
Be firm about what help you can and can’t offer and make it clear that they need to get their own place ASAP.

I honestly think I live in a parallel universe to most mumsnetters. No way would I turn away my pregnant dd no matter what the situation was. People sound very judgemental and actually not nice in some cases. I don’t mean op- Um referring to those saying don’t let her stay, no help etc.

@teamaven

There is a difference between looking after your child and looking after their dependents.

My child is welcome back anytime. Dependents are not - not boyfriends, not partners, not pets.

‘Trample all over you’. No but if you abandon your child in their major time of need I’m sure they’ll do the same.

Ah the old transactional approach. Never mind the fact the parents brought them all up,
they have to continue to support them (presumably financially as well) even when they make stupid decisions in case.

oh and you do know that not everyone goes in a care home,
right?

The partner fair enough, the grandchild no. They are literally an extension of you.

I certainly wouldn’t ‘abandon’ my child but I would expect them to sort out a plan as to how they’re going to look after themselves and their child in their own home. That is what they need. They won’t thrive as parents whilst living with and relying on us for day to day care, nights up with the baby etc. it would be for everyone’s good that it was sorted and we would of course be on hand to be GPs but not primary carers housing them long term.

Touching a baby on the bus? Where on earth did this sentimental tosh come from? I’ll pet every dog in the park. Tell them they are wonderful and a good boy. Same with cute babies. Still don’t want one living in my house!

They need to find somewhere else to live. I'd support in helping with that but them with a baby would absolutely not be living under my roof.

I am Asian. It's generally very different for us. thank goodness.
No babies before marriage, no babies you can't support, no dramatically going NC with your mum either. I am 100% confident my kids won't abandon me.

Yes make sure they knew the move out date is the same.

My parents allowed this with a strict caveat that they had to move elsewhere by time baby was 6 months. They are stil there and youngest nephew is almost 2 (2 kids). My mum does more parenting than acting as a grandparent. She is a martyr though whereas my dad isn't. It does create arguments amongst them as they had no help when we were little and he wanted this time for them to enjoy as they are mortgage free and everyone else has moved out. As it stands she gets tired doing nights with kids and still working. It affects their relationships with their other children ( me included too). They don't come up to see us as dn can't sleep without my mum and my sister and bil have just got used to mum and dad picking up their slack. It isn't a level playing field for the grandkids as the ones that live there see grandparents home as theirs.

I have no help at all with my 3. I make scarifices for them yet I chose to have them so I don't feel sorry for myself. Dh and I work around each other. I do not want to parent my grandchildren should I have any. Should they live near us we would be happy to do adhoc childcare but I'm knee-deep in parenting and once I've raised mine to adulthood I don't want to do it again. At some point kids grow into adults and need to take responsibility for themselves and their choices.

It's up to you what you decide.

It isn’t a ‘Major time of need’ though. It’s a situation which is caused by them being irresponsible and expecting the parent to pick up the pieces.

If they choose to continue with the pregnancy, then they need to come up with a plan

A grandchild is not an extension of me.

They are a separate human being, who deserves to be brought into this world only in decent circumstances by people who have considered their needs and are in a stable position to care for them.

Not two fools who have not managed to use effective contraception, who have made bad decisions about work (self employment), who have not managed their own housing and who are now standing at mummy's door expecting her to clear up their mess and do the work for them.

The parents brought them up and financially supported them because they had to? It is their job as parents? Yes OP has a choice to support her child now but if my parents had turned me away in that moment I would absolutely never speak to them again. Ironically we had quite a turbulent relationship growing up, but it was truly their support after I became pregnant that mended our relationship.

I would be genuinely appalled and I wouldn't be alone in that view.
I think it is extremely presumptuous of them if they think that they are entitled to bring a baby into the house.
They clearly are not in any position financially to have a child and you are absolutely entitled to not want to go back to having this responsibility.
Boundaries are fine to talk about but very difficult to enforce if they are all living in your house.

I think encouraging them to move out would be wise.
They wont want that.
Babysitter on tap in the shape of mum.
Nightmare stuff OP.

I wasn't the least maternal pre my own children and had zero support raising mine.
I absolutely gave my all to rearing them.
I have zero interest in grandchildren fullstop, much less having a baby in the house again.
In my 60's now and I am so over that.

If the daughter has chosen to keep the baby then she should also be responsible for having enough income to live decently on and provide housing for her child.
People should not have children they can't afford to support.