Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

Very entitled. It might be a bit scruffy and it might not be in the best area but that's very normal when you are 21.

😳

Noone is saying that's ops responsibility but I think most 21 year old who will have a baby crawling about on the floor may indeed want a reasonably clean carpet. Wouldn't you? Who's to say it needs to be a 'posh' rental? It needs to be a decent and livable home safe and appropriate for a baby not any old student digs. Rentals are very hard to come by now, some I viewed were floor to ceiling with black mould. Landlords know the market is to their advantage and many dig the arm in with property they haven't maintained to a reasonable standard.

A bit scruffy and not a great area is one thing, somewhere that's housed a heavy smoker or has issues with damp or such is another matter. Imagine calling someone entitled for wanting clean flooring for their baby to crawl on. My god the bar is on the floor. And for context I work supporting young people to create homes for themselves and the majority of 18/19/20 yos I've worked with care very much about having a safe and comfortable living space as do most other human beings. Home is a crucial part of feeling safe and secure. Not to mention how they may feel bringing a hv in to a house without proper safe flooring. These aren't two students, they're two young professionals starting a family.

It definitely needs to be safe and livable but that's it really. It might not look nice, it might not be in the best area but that's perfectly normal when you are 21 and especially if you decide to make things harder for yourself and have a baby too.

I was talking about scruffy and the entitlement of expecting a decent house at 21.

Safe and livable. That's all they actually need.

I got pregnant at 25, lived at my mums for a year until we bought our first home.
I am forever grateful my mum allowed this as I did say we would be moving out before the baby to rent but she said we were ok to stay.

We have been on our way to financial freedom ever since, we are 34 and 36 now and in one of the lowest LTV rates as we bought our house cheaper to do it all up and it's now worth almost double the price. We are in a better position than some people that we know who are child free, having a child pushes you or should push you towards financial responsibility and wanting better for them.

if my parents had said no, we probably would have been renting for a very long time. I never expected any babysitting from my mum we were literally living their to save for our future, she's still very young.

I agree but having been through the rental market recently it's extremely competitive is my point. So i got to the stage of being repeatedly turned down even though I'm otherwise a good solid candidate for renting, where it made more sense to take the next thing offered and then put the money into improving it myself to the point where I'd be happy to have my child using it as their home. I'm wondering if you fully realise just how greedy some landlords have got lately and how much they're willing to push back onto tenants given the current market.

Oh yeah, I'm very aware. It's also a reason why I doubt it would be only 6 months of living with OP.

Absolutely. I have a Polish background....and some of the distant/cold attitudes on here would be so alien to my Polish family. It's obviously very much a cultural/European thing to help each other out as much as possible - that's what sets families apart from strangers, otherwise what's the difference? In Poland parents literally buy land to build houses for their children...if they can't afford that they will help their children buy inexpensive apartments or allow their children, partner and baby to live with them until they can afford their own place. It's just a given that parents help their children....and very much cultural. In return you're expected to look after your parents in their old age....

Even within Polish families, people do things differently depending on money, space and relationships. It’s not just culture, it’s what people can actually manage day to day. A lot of what you’re describing relies on parents having the means to help in quite a big way and that’s just not realistic for many families.

Also, helping your children doesn’t have to mean moving them in long term or financially carrying them into adulthood. You can still be a close, supportive family without living on top of each other or taking on everything for them.

The expectation that children will then look after parents later shows it’s not just pure generosity, it’s a kind of mutual setup. That works for some people, but not everybody is the same.

It’s fine that your family does it that way, but it doesn’t mean other families are cold or distant just because they do things differently.

I agree with the wise PP who said unthread that both camps on this thread are coming with their best intentions. We all bring our individual different experiences to this topic.

What sticks out for me is that (among the sample at least of posters on this thread on MN) there seems to be a lot of stigma still around talking about abortion. If that’s the case, it is very unhealthy for the choices of women.

21 year old DD has already been living with the same partner since 19 (which is very young to live with a partner) so to go from nothing to ‘excitedly’ announcing a baby with no plan and no financial support apart from her Mum parenting them all, and meanwhile the young would-be dad is off chasing his own professional dreams of a solo business, doesn’t seem at all realistic for a DD with the apparent maturity to be in an adult relationship setting from being a teenager. It’s not even an immature plan. It’s not even a plan.

So if I was my adult child I’d be having a quiet chat just to see if everything is really all right there and that everything that’s happening is actually what she really wants. Hopefully this DD already s that she doesn’t need to go ahead with this, tying herself to this partner for her whole life that hasn’t even started yet, if it isn’t what she wants.

I totally see where you're coming from I think the reactions to the comments made about abortion were more as a reaction to the likes of the poster who said her child would be having an abortion whether they wanted one or not.

Hmm. When my son was in primary, his best friend was Polish. His family had moved to the UK as the wife became pregnant before getting married. Even though the parents subsequently had another child, the whispering about the first pregnancy from family and community led them to go 'stuff it' and move to the UK!

*sorry, wasn't clear - they married when she was 2-3 months pregnant.

He is a disabled, unwell 77 year old who lives around half hour away. Can hardly walk though...