Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

I would be disappointed- and be sitting them down to ask what their plan is to support their child.

Then they shouldn’t have got pregnant. Having kids requires taking responsibility for paying for and housing your children. If this was one of my children, I would support them, but that would be sorting out a plan as to how they’re going to do this, not how I was going to do this.

I was made redundant a few weeks before i became pregnant. We had suffered from infertility for 10 years (i married at 22). My husband was also severely burnout from work but as he works for a bank he gets nearly his full pay and fully paid paternity leave and we had 30k in savings. I also did get maternity allowance and contract work while pregnant. Our 8 month old has everything he needs and even goes to baby classes and has a zoo/london transport museum membership and we also go to softplay and free london museums. We do have a low mortgage of 1252 (fixed till 2031) for our 2 bed flat and no car in londok so basic costs are lower than most in London. Also got a vasectomy to futureproof the flat

However if i posted that on mumsnet i am pretty sure following that advice would have meant losing out on my only chance to be a mother. Maybe op wouldnt have any other grandchildren and be one of those strange women constantly trying to touch my son on the bus as they long so much for babies in their lifr.

@Netcurtainnelly If my children are so enormously selfish as to have a baby when they have no ability to house them, then they deserve to be told this.

If they can only cope with people lying to them talking about 'babies bring joy' and all that tosh, and decide to estrange themselves then that is another failure on their part, not mine.

My children know my opinion on this and they know I would not house them if they made such a selfish stupid decision.

Going to rhyme time, even if it's not that exciting for a grandparent, is a far cry from having them live with you. I'd got to rhyme time even if I don't want them living in my house.

But somebody could also say ‘and?’ to your anecdote. It’s even less relevant than the one you responded to -the current situation is the op’s DD is continuing with the pregnancy, not terminating. The idea that women/teen girls should feel obliged to terminate if they aren’t exactly where they should be irks me on here. Still empathise with op’s position and why she’s not happy.

You and your husband are looking after your child and took responsibility. Nothing like OPs daughters situation so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Completely reasonable for you to feel like this, it would feel totally different if they were settled into careers and had their own home, and they are (although probably not intentionally) putting some of the parental burden onto you with regards to a home/house for the baby.

To add though, my sister and her boyfriend (now husband) were in a similar situation years ago, only been dating 18 months, we’re staying at mums to save money for a deposit, weren’t engaged/married and they fell pregnant, I remember my sister feeling utterly heartbroken as she felt no one felt genuine happiness for her, every congratulations had a “you’ll need your space now” or “are you married” or “how long have you been together” or “but babies are expensive” tacked on to the end, really taught me to try and let people bask in their happiness - and let reality him them when it inevitably does.

My SIL who rented as a new mum but moved back to her inlaws when baby was 2 due to a war/high living costs with no ability to move out as she isnt making any savings living at home and her dh has no income. She is 34, her dh is 37. She has vague ideas of moving to haifa but highly unlikely given the war now.

In a sense anyone who rents could be placed in that situation as rental rights are so weak. Other sil is also pregnant and living with inlaws with same problem with rental. She is 30. Even if she managed to move out, high likelihood they would be back home again.

Should they never have kids then?

@Primrose86 I agree.

Same here mn would have told me no as well.
My in laws made horrid remarks which I can't shake 18 years on.

And we have weathered all those financial storms that kicked off the year she was born

In my parents day youngsters having children and living in the front room was very much a thing.
People started out in very reduced circumstances.

Op I think primroses point about old ladies on a bus is an extremely poignant one.
I totally understand that you had different plans in mind and now you have a curve ball.

Ultimately however children are a precious gift.
My.dm.died before ever meeting her GC and she had lots of DC and only I the youngest had them after she died.

My in laws were so incredibly nasty after pregnancy and babies born so constantly judging and disapproving we have had to go very LC and it doesn't look like either of DH siblings two sisters will have DC now !
So this was their only chance.

It's worth considering all angles here.

No. You misunderstood. The difference is it should be the daughter’s choice whether to keep her own baby. She should not feel unwanted due to her own mother!

just watch out for taking advice on here. It can sometimes be incredibly harsh. I think most people I know in real life, let’s say my main 4-6 friends, we all have children ages 15-25, but most are 18+, we would allow dd and bf to stay with us whilst baby is little and get the family onto their feet. Just be careful as they are excited (sweet, possibly rather naive) and they aren’t aware of the kind of hard work that goes in when you have a baby. I would let them stay for at least 18 months with a view to trying to get them onto their feet after that.

I’d be annoyed too. People shouldn't announce having a child happily while basically making it that person’s problem as well. I had to wait until I was 32 to get pregnant because I couldn’t afford a house until then and the rental market is so unstable where I live .

I cannot be doing with all these " children are a precious gift" logic. Children are a huge responsibility. If you can't afford to feed, house and take care of them mostly on your own, don't have them.
Told both my kids that, and luckily they agree.

Come on, there is a difference between a married couple in their thirties and an eighteen year old.

Did you miss the window to check and get payments backdated by DWP for any time missed whilst raising children?

Why do they need to get married? How will that help OP not to have to house them?

Oh gosh, I’d be super gutted too… I say this as someone who had my first child at 17 but I lived alone with DH, I’d never have relied so heavily on my parents. My DC have had it drilled into them not to have children until they’re in a stable position financially and I mean, if that’s never then so be it.

I just think your DD is making life unnecessarily difficult for herself really. I’d be a real bitch and have to be firm here, especially given she’s 21 not 15. She should find her own place. If she wants the responsibility of parenthood so young, she needs to stand on her own two feet. If not, you’ll end up basically being a parent all over again when you’re just about getting your independence back again.

I don’t get this
I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby
your youngest child is 18 , it’s been years since you’ve had a small child , even if they are living with you you can still make it clear that you don’t want to be a hands on GP if that is what you want . If you wanted time for just you and your husband it probably wasn’t a good idea to agree to them moving in , with or without a baby .

Your child is in a committed relationship expecting a wanted baby. In five years, ten years time she’ll be in a very different place from now. But she’ll always remember how you reacted so for your sake I hope you managed to share the joy as well as the responsibility.

Christ, these replies. Do you all really just only give a shit until they turn 18 and then they’re on their own? Someone actually said “tell them they’re not welcome”. I cannot think of any time in my 40+ years of living when I wasn’t welcome at my parents house. I could turn up in the next ten minutes with a suitcase and they’d put the kettle on.

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves, or at the very least, not be surprised when your kids don’t bother to come to see you more than twice a year.

Why they’ve made choices that will have a massive impact on impact on OP
and doesn’t sound like they’ve give any consideration for that
i love my kids done my sleepless nights and value my space and privacy
goes without saying mine would be welcome with open arms in an emergency situation
but nowhere to live , self employed with no established accounts do renting , affordability checks and no possibility of a mortgage and now pregnant all of these are choice that ultimately OP will bear the brunt of

Just say no to living with a baby. They don’t have to have a baby and they need to stand on their own feet. They can’t just make it someone else’s problem which is basically what they are doing

It’s so sad. The OP is allowed to feel disappointed, but you don’t just have your children for 18 years you have them for life. OP - please do not make your feelings known to you DD. I cannot imagine being pregnant, vulnerable and have an unsupportive mother.

I would rather not have grandkids at all, than house and rear any more babies.

Don't care if that makes me sound cold.
If there was an actual emergency, I would. But this isn't an emergency. It's carelessness and entitlement.