Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

I understand your reticence. I would feel exactly the same. I would not want a small child around me after all your child-rearing.

I get what you mean but I’d be so excited by the the prospect of a grandchild under my roof. I only had one child in my 40s and whilst I am so blessed to have my son I’m sad I might not be around for grandchildren, seeing that people have kids later now.

You've read it wrong. She's saying that the fact it's term time will be useful when the child is at school, NOT that they'll only GET a job at that point.

I think you're being quite nice in the circumstances, much nicer than I would be.

I'm pretty soft on my kids but the one thing I have been crystal clear on is that children deserve decent parents that put them first.

This couple are not decent parents - they have made no provision, no thought to this child and I would be telling my own child that. They are in no position to have a child and they are entirely relying on you to supply the necessary housing and likely childcare so they can play 'happy families'

I would be raining all over their parade and making it clear that they will not be staying with you - because they have entirely changed the deal.

It's not about sounding fun its about wanting a break from caring responsibilities once you've raised your own children to adulthood. That and a bit of peace in your own home.

I wouldn't be thrilled about a young couple that isn't financially self sufficient and soon to be living under my roof having a baby either. And the bf just went self employed. Unless he's raking it in, he's going to have to go back to work and maybe work 2 jobs.

You know if you let them move in they will be living with you for years and probably adding more kids.

Put a time limit on their stay. He has to be working and bringing in enough that they can live on. If he doesn't, he doesn't live there.

I’d be careful - youre probably in shock. I don’t blame you at not being thrilled, and being worried about getting roped in, but you will fall so in love with that baby, as you should. They’re a young couple needing help and you should greet this news outwardly positively I suggest.

Just be careful you're not too cold to your DD. If she remembers being young and a new Mum and you basically telling her to move out and get on with it, it may tarnish your relationship for good.

By all means don’t let them take the piss or have you doing loads of childcare, but make sure the first thing you say to them isn’t “so, when will you be moving out?”

Reading this thread has made me understand why my MIL has refused all my invitations to join me and my son at the library for rhyme time. All her other kids live overseas, 2 with their inlaws.

After raisinf 4 she likely wants to spend all her time alone which is why mothers day for her involved a solo jaunt around kew gardens.

Tbh, I’d be horrified. Yes I know there will be posters saying babies bring joy etc but this is a long planned time you were looking forward to. You would probably be delighted if they were married, had their own home and were mature enough to understand the sacrifices you have to make to be a parent. Ignore the poster being mean about being saddled with your own daughter. We raise our children in the expectation they will be functioning, independent adults, not children who will be forever in the family home. Is there any way you can help them financially find their own place? If not, discuss boundaries with them and lay out what you are and aren’t willing to do. What about his parents?

Jeez. My mum helps me with my kids but there’s absolutely no way I’d expect her to house us for any length of time! We will probably stay with her later this year for a couple of weeks when we have our kitchen done and I feel guilty about that! Kids have a way of taking over the whole house. They will end up living with you long term if given the opportunity. When are they due to move in with you? I think I’d make it clear that they can stay with you while she is pregnant but need to have moved out before the baby arrives, so they may need to rethink the arrangement as moving whilst heavily pregnant isn’t ideal. They sound rather naive and immature - normal at that age but perhaps not ready for this upcoming responsibility.

It’s fairly basic to expect people to have a home, a plan, a reliable way of supporting themselves and their baby. If they don’t have that, they’re not suitable to be parents right now. Children deserve to have parents that can actually take care of them and provide for them.

Well we are in the 50s as women have to have babies and of course not work then have to wait around for the grandchildren to be born so they can raise them too

Of course sons and grands sons are allowed to work and do other things but daughters need to keep home and care for everyone and the next generation

So many different responses and none are necessarily right. Some women have stated how awful it would be for them personally so they can't relate at all to alternative. Others would be in the same frame of mind as me and relish the chance to help nurture and raise a grandchild knowing that both my DD and DGC were safe and secure .

It won't be the same as your own years child rearing OP , this baby will have a mother to be primary carer . She is not a young teen . Her partner will also be on hand especially if self employed.

Is space a problem ? I know it would work for me as I have the room. Can you think about how it would work .
It's OK not to be thrilled at the idea of them moving in with new baby . Have a calm chat about what they forseen as a plan for them and a timely move . But please don't let them know that you are less than enthusiastic about the pregnancy. It might be devastating to your DD and hard to recover any closeness between you .

Don't be surprised if you end up estranged talking like that.

I’d be more than happy to join in with a playgroup and look after them whilst my children have a day to themselves, but that is very different from having them living with you because they got pregnant with no plan, without fully established careers and thinking they may expect me to virtually play parent to my grandchildren. It’s irresponsible of them and quite entitled.

I would honestly consider removing the offer of accommodation - they have materially changed the deal you agreed to.

They need to get married.
What kind of self-employment are we talking about?
Does your daughter have qualifications that will lead to serious employment?
Congratulatios!

Well, I’m going against the grain here and saying I would love to have a grandchild, any grandchild, in my house, in their house, in a bloody campervan!

My three children are in their 30s, one won’t have any, one can’t have any (well his partner can’t), one wants ONE, at some point’.

I can’t think of anything nicer than being very involved with a grandchild, and no, I’m not ignoring broken nights, nappies, etc. Menopause means I hardly sleep anyway!

I get that it’s not planned, but these things happen, and how wonderful that you are in a position to help them. My friends that are grandparents have all helped out their families like this at some point, and just when it looks like that part of their lives are over something else comes along - one couple have just had an 18 year old living with them for some months due to a work placement, they loved having her, although said it was less messy when she was a baby!

I don't fully understand couples moving with parents in general, let alone starting a family and living with parents.

But I understand your shock but the baby does not need to change the plan. They can save the 6 months and then move. It is unclear if the 6 months has started already or if they haven't moved in yet. But if the baby will he born while you're living there, you will need to come up with ground rules and what is the expectations.

The boyfriend needs to find a salaried job and a rental asap.

I had my second child at that age without parental support. She's probably quite capable and doesn't need support.

I'd offer financial help towards getting their own place as a one off. Things have changed. If they do move in with you, you'll need to be very clear that you are not a back up child carer.

Ridiculous. Not suitable to be parents because they live with their parents.😮

Housing is so easy to come by isn't it and it's so cheap these days 😅

They need a house not a wedding.

Sure I've read this before

Oh married now as well. We really are living in the dark ages.😨😒
What's it to you whether they get married or not?